The Devil Is an Ass Act 3 Scene 5

Mere-craft, Fitz-dottrel, Pug.

Return'd so soon?

Fit.
Yes, here's the Ring: I ha'
seal'd.
But there's not so much Gold in all the Row, he says —
Till't come fro' the Mint. 'Tis tane up for the Gamesters.

Mer.
There's a Shop-shift! plague on 'em.

Fit.
He do's swear it.

Mer.
He'll swear and forswear too, it is his Trade,
You should not have left him.

Fit.
'Slid, I can go back,
And beat him yet.

Mer.
No, now let him alone.

Fit.
I was so earnest, after the main Business,
To have this Ring gone.

Mer.
True, and 'tis time.
I' have learn'd, Sir, Sin' you went, her Ladyship eats
With the Lady Tail-bush, here, hard by.

Fit.
I' the Lane here?

Mer.
Yes, if you had a Servant, now of Presence,
Well cloath'd, and of an airy voluble Tongue,
Neither too big or little for his Mouth,
That could deliver your Wives Complement;
To send along withal.

Fit.
I have one Sir,
A very handsom Gentleman-like-fellow,
That I do mean to make my Dutchess Usher —
I entertain'd him but this Morning too:
I'll call him to you. The worst of him is his Name!

Mer.
She'll take no note of that, but of his Message.

[He shews him his Pug.

Fit.
Devil! How like you him, Sir. Pace, go a little,
Let's see you move.

Mer.
He'll serve, Sir, give it him:
And let him go along with me, I'll help
To present him and it.

Fit.
Look you do Sirrah,
Discharge this well, as you expect your Place.
D'you hear, go on, come off with all your Honours.

[Gives him Instructions.

I would fain see him do it.

Mer.
Trust him with it.

Fit.
Remember kissing of your Hand, and answering
With the French time, in flexure of your Body.
I could now so instruct him — and for his words —

Mer.
I'll put them in his Mouth.

Fit.
O, but I have 'em;
O' the very Academies.

Mer.
Sir, you'll have use for 'em
Anon your self, I warrant you, after Dinner
When you are call'd.

Fit.
'Slight, that'll be just Play-time.

[He longs to see the Play.

It cannot be, I must not lose the Play!

Mer.
Sir, but you must, if she appoint to sit.
And she's President.

Fit.
'Slid, it is the Devil!

[Because it is the Devil.

Mer.
And, 'twere his Damm too, you must now apply
Your self, Sir, to this wholly; or lose all.

Fit.
If I could but see a Piece —

Mer.
Sir, Never think on't.

Fit.
Come but to one Act, and I did not care —
But to be seen to rise and go away,
To vex the Players, and to punish their Poet —
Keep him in awe!

Mer.
But say that he be one
Wi' not be aw'd! but laugh at you. How then?

Fit.
That he shall pay for 's Dinner himself.

Mer.
Perhaps,
He would do that twice, rather than thank you.
Come get the Devil out of your Head, my Lord,
(I'll call you so in private still) and take
Your Lordship i' your mind. You were, sweet Lord,

[He puts him in mind of his Quarrel:

In talk to bring a Business to the Office.

Fit.
Yes.

Mer.
Why should not you, Sir, carry it o' your self,
Before the Office be up? and shew the World,
You had no need of any mans direction;
In Point, Sir, of sufficiency? I speak
Against a Kinsman, but as one that tenders
Your Graces good.

Fit.
I thank you; to proceed —

Mer.
To Publications: ha' your Deed drawn presently.
And leave me a blank to put in your Feoffees,
One, two, or more, as you see cause —

Fit. I thank you
Heartily, I do thank you. Not a word more,
I pray you, as you love me. Let me alone.
That I could not think o' this as well as he?
O, I could beat my infinite Block-head — !

[He is angry with himself.

Mer.
Come, we must this way.

Pug.
How far is't?

Mer.
Hard by here,
Over the way. Now, to atchieve this Ring
From this same Fellow, that is to assure it,
[He thinks how to cozen the Bearer of the
Ring.

Before he give it. Though my Spanish Lady,
Be a young Gentleman of means, and scorn
To share, as he doth say, I do not know
How such a Toy may tempt his Ladiship:
And therefore, I think best it be assur'd.

Pug.
Sir, be the Ladies brave we go unto?

Mer.
O, yes.

Pug.
And shall I see 'em, and speak
to 'em?

Mer.
What else? ha' you your False-beard about

[Questions his man.

you, Trains?
Tra.
Yes.

Mer.
And is this one of your double
Clokes?

Tra.
The best of 'em.

Mer.
Be ready then. Sweet Pitfall!