Laser Light Cannon

[Open Ext. Beach Citywalk Fries]

(Steven and Amethyst run toward the counter of Beach Citywalk Fries.)

Steven: Hey, Fryman, give me the bits!

Mr. Fryman: (flips sign) Steven! We’re closed.

Steven: (disappointed) Aww, what?

Amethyst: (hits counter) Give 'em the bits! (chants while continuously hitting the counter) The bits, the bits... (Steven joins in)

Steven & Amethyst: (both chanting) The BITS! The BITS! The BITS! (banging on counter)

Mr. Fryman: Okay, okay! Take it easy on the counter, will ya? (goes to cook fry bits)

Steven & Amethyst: Yes! (high-five each other)

Mr. Fryman: (hands Steven a bag of fry bits) I can give you actual fries if you want.

Steven: Just the bits, please. (takes bag) Thanks. (walking away while Amethyst picks a handful of bits) Ah, sunset, my favorite time of day. When the sun goes down, and the second sun gets bigger and bigger in the sky.

Amethyst: (bursts out laughing) Yeah, that big hot second su— (gasps, notices the Red Eye) Oh no, what is that doing here?

Steven: What is it? (Amethyst picks him up and runs while Steven drops his bits) Ah, my bits!

[Trans. beach near Crystal Temple]

Garnet: This is bad.

Pearl: (peering through telescope) Look at the size of it, I had no idea these things were so big!

Amethyst: (running towards them carrying Steven) Garnet! Pearl!

Pearl: We saw. Some of us are trying to protect humanity. (angry) Where were you?

Amethyst: (puts Steven down) ... Eating fry bits. (Pearl sighs)

Steven: Oh, can I see? (peers) Woah. It's a giant eyeball! Awesome!

Pearl: (angrily) NOT awesome! It's a Red Eye!

Steven: A Red Eye?! It’s going to infect us all!

Garnet: That’s pink eye, Steven. (Amethyst laughs)

Pearl: It’s going to crash into Beach City and crush us, along with a bunch of oblivious, innocent people! We have to stop it.

Steven: What are we going to do?

Garnet: (adjusts visor) The only thing powerful enough to destroy it is a Light Cannon that belonged to Rose Quartz.

Steven: My mom?

Amethyst: (moans angrily) If Rose were here, this would be so easy.

Pearl: I know, but she’s not, and the cannon is missing. We’ll have to find another solution.

Steven: If it belonged to my mom, I bet my dad knows where it is. He can help us save the day! (silence) Huh? Eah?!

Pearl: (sugarcoats her opinion of Greg) Greg is... nice, Steven, but I doubt Rose would entrust someone like him with such a powerful weapon.

Amethyst: Your dad is kind of a mess, Steven. (puts hand on Steven's shoulder)

Pearl: AMETHYST!

Amethyst: I’m just sayin’, even if she did leave it with him, he probably broke it, or lost it, or dropped it in the ocean by now.

Garnet: True.

Steven: No way, I’m sure he’s just keeping it somewhere safe. I’ll go ask him.

Garnet: We can handle this, Steven. (to Amethyst) Ready?

(Garnet picks up Amethyst and tosses her at the Red Eye, to no effect, making Amethyst fall into the ocean)

Steven: Ugh, I’m gonna go.

Pearl: (half-heartedly) ... Okay, good luck.

[Ext. It's a Wash]

Steven: (bangs on van doors) Dad, it’s me! Dad, are you in there? Wake up! We have to save... the— WORLD! (climbs on van) Dad! (trips and sets off car alarm) (smiles)

Greg: (bursts out with a waffle iron) Who’s there? I have a waffle iron!

Steven: (on top of the van) Dad, it’s me!

Greg: (looks up) Steven? (Steven jumps down and hugs his dad) I almost waffled your face! What are you doing up so late?

Steven: What do you mean? The sun just went down an hour ago.

Greg: (blushes) Oh, heh. It was a... slow day at the car wash. Anyway, what’s up? Just needed to see your old man, pal around, learn some lessons about life?

Steven: (blushes) No! I need the light cannon that belonged to Mom, to blow up that eyeball! (points to the Red Eye)

Greg: Eyeball?

Steven: (points) That!

Amethyst: (Amethyst is seen flying towards the Red Eye, but falls back into the ocean) Raaaah!!!

Greg: Wait, is that a magical thing? The Gems told me not to get involved with magic stuff. It... it could be dangerous or interfere with what’s left of my hair. (rubs hair)

Steven: But they need Mom’s cannon. You've gotta know where it is, like a cave dungeon or a cloud fortress, or in a clam at the bottom of the ocean!

Greg: Well, I don’t know about all that. But I have an idea where it might be.

[Ext. U-Stor]

Steven: A magical storage unit! (rushes to U-Stor)

Greg: Ha, not exactly. But some would say there’s magic inside. (winks as Steven who looks at him cluelessly) It’s just a shed I use to keep things that don’t fit in the van. If it’s anywhere, it’ll be in here.

(He opens the door and reveals a shed filled to the brim with boxes and clutter)

Steven: If I’m going in there, I’m gonna need some gear. (ties a flashlight to his head with sock and electric cord wrapped around waist) Here I go.

