So Many Birthdays

[Open Int. Amethyst's Room]

(Steven and the Gems walk through the piles of random junk in Amethyst's room, in search of an object causing the foul odor that reeks throughout the temple.)

Pearl: (to Amethyst) How can you live like this?

Amethyst: It was fine 'til you guys started whining.

Pearl: (covers nose with fingers) Whining?! The whole temple reeks!

(Steven probes garbage with a stick until he finds something wrapped in tinfoil.)

Steven: I found it!

Pearl: (pinches nose) What matter of magical alloy is this?
(Steven unwraps tinfoil, gas plumes out.)

Garnet: [Camera pans to Garnet's face] It's a burrito.

Amethyst: (takes burrito) It's the Tuna Burrito from Aqua-Mexican!

Steven: That place closed like five years ago! (Amethyst takes a bite, Steven flinches in disgust, Pearl looks in horror.) Huh, what's this? looking at a painting that has Garnet, Amethyst, and Pearl, and Rose Quartz It kinda looks like you guys and my mom.

Pearl: excited Oh Steven, that is us.

Steven: Really?

Garnet: The hard part was getting the shark to pose.

Steven: Why is everyone dressed like old timey people?

Pearl: (places picture on top of a junk pile) They are old timey people.

Steven: (realizes) Wait, but that would mean... how OLD are you guys?

Pearl: Much older than any human.

Steven: (excitedly) Does that mean you'll live forever?!

Pearl: No, no. We don't age, but we can still get hurt and die.

(Amethyst keels over with sickened look on her face from burrito and moans.)

Pearl: (looks down at Amethyst) ... but not from food poisoning.

Steven: I just can't believe you guys are like a bazillion years old! How do you find a cake big enough for all those candles?
(Pearl and Garnet look at each other.)

Garnet: We don't really celebrate birthdays.

Steven: (heavy gasp) Why not?!

Garnet: (shrugs) It's not our way.

Steven: Well I can't just ignore this travesty of unjustice. I pledge that you will have your birthdays, with all the candy, cake, and ice cream you've been denied. (Amethyst vomits as screen goes black.)

[Trans. Ext. Crystal Temple]

(Outside, several birthday decorations are set up: A picnic towel with food items, balloons, and a large "birthday throne" where Amethyst sits with a royal cape, the others sit on folding chairs and Lion plays in the background.)

Steven: (places "birthday crown" on Amethyst) And the birthday queen is, Amethyst! I hope you like it, Dad made me this outfit and it brings me special birthday luck every year. (Steven sings the "Birthday Song" as he notices Lion playing with a birthday hat, stops singing) Hey!, I-it goes like this. (puts hat on Lion's head, Lion tries to take it off) Lion, you're killing me.

Pearl: (holding a balloon with a face drawn on it) Um, Steven? I know you put a lot of effort into... putting faces on things. But could it be that we're just a tad mature for this ritual?

Amethyst: (using a birthday hat to simulate Pearl's nose, pokes Pearl's nose) Boop.

Pearl: GAH! (chasing Amethyst while Amethyst playfully runs away) You will remove that this instant!

Steven: Wait! Here. (offers Amethyst a bat with a ribbon on it)

Amethyst: Awww, thanks! (takes bat) I'll use it all the time! (motions to hit Pearl with bat)

Steven: (immediately stops her) NO! It's for the piñata. (holds piñata for Amethyst to hit) The Piñata is an artifact from ancient Aqua-Mexico.

(Amethyst swings with blindfold wildly, almost hitting him.)

Steven: Aah, aah, aaah! (gives the Piñata to Garnet and hides behind her)

Amethyst: (swings blindly and hitting Garnet each time) Am I (swing) getting (swing) close? (hits Garnet's cheek)

Garnet: Higher. (Amethyst peeks, jumps and knocks it far into the ocean.)

Amethyst: (throws the bat aside) Ha, what next Steven?

Steven: Well, you were supposed to get delicious candy when you broke it open.

Amethyst: (gasp) Wait, you had candy and you didn't just GIVE it to us?

Steven: There will be more sweet treats at Pearl's party, I promise.

[Trans. Cliff facing Beach City]

(Steven brings them to a cliff overlooking Beach City, with a similar setup. Steven dressed in a clown costume and Pearl with the birthday outfit.)

Steven: Happy Birthday! Honk. (honks nose)

Amethyst: Steven! That is a brave look.

Steven: No, it's funny.

Pearl: How?

Steven: (tries to explain but stops) Oh geez, I'm breaking character. Wait wait wait. I wrote some jokes!-(takes out pages of his jokes) "Why did Pearl throw butter out the window?"...

