Terminal Illness

[EVAN, spoken]
Archie, I have major news!

[ARCHIE, spoken]
They're making a Spice Girl musical?

[EVAN, spoken]
No. Well, yes. But no

(sung)
I have a plan
I have a plan
So you and Kendra can go out on Friday night!

[ARCHIE]
Oh my God!

[EVAN]
I need your help, though, so stay calm
You need to go talk to my Mom
And it'll all come true
Because…

No one says "no" to a boy with a terminal illness
Take it from me, it's a sure guarantee of success
Listen, I'm not making fun of your terminal illness
But you hold the secret to getting my mom to say "yes"

So talk to my mom, and get her to buy
The tickets we need to obtain
Brett gets his movie, I get the credit
And you get your date, so who would complain?
Except for you, because you're dying, but

No one says "no" to a boy with a terminal illness!
Who could refuse when you shuffle your shoes
And say "Please!"?
Use all the tricks that you learned in your cradle
You don't need to lay it on thick with a ladle
'Cause no one says "no" to a kid with a fatal disease!

[ARCHIE, spoken]
I can do this!

[EVAN, spoken]
I know you can

(sung)
La la la la la la la la la la la la la la…

[ARCHIE, spoken]
Mrs Goldman, I hate to bother you but I was strolling through the neighbourhood…

[EVAN]
La la la la la la la la la la la la la…

[ARCHIE, spoken]
…which wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't my birthday on Friday, but the insurance…

[EVAN]
La la la la la la la la la la la la la la…

[ARCHIE, spoken]
…I can pay you for the tickets if I don't buy my medicine next month…

[EVAN]
La la la la la la la la la la la la la!

[ARCHIE, spoken]
…and you know, I've always felt a kinship with the Jewish people!

[EVAN]
Out of the blue, a thought comes to you
Like sun coming out from the rain
And after the stress, my mother says-

[ARCHIE, spoken]
Yes!

[EVAN, spoken]
Yes!

[EVAN & ARCHIE]
We're all set for Friday, so who could complain?

[ARCHIE]
Except for you, because you're Jewish and you always complain

[EVAN]
It's true, but-

[EVAN & ARCHIE]
No one says "no" to a boy with a terminal illness!
Ask for a day at the mall or a trip to Belize!
Nothing's too hard and no quest unendurable
Long as you're sure you're completely incurable!
No one says "no" to a boy
With a fatal disease!

[BRETT]
All Hail The Brain!

[KIDS]
All Hail the Brain!

[BRETT]
I never thought he'd take the bait!
This is great!
Evan Goldman!

[KIDS]
Evan Goldman!
All Hail the Brain!

[EVAN]
I did what no one else could do!
Tell me, who
Could complain?

[BRETT]
All Hail the Brain!

[KIDS]
All Hail the Brain!

[EVAN]
All Hail the Brain!

[ALL]
All Hail the Brain!