Laura, I Need Medicine

Got a crush on a girl
Named Donna Pinciotti
And I wanna take her home
And play a badass game of Yahtzee
Her real name is Laura
And I just want another chance
To not make so much noise
Next time I'm goin' through her trash
I'd make her a bowl of soup
Just to hear the girl say thanks
I'd bet fifteen million dollars
That she shags like a Minx
But I'm just a normal guy
So I'll never get the chance
To undo her polyester blouse
And get into those seventies pants

Oh, Laura I need medicine
Laura be my Vicodin
Laura you're my Demerol
I wanna wash you down with alcohol
Laura bе my Nembutal
Laura you're my Tuinal
Laura is my bag of reds
Oh, Laura is my favoritе redhead

I'm not obsessed
But I just got a tattoo
Of your name across my bicep
And if you don't have minty breath
I would get you a pack of Trident
We could dress up like Kiss
I wouldn't mind doin' your make-up
Or we could talk about Eric
And all the things that caused your break-up
And I even loved you
In that stupid GAP commercial
And if for a second
You might allow me to get personal
I kept a used tube of lipstick
You once threw away
And now I'm gonna clone ya'
Using your lips' DNA

Oh, Laura I need medicine
Laura be my Vicodin
Laura you're my Demerol
I wanna wash you down with alcohol
Laura be my Nembutal
Laura you're my Tuinal
Laura is my bag of reds
Oh, Laura is my favorite redhead

I used to have another celebrity crush
She went by the name of Drew Berrymore
You might have heard of her before
She was in a lot of bad nineties movies
But one day that crush faded
I fell asleep in San Diego
And I awoke
After having a horrible, horrible dream
About her
Shaving off my pubic hairs
While humming the
Tune to some obscure Smashing Pumpkins b-side
Named “Slunk”
Oh, it freaked me out
But I got over it really quick
And I was down in the dumps for months, though
What brought me back?
Laura Prepon
Now the skies are sunny
And we all have more traditional family values
My life would be nothing without you, Laura
Laura...
I need medicine

And a question crossed my mind
While I watched your rerun tapes
I just gotta know
Does the carpet match the drapes?
Laura I need medicine
Laura be my Vicodin
Laura you're my Demerol
I wanna wash you down with alcohol
Laura be my Nembutal
Laura you're my Tuinal
Laura is my bag of reds
Oh, Laura let me give you head