The Devil Is an Ass Act 4 Scene 2

To them.]
Eitherside.

EVer your Servant, Madam.

Tay.
Where hast thou been?
I did so long to see thee.

Eit.
Visiting, and so tyr'd!
I protest, Madam, 'tis a monstrous trouble!

Tay.
And so it is. I swear I must to morrow,
Begin my Visits (would they were over) at Court.
It tortures me, to think on 'em.

Eit.
I do hear
You ha' cause, Madam, your Suit goes on.

Tay.
Who told thee?

Eit.
One that can tell: Mr. Eitherside.

Tay.
O, thy Husband!
Yes faith, there's Life in't, now: It is referr'd.
If we once see it under the Seals Wench, then,
Have with 'em for the great Carroch, Six Horses,
And the two Coachmen, with my Ambler, bare,
And my three Women; we will live i' faith,
The Examples o' the Town, and govern it.
I'll lead the Fashion still.

Eit.
You do that now,
Sweet Madam.

Tay.
O, but then, I'll every day
Bring up some new Device. Thou and I, Eitherside,
Will first be in it, I will give it thee;
And they shall follow us. Thou shalt, I swear,
Wear every Month a new Gown out of it.
Eit.
Thank you, good Madam.

Tay.
Pray thee call me Tail-bush,
As I thee Eitherside; I not love this, Madam.

Eit.
Then I protest to you, Tail-bush, I am glad
Your Business so succeeds.

Tay.
Thank thee, good Eitherside.

Eit.
But Master Eitherside tells me, that he likes
Your other Business better.

Tay.
Which?

Eit.
O' the Tooth-picks.

Tay.
I never heard on't.

Eit.
Ask Mr. Merecraft.

Mer.
Madam? H'is one, in a word, I'll trust his Malice,
With any man's Credit, I would have abus'd!

[Merecraft hath whisper'd with him the while.

Man.
Sir, if you think you do please me, in this,
You are deceiv'd!

Mer.
No, but because my Lady
Nam'd him my Kinsman; I would satisfie you
What I think of him: and pray you upon it
To judge me!

Man.
So I do: that ill mens Friendship,
Is as unfaithful as themselves.

Tay.
Do you hear?
Ha' you a Business about Tooth-picks.

Mer.
Yes, Madam.
Did I ne'r tell't you? I meant to have offer'd it
Your Ladiship, on the perfecting the Patent.

Tay.
How is't!

Mer.
For serving the whole State

[The Project for Tooth-picks.

with Tooth-picks;
(Somewhat an intricate Business to discourse) but —
I show how much the Subject is abus'd,
First, in that one Commodity? then what Diseases
And Putrefactions in the Gums are bred,
By those are made of adultrate and false Wood?
My Plot, for Reformation of these follows.
To have all Toothpicks brought unto an Office,
There seal'd; and such as counterfeit 'em mulcted.
And last, for venting 'em, to have a Book
Printed, to teach their use, which every Child
Shall have throughout the Kingdom that can read,
And learn to pick his Teeth by. Which beginning
Early to Practice, with some other Rules,
Of never sleeping with the Mouth open, chawing
Some Grains of Mastick, will preserve the Breath
Pure and so free from taint — ha' what is't, sai'st thou?

[Trains his Man whispers him.

Tay.
Good faith, it sounds a very pretty Business!

Eit.
So Mr. Eitherside says, Madam.

Mer.
The Lady is come.

Tay.
Is she? Good, wait upon her in. My Ambler
Was never so ill absent. Eitherside,
How do I look to day? Am I not drest,

[She looks in her Glass.

Spruntly?

Fit.
Yes verily, Madam.

Tay.
Pox o' Madam,
Will you not leave that?

Eit.
Yes, good Tailbush.

Tay.
So?
Sounds not that better? What vile Fucus is this
Thou hast got on?

Eit. '
Tis Pearl.

Tay.
Pearl? Oyster-shells:
As I breath Eitherside I know't. Here comes
(They say) a wonder, Sirrah, has been in Spain!
Will teach us all! she's sent to me from Court,
To gratulate with me! Prythee let's observe her,
What faults she has, that we may laugh at 'em,
When she is gone.

Eit.
That we will heartily, Tail-bush.

[Wittipol enters.

Tay.
O, me! the very Infanta of the Giants!