Amethyst: (to Pearl, looking confused) You did what?

Steven: ... To see a butter fly!

Pearl: (hurt) I never did that. Steven, are you telling lies?

Steven: N-no. Oh, I know! Pearl, do you like pie?

Pearl: I DO like pie.

Steven: (gets pie out of basket) Well then you're in luck, I baked you a pie. (sarcastically) I sure hope nothing happens to it!~

Pearl: Yes, me too.

Steven: (intentionally trips) Who- whoops!

Pearl: (catches him) Woah, Steven, I've got you. Be careful, you almost fell right on that- (Steven shoves the pie in his face) Ah!

Steven: (covered in pie) See, Pearl? It's funny! (laughs)

(Pearl hides nervously behind Garnet)

Garnet: (Pearl whispers to Garnet) Pearl says she's all partied out and she's ready to go home.

Steven: This isn't going at all like it should. (takes wig off) I've got to pull out the ultimate birthday.

[Trans. empty lot near Big Donut]

(Steven brings the Gems to an empty lot with three small kiddie cars. Garnet wears the B-day outfit.)

Steven: Okay, there's no way you're not gonna love this! (points to 3 small cars) It's kazoo racers! (holding kazoo) You get in a car, you play a kazoo (blows kazoo), what more could you want? (holds 3 more kazoos) Dad used to do this for me every year.

Pearl: (anxious, whispers to Garnet) I think this is why aging makes humans DIE!

Garnet: Steven, thank you for the birthday parties, but I don't think we'll need anymore.

Steven: Why not?

Garnet: Our age is only an illusion and Pearl's pretty sure this ritual is more for human children. (takes crown off)

Pearl: (remorsefully) Nothing against children.

Steven: Children? Everyone gets to have birthdays, seriously, give it a try. You're never too old.

Garnet: We're just too big.

Steven: You're not too big. Y-you just get in. *attempts to get in small car* And then, uh...

Amethyst: shapeshifts into a baby, in small war jeep I can fit! Which way to the baby war? driving EAT TREAD, DIRT BAGS!!!

Steven: What if birthdays are just for little kids? What if even I'm too old?

Amethyst: drives next to him No way! You TOTALLY fit! picks him up and attempts to shove him in Oh, my bad, you are too old. drives off and laughs

Pearl: Are you okay?

Steven: I just need to think. gets up but car is stuck to his behind Kazoo Racers suddenly seems undignified. walks off

[Trans. Time Skip- Evening, Beach City Boardwalk]

(Steven walks alone in the mist, the sun is down and all is dark.)

Steven: I never realized birthdays meant leaving things behind. All these parties, ugh, so embarrassing. (Steven's gem activates, causing him to mature into a teen, sighs, in a cracking voice) (sees Onion at a game) Oh Onion, so young, so innocent. (Onion steals the quarters from the game.)

[Trans. Int. Funland Arcade]

Steven: (walks into arcade) Whacker Man Jr.! (looks around nervously) Ooh, I can't be seen playing a childish game like Whacker Man Jr. I better stick to sophisticated games, like regular Whacker Man. plays Whacker Man

Whacker Man: It's whackin' time. You're gonna get whacked!
(Steven bops the figures, chuckles.)

[Trans. BC Boardwalk]

Steven: walking on boardwalk That was fun, but a boy on the cusp of manhood can't spend the whole day whackering. (He sees a Help Wanted sign on T-Shirt Shop.) I need to take control of my life.

(His gem activates, aging him into a full grown man, voice deepens)

Steven: It's time, to get a proper job. (enters store, looks at shirts) But which one? Surf Master? No. Love Doctor? I'm too squeamish. Ah, now this is the job for me. (leaves store with "Steven Universe Professional Beach Hunk Adult Heather Red T-Shirt" shirt) Ha, this day went so fast, I need a pick-me-up. (walks to Big Donut, gem activates)

[Trans. Int. Big Donut]

(Steven enters Big Donut as a middle aged man with balding hair.)

Steven: Two of the usual please, I've had quite a day.

Lars: Ha, you must be confused pal, I work here everyday and I've never seen your mug before.

Steven: Oh hardy har, Lars. I used to make jokes, (Lars and Sadie looks at each other, confused) but you know what? I've had a lot of time to think today and sometimes you gotta smarten up, act like an adult. Because one day, if you don't, everyone you know is gonna grow up without you. And then you won't have little Steven to pick on anymore because I'll be a grown up too.

Sadie: Steven... who? (looks at his shirt that says 'Professional Beach Hunk')

Steven: (surprised) Steven Quartz Universe! And I want that doughnut, right there! (looks in case and sees reflection of himself as an older man) Aaah!

