Cold Showers

[REBECCA]
There's nothing I love more in life
Than a scalding hot shower
It's the symbol of human dignity
That separates us from the chimps
Helps you scrub off the sleep and scrub on the day
Or scrub off the day, and scrub on the sleep
Don't know if you're morning or night shower people
Whatever floats your boat

But where are your toddlers gonna float their boats
If all you have is cold H₂O?
That's two parts hydrogen, one part oxygen
And zero parts justice!

[PAULA]
Now I know you're thinking
“What are you talking about?
Go away, this is private property!”€

[DARRYL]
Well, before we leave, ladies and gents
Allow me to set the scene: ima—

[MAN, spoken]
Yeah, I don't live here.

[DARRYL, spoken]
Oh.

[REBECCA]
Imagine your kids taking a shower before they go to school
They douse their skin with ice cold water
A huge shock to their little systems
At first it's downright unpleasant, but then
It gets them wired in a way they've never felt
And they think to themselves:
“That shower felt great, maybe I'll try cocaine!”€

So your son's on coke, your daughter's pregnant
And your husband's probably having an affair
Apocalypse!
Just like the movie I Am Legend
But not like that at all

No hot water
Which means cold showers
Next thing you know
Your kids will be on crack

[DARRYL]
No hot water

[PAULA]
Which means cold showers!

[REBECCA]
Which everyone knows
Is the gateway drug to crack
Crack, crack, crack

[REBECCA, spoken]
Now, it's not just about the hot water, folks. If this landlord isn't taking one measly hour out of his day to fix your showers, then what's this scumbag doing with all your hard earned cash?
He's taking it and blowing it in a hand of Pai Gow at the Indian casino!

He's fat-catting it at fancy restaurants like The Olive Garden

And Red Lobster!
Gasp is right!
That's gasp with an uppercase G€
That ends with a P€ the first letter in pool!

[TENANTS]
Crack, crack, crack, crack
Crack, crack, crack, crack
Crack, crack, crack, crack
Crack, crack, crack, crack
Crack, crack, crack, crack
Crack, crack, crack, crack
Crack, crack, crack, crack
Crack, crack, crack, crack
[Gasp]
Crack, crack, crack, crack
Crack, crack, crack, crack
[Gasp]
Crack, crack, crack, crack
Crack—[Gasp]
[TENANTS]
No hot water

[PAULA]
No hot water

[TENANTS]
Which means cold showers

[REBECCA]
Next thing you know your kids will be on crack!

[TENANTS]
This makes sense!

[REBECCA & TENANTS]
No hot water
Means cold, cold showers
And cold showers are the gateway drug
To crack
Cold water is drugs!
Yeah!