Plain Clean Average Americans

[MUSHARI, spoken]
Mr. Rosewater?

[FRED, spoken]
Yes?

[MUSHARI, spoken]
Mr. Fred Rosewater?

[FRED, spoken]
Yes?

[MUSHARI, spoken]
Sir... At this very moment, your Indiana relatives are swindling you and yours out of your birthright. Out of roughly eighty-seven million, four hundred seventy-two thousand, thirty-three dollars, and sixty-one cents. I am here to tell you about a relatively cheap and simple court action that will make those millions... yours.

[FRED, spoken]
Caroline...

[MUSHARI, spoken]
I have here some documents which will explain in further detail...

[FRED, spoken]
Caroline. I think you ought to read this.

[MUSHARI]
They’re plain, clean, average Americans
A dress from K-Mart
A Ban-Lon shirt
You’re plain, clean, average Americans
And you deserve to eat
Your just dessert
They’re normal, boring Americans
Like most Americans
And I assert
This country will itch
To help you get rich
My pitch will be slick and expert
We’ll make your cousin, the millionaire
Eat dirt

[ELIOT, spoken]
Hello? Hello? Where’s the fire?

[DIANA, spoken]
It’s in my kidleys, Mr. Rosewater.

[ELIOT, spoken]
God damn you for calling this number. You should go to jail and rot. Stupid sons of bitches who make personal calls on a fire department line should go to hell and fry forever.

Rosewater Foundation. Rosewater speaking. How can we help you?

[DIANA, spoken]
Mr. Rosewater, it's Diana Moon Glampers again.

[ELIOT, spoken]
What on earth is the trouble, dear?

[MUSHARI]
Down with the lunatic
Down with the maniac
Down with the random giving

[FRED]
Up with the bank account

[CAROLINE]
Up with the credit line

[BOTH]
Up with our style of living

[MUSHARI]
Nuts to the liberal
Eastern establishment
Up with its new replacement

[CAROLINE]
Up with the draperies

[FRED]
Up with the furniture

[ALL]
Up with the paneled basement!

[MAN, spoken]
Maybe you think it’s funny putting up signs about people who want to commit suicide.

[ELIOT, spoken]
Did you want to?

[MAN, spoken]
What if I did? What would you do?

[ELIOT, spoken]
I’d ask you to name the rock bottom price you’d charge to go on living for one more week.

[MAN, spoken]
What if I said I wouldn’t live through next week for a million dollars?

[ELIOT, spoken]
I’d say go ahead and kill yourself. Try a thousand.

[MAN, spoken]
A thousand.

[ELIOT, spoken]
Go ahead and kill yourself. Try five hundred.

[MAN, spoken]
Five hundred.

[ELIOT, spoken]
Now you’re making sense!

[MUSHARI]
Down with his saccharine
Sweet generosity
Down with his ministrations
Down with the bleeding heart
And his philosophy
Up with his poor relations
Up with publicity
Up with the interviews
Up with the whirlwind touring
Up with the bunting
Up with the slogan signs
Up with the underscoring
They’re plain clean average Americans!
Drop by the offices in their hotel!
Pick up a leaflet and bumper sign!
Pick up a button for your coat lapel!
God loves these average Americans
And says their relatives can go to hell!

[CHORUS]
It’s easy to see he’s nuts as can be
His eyes show he’s clearly not well
But aren’t these normal Americans just swell?

[MUSHARI, spoken]
Welcome back to the WFY Telethon!

[HOSTESS, spoken]
Thank you, Norm! Friends at home, friends at home, our operators are still waiting to accept your pledge. C’mon y’all, let’s ring those bells in support of the Rosewater legal fund.

(sung)
The number to call
In Farmer’s Creek
Is nine-nine-seven
Eight-four-five-two!

They’re plain clean average Americans
He doesn’t exercise
She rarely reads
They’re plain clean average Americans
She stops at traffic lights
He never speeds
They’re healthy homegrown Americans
Won’t touch gefilte fish
Or play with beads
So...

[HOSTESS, MUSHARI, FRED, & CAROLINE]
March with the band
Your kind, helping hand
Is all any one of us needs
This cause will spread through America
Like weeds!

[ALL]
They’re plain, clean, average Americans
Upright Americans
He loves the fights!
They both love bowling and basketball
They don’t write symphonies
They don’t wear tights!
They’re normal, simple Americans
They’re not from Darien
Or Shaker Heights
And Fred is an Elk!
They love Lawrence Welk!
That’s how they spend Saturday nights!
Let’s win these average Americans
Healthy Americans
Middle Americans
Let’s win these average Americans
Their rights!