Virgin Mary (Joseph Was A Lousy Fuck)

[TIM Spoken: For shame, Edinburgh! For shame, for shame, for shame! I was walking along the street at about seven o'clock this morning, when lots of people were on their way to work. I saw a young woman on her way to work, minding her own fucking business, dressed very conservatively. I myself was dressed in a nice Yaga two piece, it felt very, very attractive, very slim, I looked great. But there was this young woman, sure enough, I've noticed in Edinburgh that you have a thing with these... with these cars. Boys in cars, they drive up... they turn around and they drive back again. They drive up.... and down again, and all they do is abuse women. They abuse women! Now, this young woman was standing there, sure enough this fucking white car with two boys in it pulls up. And they said, "Hello, darling. How about jumping in the back with Derrick? Oh yeah, go on, he can spew out his nose. Show her Derrick, show her Derrick!" Actually expecting this woman to say, "Sure, I've only got thirty seconds, which is longer than its gonna take to do both of you." I hate the police in this town. Spare me your middle-class consciousness!]

Oh, the Virgin Mary weren't no virgin
When I knew her
She'd been 'round the tracks a couple of times
With the men from Herod's troops
Oh, the Virgin Mary weren't no virgin
When I knew her
Had the mind of a child
And the body (Body, body)
Of a sewer

Oh the Virgin Mary didn't need no urging
The Virgin Mary weren't no virgin

[PAUL Spoken: Thank you, thank you, thank you. That's a... That's a beautiful little song entitled "Joseph Was A Lousy Fuck"]

[TIM Spoken: Poor Joseph, so completely pissed out of his mind he cannot remember a thing, "Nah, I never touched her, I mean she's the mother of God, John. Would you root her?"]

[PAUL Spoken: But if you think about it, young people, it's actually, uh... it's actually Joseph I feel most sorry for. Because, you know, there he is, right? He's just a hard working carpenter, just working away, working away...]

[RICHARD Spoken: Uh what's... what's...]

[PAUL Spoken: Rich is looking a bit confused which isn't a fucking big surprise. A couple of people out there are a bit confused. This, people, is a plane. Okay? It's a woodwork plane. Not this sorta plane, Christians. Woodwork plane, used by carpenters. Probably never been in a carpenter's shop in your life]

[RICHARD Spoken: No, no, hang on, Paul. You can't do that, Paul. 'Cause you're doing mime, and mime is only for dickheads on the mound, it's bullshit. It's bullshit, bullshit!]

[TIM Spoken: Sorry, Richard got out of our sight today and went and got a free personality from the Church of Scientology. Get what you pay for, obviously]

[PAUL Spoken: There's Joseph, right? Working away with the fucking plane. Just working away. Suddenly, one day out of the blue there's this knock on the door: knock knock. And in comes Mary, "Hi Mary, how⁠—"]

[TIM Spoken: Sorry, sorry. Richards's mother was killed this morning in a horrifying car crash. I mean a little bit of time's gone by we can laugh about it now, of course. But, you know, just... on eggs]

⁠[PAUL Spoken: There's Joseph, right? Working away with the plane! Suddenly, one day out of the blue there's this knock at the front door]

⁠[TIM Spoken: "Bing bong!"]

⁠[RICHARD Spoken: Oh, that'll be the phone]

⁠[TIM Spoken: "Bing ba bing. Bing bong. Bing bong. Bing bong]

⁠[PAUL Spoken: Well that⁠— That fucking wouldn't have worked would it?]

⁠⁠[TIM Spoken: Oh, why not?]

⁠[PAUL Spoken: 'Cause there's no electricity in those days]

⁠[TIM Spoken: Prove it!]

⁠[PAUL Spoken: There's Joseph, right? Working away with the fucking plane, working up a bit of a fucking sweat. Suddenly, one day out of the blue there's this knock at the front door]

⁠[TIM Spoken: Ah, damn! I wish some bastard would invent electricity! Actually no, that's probably not true, probably what happened is she came and she went, knock, knock, "Ow!," knock, knock, "Ow, ow, ow!" Because all of the doors in those times, of course, were made of rock, because wood had not yet been invented. All the doors were rock, which probably explains why archaeologists recently discovered the skeletons of Jerusalem's very early Avon ladies with Band-Aids all over their knuckles]

⁠[RICHARD Spoken: Ahha, no Tim, God. God, Tim you're so naïve. They didn't knock on the stone doors in those days. Apparently what they used to do was they just, no this is true, they used to just pop round to the kitchen window at the side, lean in and go, "Woohoo! It's only me, woohoo!"]

⁠[TIM Spoken: "Woohoo! It's the mother of God! Your bush is on fire!]

⁠[PAUL Spoken: There's Joseph, right? Working away with the fucking plane. Suddenly, one day out of the fucking, "surprise, surprise!" blue there's this knock at the front door, knock knock]

⁠[TIM Spoken: Knock knock... c'mon, knock knock]

⁠[RICHARD & AUDIENCE Spoken: Who's there?]

⁠[TIM Spoken: Mary]

⁠[RICHARD & AUDIENCE Spoken: Mary, who?]

⁠[TIM Spoken: Mary me or the child will be a bastard! I made that up just then with my mind. My mind did that. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, d⁠— Oh, nothing]

⁠[PAUL Spoken: There's Joseph⁠—]

⁠[TIM Spoken: Sorry, sorry, sorry can I just interrupt for a second? Thank you]

⁠[PAUL Spoken: There's Joseph, working away with the fucking plane. Started off on a fucking hunk of redwood when this sketch started 25 fucking minutes ago. He's whittled it down to a matchstick]

⁠[TIM Spoken: That's why Joseph was a poor carpenter. 'Cause⁠— Ah! Ah!]

⁠⁠[PAUL Spoken: There's Joseph. Working away with the plane. Suddenly, one day out of the fucking, "surprise, surprise" blue there's this knock at the front door. Knock! And in comes Mary]

⁠[RICHARD Spoken: Ha! I won]

⁠[PAUL Spoken: There's Joseph, working away with the fucking plane. One day out of the fucking, "surprise, surprise" blue there's this knock at the front door. And in comes Mary, "Hi, Mary". She says, "How are you?"
"Well to be completely honest with you Mar, I'm a bit fucking tense... What about yourself Mar? Anything new happen to you today?
"Oh nuh. Oh yeah, there was one thing Joe"
"What's that Mar?"
"Aw, I'm pregnant Joe"
"Oh right. Well, how did that happen Mary?"
"Oh, you know, I was just sitting around at Mums place having a cup of tea and some Madeira cake, talking about what a lovely festival it was this year. And suddenly this bird comes down from heaven. Flap, flap, flap, flap, flap! Five minutes later, fucking pregnant. You know, Joe, shit happens."
"Aw right, so you're pregnant Mar? We're gonna have a kid... Jesus what are we gonna call him?" Aw, It's a joke Christians. Okay it's a fucking joke]

[TIM Spoken: So what did they call the baby?]