Wri$ky Bidniz

[Intro: Will & Jackson]
Dude, do you eat your orange with or without the skin?
*knocking*
Dude,  do you hear that?
I think someone’s at the door. Go check it out
No, you go check it out
No,  you go check it out
Please  go check it out
I’m watchin’ Family Guy
*knocking*
*sighs*
Please go check it out. Just - Just go - Just go look out the window. Just go look at - You don’t have to go to the door, just go look out the window
Ugh, fine
*walks  to the door*
It’s that salesman again
The guy with the glasses?
Yes, the guy with the glasses. Who else? Well, he’s the only guy that’s come around to our house in, like, three months
Just ignore him, just -
*doorbell rings*
*both sigh*

(Ay, Lil’ Steve on the mic
Ahem)

[Verse 1: Jackson]
Hi there, name’s Steve
I know that you don’t know me
You might’ve seen me on TV
I got an offer that you wouldn’t believe, ay

Cuz I’m the epitome of salesman
That’s right, I’m an old-school salesman!
You can watch my infomercials
And you know that shit’s never failin’

And I got this product:
It’s a toaster oven that won’t break your wallet
It’s called Easy Bake

Now let me tell you ‘bout this oven
Here we go, step one, two, three
Put shit in, close the door, and turn the key
That’s it! Honestly!
Now, just between you and me

It run batteries, never leave the factory
If anybody working says it isn’t satisfactory
Endorsed by Applebee’s! (Not really...)
But you can make a killer Salisbury steak!

It makes it really easy to bake!
You can afford to put food on your plate after buyin’ it!
Compatible with diets
And you don’t even have to touch a single fuckin’ fryin’ pan
Are you buyin’ it yet?

[Interlude: Graham]
Hi there! My name’s Ken Dupree! Is your life in shambles?
Don’t you lie to me!

[Verse 2: Graham]
How’s your life feelin’, gettin’ demeaning?
If you really ain’t gettin’ the meaning, allow me to intervene
I’m sayin’ if you think it’s fallin’ apart, then let me restart
So I can tell you ‘bout the thing to add to your cart

Talkin’ motherfuckin’ Slice of Nice™!
The new breakthrough to make your shit aight!
If you’re wonderin’ how it works, then let me tell ya it’s simple
Kick up your feet and watch our interactive example

(Step one!) Grab a hold of ya shit
(Step two!) Place that bitch in with a flick of the wrist
(And last and least, third) Kick that shit to the curb!
What, you thought it’d get harder? Well, that’s fucking absurd!

It’s amazing, I know how ya feel
In the next thirty minutes, I can cut you a deal
For twice the Nice™ at half the price
That’s quadruple normal order, motherfucker
Fifty cents for a slice!

That’s right, just hit me up today
At 1-800-587-6588
For a product that’ll flip the script
You can share it with your friends and be an instant hit!
(No shit!)

After all, have I lied to you before?
(and I ain’t countin’ that fiasco with the foldable doors)
So pick up your Nice™ and put an end to the damage!
(Offer applies with enrollment in triple advantage)

[Sent to Voicemail: Will]
“Hey, it’s the Smiths! Uh…
We’re not home right now, we’re probably… out runnin’ around with the kids, so…
Call, uh, we’ll call you back when we get a chance, uh
Leave a message!”

At the tone, please record your message. When you’ve finished recording, you may hang up, or press 1 for more options

[Verse 3: Will]
Hi, it’s Sheila from your Monday Pilates!
Thought you’d be interested in something more than a hobby
Where you’re working for yourself, and for nobody else
Please don’t hang up the phone, I ain’t trying to sell

Now these two guys’ll try to sell you some shit
And get into your pants with their sly salesman tricks
So take this advice from me to you, girl to girl
Tricky dicks’ll never make it in the sales world

We sell makeup, bags, bags of makeup
That make up bags with other bags of makeup
When you purchase a bag that makes up bags of makeup bags, you get a free Keurig K-Cup!

Ain’t a pyramid scheme if you start at the top
I got a myriad of things that’ll make you wanna shop
Drop everything and set up a shop, stop
This is your dream, don’t let it slip through the seams
You know what I mean!

Now this is me reaching out, just checking in
We were best friends in High School, haven’t seen you since then!
There’s no pressure whatsoever, I’m just asking as a friend
So is Monday a good time for your training to begin?

No? What the fuck do you mean?
You’d be a neighborhood queen!
You’d be pumping out the green
Like a glitchy, broken money machine!
Take some time to think
And when you wanna join the team, just call me

[Switchup: Will]
We can go to Starbucks and get a coffee. For free!
Cuz I have a gift card that my husband got me!
Please! I need to sell these sheets!
At least three, or my commission will be held for a week!

We’re sorry, the number you have dialed is not in service at this time

[Ending: Will]
I’ll suck your cock, I swear to God