The Devil’s Dictionary (Chap. 11)

K is a consonant that we get from the Greeks, but it can be traced away back beyond them to the Cerathians, a small commercial nation inhabiting the peninsula of Smero. In their tongue it was called Klatch, which means "destroyed." The form of the letter was originally precisely that of our H, but the erudite Dr. Snedeker explains that it was altered to its present shape to commemorate the destruction of the great temple of Jarute by an earthquake, circa730 B.C. This building was famous for the two lofty columns of its portico, one of which was broken in half by the catastrophe, the other remaining intact. As the earlier form of the letter is supposed to have been suggested by these pillars, so, it is thought by the great antiquary, its later was adopted as a simple and natural—not to say touching—means of keeping the calamity ever in the national memory. It is not known if the name of the letter was altered as an additional mnemonic, or if the name was always Klatch and the destruction one of nature's puns. As each theory seems probable enough, I see no objection to believing both—and Dr. Snedeker arrayed himself on that side of the question.

KEEP, v.t.

&nbspHe willed away his whole estate,
&nbspAnd then in death he fell asleep,
&nbspMurmuring: "Well, at any rate,
&nbspMy name unblemished I shall keep."
&nbspBut when upon the tomb 'twas wrought
&nbspWhose was it?—for the dead keep naught.

Durang Gophel Arn

KILL, v.t. To create a vacancy without nominating a successor.

KILT, n. A costume sometimes worn by Scotchmen in America and Americans in Scotland.

KINDNESS, n. A brief preface to ten volumes of exaction.

KING, n. A male person commonly known in America as a "crowned head," although he never wears a crown and has usually no head to speak of.

&nbspA king, in times long, long gone by,
&nbspSaid to his lazy jester:
&nbsp"If I were you and you were I
&nbspMy moments merrily would fly—
&nbspNor care nor grief to pester."

&nbsp"The reason, Sire, that you would thrive,"
&nbspThe fool said—"if you'll hear it—
&nbspIs that of all the fools alive
&nbspWho own you for their sovereign, I've
&nbspThe most forgiving spirit."

Oogum Bem

KING'S EVIL, n. A malady that was formerly cured by the touch of the sovereign, but has now to be treated by the physicians. Thus "the most pious Edward" of England used to lay his royal hand upon the ailing subjects and make them whole—

&nbspa crowd of wretched souls
&nbspThat stay his cure: their malady convinces
&nbspThe great essay of art; but at his touch,
&nbspSuch sanctity hath Heaven given his hand,
&nbspThey presently amend,

as the "Doctor" in Macbeth hath it. This useful property of the royal hand could, it appears, be transmitted along with other crown properties; for according to "Malcolm,"

&nbsp'tis spoken
&nbspTo the succeeding royalty he leaves
&nbspThe healing benediction.

But the gift somewhere dropped out of the line of succession: the later sovereigns of England have not been tactual healers, and the disease once honored with the name "king's evil" now bears the humbler one of "scrofula," from scrofa, a sow. The date and author of the following epigram are known only to the author of this dictionary, but it is old enough to show that the jest about Scotland's national disorder is not a thing of yesterday.

&nbspYe Kynge his evill in me laye,
&nbspWh. he of Scottlande charmed awaye.
&nbspHe layde his hand on mine and sayd:
&nbsp"Be gone!" Ye ill no longer stayd.
&nbspBut O ye wofull plyght in wh.
&nbspI'm now y-pight: I have ye itche!

The superstition that maladies can be cured by royal taction is dead, but like many a departed conviction it has left a monument of custom to keep its memory green. The practice of forming a line and shaking the President's hand had no other origin, and when that great dignitary bestows his healing salutation on

&nbspstrangely visited people,
&nbspAll swoln and ulcerous, pitiful to the eye,
&nbspThe mere despair of surgery,

he and his patients are handing along an extinguished torch which once was kindled at the altar-fire of a faith long held by all classes of men. It is a beautiful and edifying "survival"—one which brings the sainted past close home in our "business and bosoms."

KISS, n. A word invented by the poets as a rhyme for "bliss." It is supposed to signify, in a general way, some kind of rite or ceremony appertaining to a good understanding; but the manner of its performance is unknown to this lexicographer.

KLEPTOMANIAC, n. A rich thief.

KNIGHT, n.

&nbspOnce a warrior gentle of birth,
&nbspThen a person of civic worth,
&nbspNow a fellow to move our mirth.
&nbspWarrior, person, and fellow—no more:
&nbspWe must knight our dogs to get any lower.
&nbspBrave Knights Kennelers then shall be,
&nbspNoble Knights of the Golden Flea,
&nbspKnights of the Order of St. Steboy,
&nbspKnights of St. Gorge and Sir Knights Jawy.
&nbspGod speed the day when this knighting fad
&nbspShall go to the dogs and the dogs go mad.

KORAN, n. A book which the Mohammedans foolishly believe to have been written by divine inspiration, but which Christians know to be a wicked imposture, contradictory to the Holy Scriptures.