I, Eliot Rosewater

[ELIOT, spoken]
Mr. McAllister, are you duty-bound to carry out any missions I may give you, regardless of what my father or anyone else may say?

[MCALLISTER, spoken]
As legal counsel of the Foundation, I am.

[ELIOT, spoken]
Good. Then get this down.

(sung)
I, Eliot Rosewater
Legally acknowledge
Every child in Rosewater County said to be mine, as mine
And I, Eliot Rosewater
Send them all to college
Cautioning them that taking's okay, but giving is divine

And I, Eliot Rosewater
Legally adopt
Sons of the lonely, sons of the homely, shy
Let them be Rosewaters
My sons and my daughters
Let them be fruitful and multiply

(spoken)
Draw up the papers at once, Mr. McAllister!

[SENATOR, spoken]
There must be something we can do.

[MCALLISTER, spoken]
Not a thing. Not a blessed thing!

[ELIOT]
Go tell the youth who's overweight, who sometimes wets the bed
Who's still too shy to masturbate and flunks out of phys. ed
Go tell the ones so common-place their dreams are sad and small
Though acne scars may mar your face, your father loves you all

And I, Eliot Rosewater
Your adopted dad
Love you to pieces, love you 'till I could cry
Love you as Rosewaters
My sons and my daughters
Go forth, be fruitful
Go forth, be fruitful
Go forth, be fruitful
And multiply