Martyrdom of St. Victor

And it came to pass that St. Victor was taken from this place to another place, where he was lain upon pillows of silk and made to rest himself among sheets of muslin and velvet. And there, strokèd was he by maidens of the Orient. For sixteen days and nights strokèd they him, yea verily, and caressèd him.
His hair rufflèd they, and their fingers rubbèd they in oil of olives, and runnèd them across all parts of his body for as much as to soothe him. And the soles of his feet lickèd they, and the upper parts of his thigh did they anoint with a balm of forbidden trees. And with the teeth of their mouths nibblèd they the pointy bits at the top of his ears. Yea, verily, and did their tongues thereof make themselves acquainted with his most secret places.

For fifteen days and nights did Victor withstand these maidens. But on the sixteenth day, he cried out, saying:
"This is fantastic! Oh, this is terrific!"

And the Lord did hear the cry of Victor. And verily, came he down and slew the maidens, and caused their cotton-wool buds to blow away, and their Kleenex to be laid waste utterly.
And Victor, in his anguish, cried out that the Lord was a rotten bastard.
And the Lord sent an angel to comfort Victor for the weekend, and entered they together the jacuzzi.

Here endeth the lesson.