Stardrek

[Star Trek theme music begins]

SPAAAAACE - The Final Frontier. These are the voyages of the Starship *BOOBYPRIZE*. Its five year mission - to sell T-shirts, toy phasers, plastic communicators, and anything else we can think of. To seek out new life in old plots and complications. To boldly go where EVERYONE HAS GONE BEFORE!

[Music surge]
S T A R D R E K !

JERK: Captain's log, stardate 6935.2. We are in orbit around the planet Shwartz

SNOTT: Engineering to Captain Jerk! Engineering to Captain Jerk!!

JERK: Jerk here, what is it Snotty?

SNOTT: Captain, the warp drive mechanisms are generating excess
Antimatter. The pods are overloadin' now, if it continues at this rate, I canna be responsible for the safety of the ship!

JERK: Don't have a spaz, Snotty

SNOTT: Ach, but the whole ship's gonna blow itself to pieces, Jim!

JERK: I WANT ANSWERS, MISTER!

SNOTT: Well, I tried shovin' a wiener in the warp drive, but it dinna
Do a bit of good. By the by, would ya have a wee bit of mustard up on the bridge?

JERK: Mr. Schlock?

SCHLOCK: No mustard, Captain

JERK: Analysis, Schlock?

SCHLOCK: It would appear that Lieutenant Snott is about to eat a wiener without mustard

JERK: As always, your logic is impeccable, Mr. Schlock. However, I was referring to the emergency in the ship's warp drive

SCHLOCK: I would say that the program is at too early a stage to permit solving any serious difficulties, Jim

JERK: Recommendation?

SCHLOCK: Suggest you wait for further plot complication before undertaking corrective measures

JERK: Logical, Mr. Schlock. Perfectly logical. Dr. McCoy?

McCOY: I'M A DOCTOR, NOT A SCRIPTWRITER!

COMPUTER: WARNING! This is a plot complication!
WARNING! This is a plot complication!
WARNING! This is a plot complication!

SCHLOCK: Plot complication showing up on ship's sensors now, Captain. I am switching to visual...

JERK: What is it, Mr. Schlock?

SCHLOCK: Computer data coming in now, Captain. It's just what we need - a colossal negative space wedgie of great power coming right at us at warp speed

JERK: Uh, Mr. Lulu, commence evasive action!

LULU: Yesss, Captain Jerrrrrk

SCHLOCK: Evasive action ineffective, Captain. The wedgie is turning with us and closing rapidly. Estimated time of impact approximately 16.9 seconds. 15...

JERK: Bridge to Engineering!

SCHLOCK: 14... 13...

SNOTT: Snott here, Captain

SCHLOCK: 12... 11...

JERK: What's not there, Snotty?

SCHLOCK: 10... 9...

SNOTT: I said, SNOTT HERE, CAPTAIN!

SCHLOCK: 8... 7...

JERK: Snotty, give me full power! Get us out of here fast!

SCHLOCK: 6... 5...

SNOTT: Ach, I canna do it. The toilets have backed up into the warp drive! It will take time to make repairs!

SCHLOCK: 4... 3...

JERK: Time? Mr. Schlock?

SCHLOCK: 2... 1... WIPEOUT!

*C R A S H* *B O O M* *S P L A T*

SCHLOCK: Readings are off the scale, Captain! I have not encountered this phenomenon before

JERK: Damage report! Lieutenant Manura?

MANURA: I dunno, but I say we took a shellackin' out here!

SCHLOCK: Fascinating

JERK: What is it, Mr. Schlock?

SCHLOCK: The force seems to have passed though us, and entered the surface of the planet Shwartz. Yet, tricorder readings fail to indicate any such energy from the planet

JERK: Opinion, Mr. Schlock?

SCHLOCK: Insufficient data, Captain

JERK: Into the elevator, Mr. Schlock! Let's beam down to the planet's surface so I can find an alien to fall in love with before the program's over!

SCHLOCK: You usually do

JERK: Ain't I somethin'! Uh, Mr. Lulu, you've got the conn

LULU: Thaaaank yeew, Captain Jerkkkkkk!

[PFFFT! The door opens...]

JERK: Elevator, transporter room

ELEVATOR: I'm fine, how are you?

JERK: ELEVATOR, I SAID TRANSPORTER ROOM!

ELEVATOR: I'm fine, how are you?

JERK: Oh, forget it! Elevator to Engineering! Beam us down from here, Snotty!

SNOTT: Aye aye, Captain! You are locked on coordinates now

JERK: Energize, Mr. Snott

[Standard transporter noises, fade to city traffic noises in background]

SCHLOCK: Remarkable! There is no record of any such civilization as this on the planet Shwartz

JERK: Look, Schlock! Here comes a car... feast your Vulcan squinties on that driver!

[Car screeches to a stop]

SCHLOCK: Far out, Captain Jerk

GIRL: Want a lift, sailor?

JERK: As a matter of fact, I do. I'll say 'goodbye' here, Mr. Schlock
Now you will have what you always wanted - command of the BOOBYPRIZE!

SCHLOCK: And you will have what you always wanted...

JERK: What's that, Mr. Schlock?

SCHLOCK: A bleached blond in red convertible on planet Shwartz

JERK: Ain't I somethin'! Well, say 'bye-bye' to Starfleet command for me, and I will see you on 'Hollywood Squares'!

SCHLOCK: Bye-bye, Jim

[Sound of car driving off]

SCHLOCK: I thought he would never go

[Sound of communicator opening]

SCHLOCK: Schlock to BOOBYPRIZE!

SNOTT: Snott here, Mr. Schlock

SCHLOCK: What's not there, Lieutenant Snott?

SNOTT: I said, SNOTT HERE, MISTER SCHLOCK!

SCHLOCK: That's CAPTAIN Schlock

SNOTT: Aye?

SCHLOCK: Make it ONE to beam up!

[Music surge]