No Fuss

[Winston]
Ah, who's the mouse the cats are clawing at today?

[Aggie]
I've got some wonderful news—tie your shoe before you trip and break your neck!

[Winston]
What's your news?

[Aggie]
Janey and Ralph are getting married!

[Winston]
Really?

[Aggie]
What kind of reaction is that? The first good news in I don't know how long, and Tom says, That's nice, and you say, Really?!

[Winston]
No, it's wonderful news. Really! Just took me by surprise, is all. Is the girl here?

[Aggie]
She's at work

[Winston]
Well, we'll give them such a party, there'll be drunken cousins throwing up catered dinners from here to the Grand Concorse!

[Aggie]
But see, it's not that simple. They've got to get married Thursday morning-

[Winston]
Hey—how about that place that John rented for his Caroline's wedding? He's always bragging on about how much he spent on that—we'll take that room, *plus* the room next door, just for the champagne toast! That'll shut him up for once! And I'm paying for the hall, no arguments! You just leave it all to me

[Aggie]
It's not gonna be like that. They're just having a small civil ceremony in the morning, and then they're off on their honeymoon

[Winston]
Now why would they get married like that?

[Aggie]
Because it's what they want
And there are other complications
There's a friend who's getting married
With a baby and a car and a U-haul full of furniture and West Coast relations
City Hall and a clerk
Only three weeks off from work
So there's time limitations

[Winston]
Stop addressing Congress! What are you trying to say?

[Aggie]
Here's the thing, Winston—did you tie your shoe?

They don't want any fuss
Janey made that clear
Just immediate family, plus
Her friend, Alice
Whose wedding she was in last year
They want to keep it small

You know how it goes
You invite one Uncle
And you have to ask them all
Then the cousins and the friends and the neighbors and their dates
And the list grows and grows

[Winston]

(pause)

I'm not invited?

[Aggie]
You're not listening to me!

They have to leave by Thursday afternoon
Or there won't be time for them to have their honeymoon
So they have to do it quick
And-

[Winston]
-and I'm not to be considered immediate family