Bells

[Husband:Graham Chapman & (Wife:Terry Jones)]
[Loud churchbells]
I wish those bloody bells would stop!
(Oh, it's quite nice, dear, it's Sunday! It's the church!)
What about us atheists? Why should we have to listen to that sectarian turmoil?
(You're a lapsed atheist, dear.)
The principle's the same!

Bleeding C. of E! The Mohammedans don't come 'round here waving bells at us! We don't get Buddhists playing bagpipes in our bathroom or Hindus harmonizing in the hall! The Shintoists don't come here shattering sheet glass in the shithouse and shouting slogans-
(Alright, don't practice your alliteration on me.)
Anyway! When I get my membership card and blazer badge back from the League of Agnostics, I shall urge the executive to launch a protest against that religious racket!
Pass the butter knife!
(What?)
PASS THE BUTTER KNIFE! Thank you! If only we had some kind of missile!
(Hang on, I'll close the window!)
WHAT?
(I said I'll close the window!) [Window slams shut]

[Muted churchbells]
If only we had some kind of missile, we could take the steam out of those bells!
(Well, you could always use the #14 to Saint Joseph the Somewhat Divine On the Hill ballistic missile. It's in the attic.)
What ballistic missile would this be, then?
(I made it for you; it's your birthday present!)
Just what I wanted, how nice of you to remember, my pet-

[Churchbells gradually increase in volume]
HERE!
(What?)
THOSE BELLS ARE GETTING LOUDER!
(What?)
THOSE BELLS ARE GETTING LOUDER!
(The bells are getting louder-Ooh, look!)
WHAT?
(The church! It's getting closer! It's coming down the hill!)
WHAT A LIBERTY!
(It's turning into Elm Lane!)
STRAIGHT THROUGH THE LIGHTS, OF COURSE!
(Typical! Well, you'd better go put it out of its misery.)
WHERE'S THIS MISSILE, THEN?
(It's in the airing cupboard! Press the button marked "Church!")
HOW DO I AIM IT?
(Oh, it automatically homes in on the nearest place of worship!)
THAT'S SAINT MARK'S!
(It isn't now--look! Oh, it's opening the gate!)
WHAT? USE THE MEGAPHONE!
(IT'S OPENING THE GATE!)
I'LL POP UP TO THE AIRING CUPBOARD!
(Hurry up! It's trampling over the begonias!)

[Takeoff, explosion, churchbells slow to a stop]

Did I hit it?
(Yes, right up the aisle.)
Well, I've always said, there's nothing an Agnostic can't do if he really doesn't know whether he believes in anything or not.