Sadie: Sir, are you okay?

Steven: I'm... OLD!

Lars: Yeah, and nuts!

Steven: I'm going to have to eat fiber cereal, all my teeth are gonna fall out, and then, I'll have to eat oatmeal and it'll be sugar-free! (His gem activates and ages him further.) Sugar-free! (wheezes and walks over to table and sits down I need to reverse this! (Sadie attempts to comfort him.) I need, a "reverse birthday"... the king costume. (to Sadie and Lars) Will you help me into my birthday suit? (Sadie's expression goes blank, Lars looks slightly amused.)

(Taking it the wrong way, Sadie chases old Steven with a stool.)

Sadie: (holding chair above head) Yeah, you better run!

[Trans. Beach]

(Steven continues to run along the beach, but hurts his back doing so.)

Steven: (limping) I'm... too... old... for this. (His gem activates, aging him into a very old man with a gray beard, and he falls over. Lion approaches him.) Lion... (Lion picks him up and runs towards the temple.)

[Trans. Ext. Crystal Temple]

(The Gems are picking up party decorations.)

Pearl: (cleaning up decorations) You know, Steven was right, this is fun.

Amethyst: You don't have to keep wearing that stuff.

Garnet: (still wearing b-day outfit) It makes me feel... important.

(Lion approaches and drops the aging Steven in front of them, Gems rush to him.)

Pearl: Steven! (shocked) What's wrong with him?

Amethyst: He's okay, he's just really, really, really, really old.

Pearl: (tearing up) Gems can't die from aging, but he's half human.

Amethyst: Can't we fix him?

Steven: (struggling) My birthday suit, might help.
(Garnet takes off the birthday suit and Steven wears it.)

Amethyst: Good as new. (exhales) Right...?

Steven: Thanks guys, but I guess this suit's all out of birthday magic. We had a good run, huh? (ages again)
Garnet: More birthdays! NOW. (grabs Amethyst and Pearl)

Amethyst: Check it out, B-Day Boy.

(Amethyst transformed into a small car, Garnet riding her.)

Amethyst: I'm a tiny car!

Garnet: Beep beep.

Steven: (struggling) Kids, stuff...
(His gem ages him further, Amethyst transforms back.)

Amethyst: (transforms into a piñata) Ooh, piñata time!
(His gem ages him even further)

Garnet: It's not working.

Amethyst: Pearl! Get over here.

Pearl: I can't!

Amethyst: For STEVEN! (picks up Pearl in clown costume with a pie and in front of Steven)

Pearl: (tearing up) Oh, look, I have what, um, what appears to be a delicious pie. I sincerely hope nothing happens to- (cries) Oh Steven! (shoves pie in face, sobs in pie)

Amethyst: Are you trying to kill him faster?!

(Pearl starts crying, then runs to Amethyst and hugs her, but accidentally strangles her because of her sadness.)

Amethyst: Pearl! (tries to break free)

(Garnet pushes them aside, picks up Steven and then shakes him violently.)

Amethyst and Pearl: Garnet?! (rush over to stop her)

Pearl: Wait a minute, what are you doing?!

Amethyst: Garnet stop!

Garnet: (puts him down) I thought... violence... would be the answer.

(Amethyst and Pearl inaudibly and angrily yell at Garnet as Steven voices out his opinion, not noticing himself turning young.)

Steven: (weak) Would you guys, just please (Gem activates, turning him back into an adult.) Control yourselves?! (The Gems stop and pay attention.) Ugh, oh no. (transforms into a teen) Oh, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have yelled. (blushes) But I can't stand to see you (ages into adult again) freaking out like this!

Pearl: (surprised) Wha-?

Garnet: Steven, you're changing!

Pearl: Your age is fluctuating, I think your gem is reacting to your state of mind.

Amethyst: Steven! Stop! Feeling! Old!

Steven: (transforms into teen) But I wasted your time... (transforms into old man) We all have such little ti-ime...

All Gems: STEVEN!!!

Pearl: You have to feel like yourself! Sweet and considerate and only occasionally obnoxious!

Steven: (transforms into teen) You really think I'm all those things?

Garnet: Yes!

Amethyst: Why else would you throw us all those parties?

Steven: Oh my gosh, you're right. (transforms back, to his young self) I am pretty great.

Pearl: Oh Steven! (Pearl and Amethyst rush to hug him.) Steven!

Garnet: We'll work on the rest, later. (Steven pulls up his shirt to reveal he still has full grown legs, laughs and bounces his legs up and down.)

[END]