Greg: Good luck!

Steven: (crawls into shed) Woah, cool! It’s like a dad museum. (goes deeper) There it is! *pulls down golf clubs* Do you golf?

Greg: Eh, I’d like to think of myself as someone who would golf... eventually.

Steven: (notices cannon shaped object) Hmm, yes! ... A drum. (rummaging) No, no... (gasp) Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh! Is this— (shoots T-Shirt Cannon) “Buy T-shirt Cannons”? (notices box full of CDs) Hey, there’s a bunch of copies of your old CD! (gets one and stores it in his pocket)

Greg: Huh. Oh, man, I couldn’t give those things away. You know, before I ran the car wash, when I was a one-man band, I traveled the whole country.

Steven: *chuckle* I know, Dad.

Greg: When I came to play a concert here in Beach City, no one showed up except—

Steven: An ALLIGATOR!

Greg: No, it was your mother.

Steven: (goes deeper) Hahaha, I know.

Greg: And we were always together after that. Until she gave up her physical form to bring you into the world. I don’t know what a magic lady like her ever saw in a plain old dope like me.

Steven: (breaks photo frame of Greg and Rose, gasps) Uh, Dad, I broke a photo.

Greg: It’s okay buddy. If every pork chop were perfect, we wouldn’t have hot dogs. (cannon begins to glow)

Steven: (notices glow) Huh? (gasps) The light cannon!

Greg: (looking at Red Eye) Oh boy, that thing’s giving me the willies. (rubs stomach)

Steven: Dad, I found it!

Greg: Really?

Steven: (tying cord around cannon) Get the van! (Greg pulls it out) This thing could save the city, we've gotta get it to the beach!

Greg: How? It’s too big for the van. (wagon rolls by) Easy does it. (puts cannon on wagon)

[Int. Greg's Van]

(Steven and Greg are driving to the beach.)

Steven: Is it gonna be okay?

Greg: (shrugs) If every pork chop were perfect—

Steven: (chimes in) We wouldn’t have hot dogs!

Greg: (watches enlarged Red Eye) That thing’s getting huge, it's freaking me out.

Steven: Can’t the van go any faster?

Greg: This is faster.

Steven: Don’t worry. Come on, let’s put on your CD.

Greg: (embarrassed) What? Really? Come on, you’ve heard it.

Steven: *chuckling* You come on. (inserts disc)

Steven: (singing along with "Let Me Drive My Van (into Your Heart)") Let me drive my van into your heart! (song continues to play in the background)

[Transition to Beach]

Amethyst: (washes up back on shore) Throw me again, I think I’m cracking it. (notices Steven) Is that... ?

Steven: Hey, guys!

Pearl: (gasps) He really had it!

Amethyst: (jumping in front of Garnet and Pearl) We’re SAVED!!!

(Red Eye’s gravity begins to pull everything towards it, causing rumbling and destruction)

[Trans. Ext. Beach Citywalk Fries]

(Fryman is observing the destruction affecting his restaurant.)

Fryman: Whoa, whoa, whoa, easy! (A sign rips off of the building)

[Trans. Beach]

Garnet: We have to use it now.

Pearl: I don’t know how it works, it was Rose’s!

Steven: Dad, how do we use it? (Greg shrugs)

Pearl: Steven, this is serious. (realizes) The gem. You have Rose’s gem.

Amethyst: That’s it! (lifts Steven and rubs him against the cannon) Ah, come on!

Garnet: Stop that.

Pearl: It’s no use.

Amethyst: Fine, forget it. Throw me again.

Pearl: That’s not going to work.

(The gravitational pull intensifies and pulls the van and cannon)

Greg: (unhooks cord from cannon) I got this. (gets pulled) Ugh, wait, nope, maybe I don’t! (tries to stop van)

Steven: (to cannon) Please work, unlock, activate, go, please! Everyone’s counting on you, you can’t just be useless! I know you can help.

Greg: It’s okay, Steven. We’ll figure out something else, something even better.

Steven: R-r-r-right, if every pork chop were perfect, we wouldn’t have hot dogs. (cannon begins to activate)

Pearl: It’s working!

(The cannon unlocks and falls. There is a collective gasp. Steven attempts to lift it and the Gems soon help)

Pearl: Steven!

Amethyst: This is it!

Garnet: BRACE YOURSELVES!!!

(The cannon shoots a rose shaped blast that destroys the Red Eye, causing it to explode and shrapnel to fall, destroying parts of the city boardwalk)

Amethyst: Steven, you just saved most of Beach City!

Steven: (to Fryman) Sorry about that!

Fryman: What?

Pearl: How did you get it to work?

Steven: I just said that thing that Dad always says.

Pearl: That thing about pork rinds?

Garnet: Hot dogs.

Greg: (tears up) Rose...

(The tide suddenly comes in and washes the van towards the beach but is still surrounded by water. There is collective laughter)

Greg: My van!

Steven: It’s okay, Dad, if every pork chop were perfect—

Greg: I LIVE in there! (rushes towards van)

Steven: Wait up! (goes towards van)

Greg: Oh geez, wait, wait, wait!

[END]