Thank God for the Volunteer Fire Brigade

[AL]
Have another beer, Bill

[JOHN]
Yes I guess I will, Al

[RAY]
How about another round of gin, John?

[BILL]
Where’s that April Playboy?

[PAUL]
Hey, whatdya say, boy?

[BILL]
Isn’t that a stack you’d like to lie down on?

[ALL]
Thank God for the volunteer fire brigade
Thank Christ for the crime of arson
If it wasn’t for these
I’d be sitting at home
With the wife and Johnny Carson
Thank God for the volunteer fire brigade
Thank Christ for the careless smoker
If it wasn’t for these, I could not be
With my pals here playing poker

[JOHN]
Ask me if I like to fight a fire!

[ALL]
Do you?

[JOHN]
Yes! Ask me if I like to douse a blaze!

[ALL]
Do you?

[JOHN]
Yes! Ask me if the siren’s whine’s a sound that I admire!

[ALL]
Is it?

[JOHN]
Or if I enjoy a smoky haze!

[ALL]
Do you?

[JOHN]
Yes! Yes!
Ask me anything, it doesn’t matter.

[BILL]
Alright
Do you like to man a fire hose?

[JOHN]
Yessir!

[PAUL]
Do you love your fire engine?

[JOHN]
Every hook and ladder!

[AL]
Are you happy in your rubber clothes?

[ALL]
Are you? Yes!
Thank god for the volunteer fire brigade
And each danger-laden fuckup
Like the leakin’ of gas and the dry autumn grass
And the tree the cat gets stuck up
Thank god for the kid bent on striking the match
And the frayed electric wire
Were it not for these, lord, I’d be miserably bored
And never see a fire

[RAY, spoken]
Is something burning?

[ELIOT, spoken]
Hey, anybody up for pizza?

[JOHN, spoken]
Did one of you lunkheads order a pizza?

[ELIOT, spoken]
Oh nobody ordered it. I was just in the neighborhood, and thought maybe you guys on duty would be up for a slice. I got pepperoni, sausage, mushroom, green pepper. The works.

[JOHN, spoken]
The works. What’re you, the pizza fairy?

[ELIOT, spoken]
No, I’m Eliot Rosewater. How do you do? You like pepperoni?

[JOHN, spoken]
None of your business

[ELIOT, spoken]
Come on, have a slice. It’s okay to take pizza from strangers. Its just candy that’s dangerous. Say, nice shine on that pole, boys.

[BILL, spoken]
Thank you.

[ELIOT, spoken]
Say, the truck’s super too. That’s an awful good color for a fire truck, isn’t it?

[BILL, spoken]
Red?

[ELIOT, spoken]
You know, when you think about it, boys, there’s something damned touching about a planet that’s basically held together by one thing—oxygen. And this one thing—oxygen—is just itching all the time to combine in a violent and destructive fashion with just about everything else we hold dear. I love you sons of bitches. I really do.

[RAY]
What do you think about this?

[JOHN]
I don’t know, whatdya mean?

[RAY]
Seems to me this guy’s a mental case

[AL]
Well?

[JOHN]
What do you think we should do?

[RAY]
I don’t know, how about you?

[JOHN]
Leave it be, the pizza’s free, so what the hell

[ELIOT]
If those Russian barges come a-landing

[JOHN]
Russians?

[ELIOT]
Yes! If they come a-barging in one day

[RAY]
So what then?

[ELIOT]
All the phony bastards who get all the decent jobs

[AL]
Fuck ‘em

[ELIOT]
They’ll be down with caviar to greet the Russian slobs!
But who’ll take to the woods-

[PAUL]
Who, us?

[ELIOT]
With hunting knives and Springfields?
Who’ll keep fighting for a hundred years, by God?
Not the Army!
Not the Navy!
Not the bureaucrats and dirty rats
Who live by kissing ass!

[ALL]
But the boys from the volunteer fire brigade
Sound the call, y’all, we’ll be right down
You don’t pay us a jot
But we’re there on the spot
If your wife ignites her nightgown

(A phone rings.)

[BILL]
Hello? Where? Be right there!
It’s the Elks hall!

[ALL]
The Elks hall!
Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire!
Thank Christ, thank the Lord
Thank the heavens for us
Toss your hats and sing our praises
If we didn’t sit here with our bullshit and beer
You’d all go up in blazes
Thank god for the volunteer fire brigade!