I Hate The French

Allons enfants de la Patrie
Le jour de gloire est mon coeur
Faster!

I like to walk (He likes to walk)
Along the Rue de Saint-Lazare
Where man can live
And love without a care
I fill my lungs
With air that's fresh and clear
Then I like to walk
Along the Rue de Saint-Lazare

I like to stroll (He likes to stroll)
Along the Centre Pompidou
Le tour Eiffel (the Eiffel Tower)
Comes sweeping into view
Where mademoiselles (Lovely ladies)
All say "Bonjour monsieur
I'd like to walk with you
Along the côtés de jour"

I love the French (Bastards!)
Even though they're arrogant
They laugh out loud
When you order a croissant
They come over here
And for this we won't forgive 'em
First they steal our jobs
And then they steal our women

[PAUL Spoken: And our Shetland ponies]

[TIM Spoken: Some examples of French humour for you: A friend of mine came over this morning, I said, "Have a sit, Ron.", A seat, Ron. Sit, Ron. Citron]

[PAUL Spoken: Oh, fuck you. So precious]

[TIM Spoken: Sounds better in French. Um, with all the French nuclear testing happening in the South Pacific right now, pretty soon it will be so hot there that people will be wearing no bikini at all. Bikini Atoll?]

[PAUL Spoken: Fuck you, we've got the money]

[TIM Spoken: Works in German. Um, um, um, um... How many Frenchmen does it take to change a light bulb? Who gives a fuck? I hope they all die of cancer for being so fucking arrogant. Little bit of healthy racism there. And, um... Why did the Frenchman cross the road? Who gives a shit? I hope they all die of brain aneurysms because the last time I ordered a cup of coffee in Paris they treated me like shit. French humour]

The Germans are lovely, Tim
But they're always starting wars
The English are fine, Paul
Yeah but Rich, they're miserable bores
The Dutch are Dutch
And I believe that says it all
The Swiss like bank accounts
And having all their cash on call
The Greeks, I like
But they give me this nasty rash
Swedes sounds like stewed vegetable mash
The Portuguese
All pluck the hair behind their knees
The Italians are weird because
They've got gigantic heads

[RICHARD Spoken: What? What?]

[TIM Spoken: All Italians without exception have heads roughly this large]

[RICHARD Spoken: That's bullshit mate, that's racist, that's bullshit]

[TIM Spoken: Go back to university, Richard]

[PAUL Spoken: It's fucking true, Richard. When was the last time you saw an Italian wearing a hat? They gotta have fucking big heads like that, its one of those Darwinian things, gotta have fucking big heads so they can win the soccer. And, and if they had weenie heads like the rest of us, right? If the Italians had small weenie heads like the rest of us, right? Then their big Italian eyeballs would hang off the sides of their heads and on particularly hot days the sun would turn the whites of their eyes into a molten lava which would drip down their cheeks and form little eyeball puddles in the sand]

[TIM Spoken: That's right, are there any people here this evening of Italian descent? Just put your hand up there]

[PAUL Spoken: Put your hand up if you're Italian]

[TIM Spoken: Put your hand up there, just identify yourselves]

[RICHARD Spoken: Baaahh!]

[TIM Spoken: Fucking hell! Look at the size of your head! Would you mind moving towards the back please, Madam? There are people trying to see behind you. Where are all the other Italians in Edinburgh? Eh, where are they with their good looks and brightly coloured backpacks? They're all at home lying in their hotel rooms trying to get up. "I'm not Italian. I'm a human being!" Bullshit! You're Italian]

I like to walk (The Germans are lovely)
Along the Rue de Saint-Lazare
Where man can live (But they're always starting wars)
And love without a care
I fill my lungs (The English are fine)
With air that's fresh and clear
Then I like to walk
Along the Rue de Saint-Lazare (He's nearly finished)

I really, really love the French (He's nearly finished)
I really, really love the French (He's nearly finished)
I really, really love the French (He's nearly finished)
I really, really love the French (He's nearly finished)
I really, really love the French (He's nearly finished)
I really, really love the French (He's nearly finished)
I really, really love the French (He's nearly finished)
I really, really love the French (He's nearly finished)
I really, really love the French (He's nearly finished)
I really, really love the French (He's nearly finished)
I really, really love the French (He's nearly finished)
I really, really love the French (He's nearly finished)
I really, really love the French (He's nearly finished)
I really, really love the French (He's nearly finished)
I really, really love the French (He's nearly finished)
I really, really love the French (He's nearly finished)
I really, really love the French (He's nearly finished) (What?)
I really, really love the French (He's nearly finished)
I really, really love the French (He's nearly finished)
I really, really love the French (He's nearly finished)
I really, really love the French (He's nearly finished)
I really, really love the French (He's nearly finished) (Asshole)
I really, really love the French (He's such an asshole)
I really, really love the French (He's such a shithead)
I really, really love the French (He's such a wanker)
Really, really love the French
He's nearly finished

[PAUL Spoken: Fuckin' deadshits. You said you weren't going to do any of that fuckin' shit tonight]

I said, I really
Lord, I really, really, really love
The French (Hurrah)
He's nearly finished

I said, I really, really love the French (He's nearly finished)
I wanna fuckin' love the French (He's nearly finished)
I said, I fuckin' love the French (He's nearly finished)
French fucker! French fuck! (He's nearly finished)
French fuck!

[PAUL Spoken: You French fuck! You French fuck! Fuck, fucker! French fuck! You French fuckin' French fucker French fuck! You fuckin' French. You! You, you fuckin' French fucker! You, you fuckin'... You fuck... You fuckin' French fucker. Y-You f⁠— You! Y-you fuckin French. You, you, you fuckin' French fucker! You, you fuckin', you fuck. You fuckin' French fucker. Y-You f—, you, you, you fuck, you, y-you, y-you. You fuckin you fuck, you French fucker. You fuckin' French fuck. You, you, you... Ah, you French. You're a fuckin' French fuckin'. Yeah. Fuckin' French... Sorry about that, uh. Just for a second there I thought I was at a Christian revivalist meeting]

I said, I really
Lord, I really, really, really love
The French

⁠[TIM Spoken: He's finished! And so are we. We're the Doug Anthony Allstars! Good night, Britain!]