String

[Adrian Wapcaplet: John Cleese & (Mr. Simpson:Eric Idle)]

Ahh, come in, come in, Mr... Simpson! Welcome to Mousebat, Follicle, Goosecreature, Ampersand, Spong, Wapcaplet, Looseliver, Vendetta & Brang!
(Thank you.)
Do sit down, my name is Wapcaplet, Adrian Wapcaplet.
(How d'you do?)
Now, Mr. Simpson. Simpson, Simpson... French, is it?
(No.)
Ah. Now, I understand you want us to advertise your washing powder.
(String.)
String, washing powder, what's the difference? We can sell anything.
(Good.

Well, I have this large quantity of string, a hundred and twenty-two thousand miles of it, to be exact, which I inherited, and I thought if I advertised it-)
Of course! A national campaign. Useful stuff, string, no trouble there.
(Ah, but there's a snag, you see: Due to bad packing, the hundred and twenty-two thousand miles is in three-inch lengths. So, it's not very useful.)
Well, that's our selling point! Simpson's Individual Stringettes!
(What?)
The now string! Ready cut, easy to handle, Simpson's Individual Imperial Stringettes, just the right length!
(For what?)
Uh... A million household uses!
(Such as?)
Umm... Tying up any small parcels, attaching notes to pigeon's legs, uh, destroying household pests-
(Destroying household pests? How?)
Well, if they're bigger than a mouse, you can strangle them with it, and if they're smaller, then you flog 'em to death with it.
(Surely-)
Destroy ninety-nine percent of known household pests with pre-sliced, rust-proof, easy-to-handle, no-calorie Simpson's Individual Imperial Stringettes, free from artificial coloring, as used in hospitals!
(Hospitals?)
Have you ever been to a hospital where they didn't have string?
(No, but it's only string-)
Only string? It's everything!

It's- ...It's waterproof!
(No, it isn't.)
Alright, it's water-resistant, then!
(It isn't.)
Alright, it's water absorbent! It's Super-Absorbent String. Absorb water today with Simpson's Individual Water-Absorbitech Stringettes! Away with floods!
(You just said it was waterproof!)
Away with the dull drudgery of work-a-day tidal waves! Use Simpson's Individual Flood Preventers!
(You're mad!)
Shut up! Shut up, shut up! Sex, sex, sex, must get sex into it.

Wait, I see a television commercial. There's a nude woman in a bath holding a bit of your string. That's great. Great! But we need a doctor, gotta have a medical opinion. There's a nude woman in a bath with a doctor. That's too sexy. Put an archbishop in there watching, that'll take the curse off it.
Now, we need children and animals. There's two kids admiring the string, and a dog admiring the archbishop who's blessing the string.
Uhh... international flavor's missing; make the archbishop Greek Orthodox! Why not Archbishop Makarios? No, no, he's dead. Nevermind, we'll get his brother, it'll be cheaper.
There's Archbishop Makarios' brother and a doctor, in a bath, with a nude woman, two kids and a dog- no...
[sketch fades out]