Show You a Thing or Two

[MEREDITH]
You are such a smart boy!
We'll turn you into a proper young man in no time.
Here is a cat...

[BAT BOY]
Hee ba za cat.

[MEREDITH]
There is a goose.

[BAT BOY]
Zi ba z goose.

[MEREDITH]
This is a rat
.
[BAT BOY]
Zi bi za wat.

[MEREDITH]
And that is a moose.

[BAT BOY]
Ba ba ba ba boose.

[MEREDITH]
The cat crept up behind the goose but then away it flew.

[BAT BOY]
Flu

[MEREDITH]
The rat was jealous of a moose who loved a kangaroo.

[BAT BOY]
Ru.

[MEREDITH]
The cat and rat gave up and found a flat in Timbuktu.

[BAT BOY]
Tu.

[MEREDITH]
And now-

[BAT BOY]
And now-

[MEREDITH]
Review-

[BAT BOY]
Review-

[MEREDITH]
We read the whole way through!

[BAT BOY]
Caa, goose, Raa, moose, Kangaroow, tibuktoow!

[MEREDITH]
Understand?

[BAT BOY]
Yes I do!

[MEREDITH]
Good for you!
I'll show you a thing or two

[BAT BOY]
Two.

[MEREDITH]
I'll teach you to name it.
[BAT BOY]
Nane it.

[MEREDITH]
Sure it's tough but you'll tame it.

[BAT BOY]
Tane it.

[MEREDITH]
You'll soon complete it oh- wait, don't eat it.

[BAT BOY]
Oh.

[MEREDITH]
I'll show you the way it's done, then I'll leave it to you.
And whaddaya know, you may show me a thing or two.

[SHELLEY]
Hi Mom!

[MEREDITH]
Hello, Shelley. How was school, dear?

[SHELLEY]
It was great! How's Bat Boy doing today?

[MEREDITH]
Edgar is coming along nicely.
We were just watching Masterpeice Theatre on PBS.

[SHELLEY]
How do you do?

[BAT BOY]
How do you do?

[SHELLEY]
Lovely, and you?

[BAT BOY]
Lovely, and you?

[SHELLEY]
Won't you sit down?

[BAT BOY]
Won't you sit down?

[SHELLEY]
Don't mind if I do.

[BAT BOY]
Don't mind if I do.

[SHELLEY]
The weather would be perfect if it weren't quite so hot.

[BAT BOY]
Hot.

[MEREDITH]
I fear we're out of sandwiches, that butler should be shot.

[BAT BOY]
Shot.

[SHELLEY/MEREDITH]
But won't you stay the night we're having dinner on the yacht!

[BAT BOY]
Yacht?

[MEREDITH]
Now ready-

[BAT BOY]
What?

[MEREDITH]
Or not,

[BAT BOY]
Not!

[MEREDITH]
Show me what you've got.

[BAT BOY]
Bow deep, kiss hand, pull chair, look bland.
Pour the tea, pass the jam

[MEREDITH]
Are we clear?

[BAT BOY]
Yes, ma'am!

[MEREDITH]
I'll show you a thing or two. Don't cry, it's okay, dear.
Rome's not built in a day, dear.

[BAT BOY]
Hah?

[MEREDITH] A bit more schooling\
A lot less drooling.

[MEREDITH/SHELLEY]
Easy does it, that's how it's done.
Soon you'll pick up your cue,
Then whaddaya know, you may show us a thing or two!

[DR.PARKER]
Honey, I'm home!

[SHELLEY]
Hi, Daddy! How was work?
[DR.PARKER]
Great! How is Edgar coming along?
[MEREDITH]
This week's been a little rocky, dear.

[SHELLEY]
We're trying flashcards.

[BAT BOY]
Champs-Elysees?

[MEREDITH]
Parthenon.

[BAT BOY]
Great White Way?

[SHELLEY]
Everglades.

[BAT BOY]
Berlin Wall?

[DR.PARKER]
Autobahn.

[BAT BOY]
Carnegie Hall?

[MEREDITH]
Ice Capades.

[BAT BOY]
Pentagon?

[SHELLEY]
Golden Gate.

[BAT BOY]
Amazon?

[DR.PARKER]
Rio Grande.

[BAT BOY]
Taj Majal!

[SHELLEY]
Empire State.

[BAT BOY]
Wailing Wall?

[MEREDITH]
Disneyland.

[DR.PARKER]
Perhaps I should have a word with the boy.
Let me talk to him over here for a moment!
I'll show you a thing or two
Sure, kid, you feel weary
Head's all fuzzy and bleary.
I know you're leery. But here's my theory.
Keep sluggin'- that's how it's done.
Soon you're bound to break through!
And whaddaya know, you may-

[BAT BOY]
Wait a minute!

[DR.PARKER/MEREDITH]
Whaddaya know, you may-

[BAT BOY]
I think I've got it!

[DR.PARKER/MEREDITH/SHELLEY]
Whaddaya know, you may-

[BAT BOY]
Eureka!

[DR.PARKER/MEREDITH/SHELLEY]
Show me!

[BAT BOY]
Brooklyn Bridge, Lenin's Tomb, Watergate, Rainbow Room!
Ruby Ridge, Liberty Bell, Bering Strait, Bates Motel!
Spartacus, Fargo, And Anchors Aweigh!
Love Story, Key Largo, Remains Of The Day!
Puccini, Otello, Bellini, Wayne Shorter and Elvis Costello!

[SHELLEY]
Mom, Edgar just finished his essay for his high school equivalency exam!

[BAT BOY]
I will discuss Copernicus who ruined all our fun,
And showed we're just a ball of dust that limps around the sun.
Which brings me then to Darwin, when he bent us out of shape
As he began to prove that man is nephew to an ape.
We were annoyed when Doctor Freud declared it's not a soul,
It is your blind subconscious mind that's always in control.
But I submit that any twit if he had eyes to see,
Can seize his fate; self-educate; and turn out just like me!

[ALL]
Shirts, shoes, pants, vest.
Can't go out there underdressed.
Collar pressed, look your best.
And won't they be impressed! 'Cause:

I'll/He'll show 'em a thing or two!

[BAT BOY]
I was dirty and rowdy

[ALL]
Rowdy

[BAT BOY]
Even dressed a bit dowdy

[ALL]
Dowdy

[BAT BOY]
But now say:

[ALL]
Howdy!

[ALL]
To a summa cum laude!
I'll/He'll show 'em the way it's done!
But no applause I'm/He's not through!

[BAT BOY]
I'm gonna Vince Van Gogh 'em

[ALL]
And Henry Thoreau 'em

[BAT BOY]
And Plato-

[ALL]
And Cato-

[BAT BOY]
And Edgar Allen Poe 'em

[ALL]
Gonna Jean Cocteau 'em

[BAT BOY]
And Jacques Cousteau 'em

[ALL]
Fellini-

[BAT BOY]
Houdini-

[ALL]
And Michaelangelo 'em

[BAT BOY]
Gonna Jackie O 'em

[ALL]
Marilyn Monroe 'em

[BAT BOY]
Botticelli-

[ALL]
Machiavelli-

[BAT BOY]
Larry, Curly and Moe'em
And whaddaya know, once you-

[ALL]
Learn to crawl-ah

[BAT BOY]
You suddenly grow to be-

[ALL]
Ten feet taller!

[BAT BOY]
So buddy I'm going to-

[ALL]
-show 'em all a thing or two.
You’ll show them a thing or two!
You’ll show them a thing or two!
You’ll show them a thing or two!

[BAT BOY]
Or two! Or two!

[ALL]
Show 'em a thing or two!