Cheese Nips

[SYLVIA]
Cheese nips
They want cheese nips
They poo poo the pâté du pays
But the cheese nips
They like cheese nips
And they’re not even touching the brie

[DELBERT, spoken]
Hey, Diana, what’s that grey stuff over there?

[DIANA, spoken]
Don’t ask me.

[JEROME, spoken]
Hey, Diana, can I have a coke?

[SYLVIA]
Cola, Coca-Cola
It’s forget the Moet and Chandon
Okay, let’s see—
There’s some Pepsi
God, the whole bowl of cheese nips is gone
Mother Mary, the ham’s from Westphalia
And the lamb I had flown from Australia
Bet they’ll want it well-done
Or sliced thin on a bun
With a sauce
Orange sauce
McDonald’s sauce

[JEROME, spoken]
You see, nobody wanted to go out with me on account of my skin. Even tawny Wainwright, before her stepdad knocked her up...

[ELIOT, spoken]
She called me about that last week.

[JEROME, spoken]
Now she wouldn’t go out with me neither—until if I had a motorcycle, which is why I have a motorcycle. But since I lost m’job down to the Kandy Kitchen, I can’t keep up them payments and I...

[ELIOT, spoken]
How much?

[SYLVIA]
Cheese nips
Little cheese nips
Bet they dip ‘em in Kraft sandwich spread
Bet they’d eat a
Whole Velveeta
Bet they’d love it
I wish I was dead
Oh the wurst was the best and Bavarian
True the caviar’s utilitarian
But it does come from Russia
And surely deserves to be tried
Bet you they’d
Want it fried

[MARY, spoken]
You see, I’m afraid it’s gonna be twins again. You know my family, we got that twin gene or something. And I already got the pair without a name. The medical care gets real expensive, and they took my credit away at sears and roebuck when I was locked up on that trumped up, nogood, pack of lies, shoplifting charge ...

[DIANA, spoken]
Louise got the flu and Helen’s got scabies and Lorraine’s got to have a—whatchacallem—hysterectory, but other than that, the girls are fine.

[DAWN, spoken]
Miz Rosewater, I just think your hair looks so pretty like that, with them little blond streaks. I’d like to have Bella down to Bella’s Beauty Nook take a look into streakin’ mine that way.

[SYLVIA]
Crunching and munching them louder and louder
They’re crunching and munching them louder and louder
Oh god, now it’s deafening
Jesus, what’s happening?
What’ll I do?
What’s that on my shoe?
It’s pink
It smells icky
Oh Jesus, it’s sticky
My rug!
My poor rug! They killed my rug!

[ELIOT, spoken]
Hey, Charley, come on in. Where’s Sylvia? Sylvia, Charley Warmergran’s here. You all know fire chief Charley Warmergran, don’t you? Sylvia? Sylvia?

[SYLVIA]
Cheese nips
Little cheese nips
They make beautiful bright yellow crumbs
Cheese nips
Little cheese nips
You must serve them when company comes
Cheese nips
Cheese nips

[ALL]
Back home again in Indiana

[VOICE NOT UNLIKE GOD'S, spoken]
Late that night, Sylvia Rosewater attempted to burn down the Rosewater Township Volunteer Fire House. She was committed to a private mental hospital, in Indianapolis.