Immediate Family

[Aggie]
You're late!

[Winston]
I stepped out seeking a tonic for my troubles... and may have gotten more than I bargained for

[Aggie]
My brother has always been the funny one!

(taking control of Winston)

Um, Mr. and Mrs. Halloran, this is my brother, Winston

[Mr. Halloran]
Nice to meet you!

[Mrs. Halloran]
Oh, it's a pleasure!

[Winston]
Oh, the pleasure is mine, Mrs. Harrigan!

[Aggie]
Mr. *Halloren* was just telling us all about his daughter's wedding

[Winston]
Only
Immediate family

[Mrs. Halloran]
Excuse me?

[Winston]
The kids will be inviting only-

Immediate family

Oh, that's what they said
But I know what they meant
I don't have to be hit in the head
To see through to their true intent
To exclude a certain Uncle
Just because his branch on the family tree
Is a wee bit *bent*

[Aggie]
(tense)
Winston, have some fish

[Winston]
Was there ever a truer gesture of familial love?

Passing you a platter
While they tell you you don't matter

Immediate family!
Those folks you sometimes hate
But have to suck it up and tolerate
Immediate family
The ones who get to treat you bad
Because, no matter what they do
You can bet you're stuck with them
And
Much to their obvious regret
They're stuck with you

Don't you agree, Mrs. Hannigan?

[Aggie]
(angry)
Could we discuss this later?

[Winston]
YES, WE COULD. But why put off 'til tomorrow what we've avoided until today?

I never thought I'd live to see the day
My own sister
Would turn her back on me this way
But I've seen lots of other families do it
So it's not like I'm a stranger to it

Keith, my business partner
Of almost two years
Would bury his face in my lap

Oh, yes, he would

And soak my crotch with tears
Because, though they occasionally phoned him
His family had basically disowned him

And do you know why?

[Mrs. Halloran]
Oh, I'm sure I couldn't guess

[Winston]
Well, of course you could, Mrs. Hooligan! But you would have had to have lived an entirely different life. No, you see, Keith - like me - is a "confirmed bachelor Uncle"—and confirmed or not, "bachelor Uncles" are apparently to be kept outside!

Outside. Like the family dog

[Janey]
You're not the only one, we're not inviting any Aunts or Uncles!

[Mrs. Halloran]
No Aunts or Uncles?!

[Janey]
It'll just be immediate family

[Mr. Halloran]
You never said anything like that!

[Ralph]
I told you that! I absolutely did, right off!

[Mrs. Halloran]
Ridiculous!

[Mr. Halloran]
Who has a wedding without relatives?!

[Mrs. Halloran]
Aunt Velma would be distraught! And what about Granny?!

[Winston]
Oh, poor, poor Granny

[Ralph]
It's our wedding, and we'll do what we like!

[Mr. Halloran]
Well, if you wanna make us feel left out, why don't you just elope?

[Ralph]
Don't tempt me!

[Mrs. Halloran]
Ralph Halloren!

[Mr. Halloran]
Young man, we will talk about this at home!

[Winston]
Believe me, I feel for you, Mrs. Hasenpfeffer! I myself tried to avoid this-

Den of domesticity
And the ugliness beneath
To find a bit of comfort
With the aforementioned Keith
But, poisoned by wedding madness
And envy of those who espouse
He issued a demand that we keep house!

He accused me of living here to avoid personal entanglements! Do you know what I told *him*? "You're not as dumb as you look!"

[Mr. Halloran]
Well, I think I've had enough of this

[Winston]
YOU, how about ME?!

Fifty years I've avoided
Co-habitual mess
Only to be derailed by this
"Niagara Falls Express"

I told the silly son of a bitch, The only house people like US get to keep is in the Pouf Ward of a padded palace! Period!

[Janey]
(to Aggie)
Can't you say something?!

[Aggie]
Winston! STOP

(pause)

[Winston]
I have broken the vow of silence. It's straight to Hell without supper for me—so if you will kindly remove your peas and posteriors, I will take to the cloistered confines of my secret shame

[Mrs. Halloran]
Excuse me?

[Winston]
No, excuse *me*-

(pointing at the couch whereon she sits)

-that's my bed you're sitting on!

[Mrs. Halloran]
Oh! I had no idea, I'm so sorry!

[Winston]
My, but you're a breath of fresh air, Mrs. Homonym! I feel like I can tell you anything!

[Ralph]
YOU CAN'T

(Winston sweeps her up to dance)

[Winston]
Shall we!

Immediate family
Can have such narrow minds
You'd think their heads were up their behinds

(The Hallorans gather up their things)

Immediate family
Will let you know you don't belong
In not-so-subtle little ways

And never let you forget
That you are forever in their debt

(The Hallorans and Ralph exit)

But wait, I'm not nearly finished yet!
Let's toast our fiancés!
And immediate family!
When I think of the petty
Annoying
Disloyal
Immediate family I define
Well, I'm not one to whine
So here's the bottom line
Though you say I'm
Not
Your immediate family
You
Are
Surely
Mine!