Bookshop

[Clerk: (John Cleese) & Customer: Graham Chapman]
Good morning
(Good morning, sir. Can I help you?)

Uh, yes. Do you have a copy of 30 Days In The Samarkand Desert With The Duchess of Kent by A. E. J. Elliot, OBE?
(Uh, well, I don't know the book, sir.)
Er, never mind, never mind. How about 101 Ways To Start a Fight?
(By?)
An Irish gentleman whose name eludes me for the moment.
(Uhh, no, well we haven't got it in stock, sir-)
Ah, well, not to worry, not to worry.

Can you help me with David Coperfield?
(Ah, yes, Dickens)
No.
(I beg your pardon?)
No, Edmund Wells.
(I think you'll find Charles Dickens wrote David Copperfield, sir)
No, no--Dickens wrote David Copperfield with two p's; this is David Coperfield with one p, by Edmund Wells.
(David Coperfield with one p?)
Yes, I should have said.
(Well, in that case, we don't have it.)

Funny, you got a lot of books here-
(Yes, we do, but we don't have David Coperfield with one p, by Edmund Wells.)
Are you quite sure?
(Quite.)
Not worth just looking?
(Definitely not.)
How about Grate Expectations?
(Yes, well we have that.)
That's G-R-A-T-E Expectations, also by Edmund Wells.
(Yes, well, in that case, we don't have it. We don't have anything by Edmund Wells, actually; he's not very popular.)

Not Knickerless Nickleby? That's K-N-I-C-K-E-R-L-E-S-S?
(No.)
Christmas Karol, with a K?
(No.)
How about A Sale Of Two Titties?
(Definitely not.)
Sorry to trouble you.
(Not at all.)
Good morning.
(Good morning.)

Oh!
(Yes?)
I wonder if you might have a copy of Rarnaby Budge?
(No, as I say, we're right out of Edmund Wells.)
No, not Edmund Wells, Charles Dikkens.
(Charles Dickens?)
Yes.
(You mean Barnaby Rudge?)
No, Rarnaby Budge by Charles Dikkens. That's Dikkens with two k's, the well-known Dutch author.
(No, we don't have Rarnaby Budge by Charles Dikkens-With-Two-K's-The-Well-Known-Dutch-Author, and perhaps, to save time, I should add we don't have Carnaby Fudge by Darles Chickens or Farmbury Sludge by Marles Pickens, or even Stickwick Stapers by Farles Wickens with four m's and a silent q! Why don't you try W. H. Smiths?)
I did; they sent me here.
(Did they.)

I wonder-
(Oh, do go on, please.)
I-I wonder if you might have The Amazing Adventures Of Captain Gladys Stoatpamphlet And Her Intrepid Spaniel Stig Amongst The Giant Pygmies Of Beccles, volume eight.
(No, we don't have that, funny, we got a lot of books here. Well, I mustn't keep you standing here, thank you-)
Do- do- do you have-
(Well, we really haven't.)
-the-the-the-there
(-No, we haven't. Sorry! It's one o'clock now, we're closing up for lunch. I'm sorry to-)
No, I s- I saw it over there! I saw it.
(What?)

I saw it over there--Olsen's Standard Book Of British Birds.
(Olsen's Standard Book Of British Birds?)
Yes.
(O-L-S-E-N?)
Yes.
(B-I-R-D-S?)
Yes.
(Yes, well, we do have that, as a matter of fact-)
The Expurgated Version?
(...Sorry, I didn't quite catch that.)
The Expurgated version?
(The Expurgated Version of Olsen's Standard Book Of British Birds?!)
The one without the gannet.
(The-- ...one without the gannet?! They've all got the gannet--it's a standard British bird, the gannet's in all the books!)
Well, I don't like them. They wet their nests.
(Alright, I'll remove it! [tearing] Any other birds you don't like?)
I don't like the robin.
(The robin? Right, the robin! [tearing] There you are! Any others you don't like? Any others?)
The nuthatch.
(Right, the nuthatch, the nuthatch, they're not in here! [tearing] Any more? No gannets, no robins, no nuthatches, there's your book!)
I can't buy that, it's torn!

I wonder of you have-
(Go on, ask me anything! We got lots of books here, you know, it's a book shop!)
Uh, how about Biggles Combs His Hair?
(No, no, we don't have that one, funny.)
The Gospel According To Charlie Drake?
(No, no, no, try me again!)
Uh... oh, I know! Ethel The Aardvark Goes Quantity Surveying?
(No, no, n- ...what? What?!)
Ethel The Aardvark Goes Quantity Surveying.
(...Ethel The Aard- [laughter]
I've got it! I've seen it somewhere! [laughter] Yes! Yes! Here we are! Ethel The Aardvark Goes Quantity Surveying! There's your book!

Now buy it!)
I don't have enough money.
(I'll take deposit!)
I don't have any money.
(I'll take a check!)
I don't have a checkbook.
(I'll take a blank one!)
I haven't got a bank account!
(Right! I'll buy it for you! [Register chimes] Here you are! There's your change, there's some money for a taxi on the way home, there's your book-)
Wait! Wait!
(Now, now, w-)

Wait!
(What!? What!? What!? What!? What?!)
I can't read!
(You can't read.
...Right! Sit down. Sit! Sit! Sit there! Are you sitting comfortably? Right!

Ethel the Aardvark was hopping down the river valley one happy afternoon...) [sketch fades out]