It Never Leaves

I woke up at 6:00 AM
I thought I saw you
In the corner of my room

Took me a while to realize
That you weren’t really there
My mind thinks you’ll come back
And I’d better be prepared
Putting a foot on the floor
I haven’t cleaned my room
Layers of trash and mold
I can hardly walk
Poured water in a kettle
Antidepressants and alcohol
Instant coffee and diet coke
All mixed up in my blood

What is left of me
If you already gnawed my soul?
I wish I could have talked to that kid
Who was so insecure
And tell him
“You don’t deserve this”

I try my best to pass the time
I try to write but nothing comes out
And when it does in any way
It’s in phrases that don’t make sense
I keep reading everywhere
That this pain will never leave
She’s here and here to stay
She’s now a part of me

I can hardly step outside
I keep seeing you in the corner of my eye
You’ve got all the keys to ruin my life
But why the fuck would you do that ?
You’ve stolen my confidence
You’ve stolen my innocence
I like to think you did it by accident

What is left of me
If you already gnawed my soul?
I wish I could have talked to that kid
Who was so insecure
And tell him
“You don’t deserve this”

I took a train and looked at the stops
And I saw the city you lived in
My vision tunneled, I lost my breath
A trimester of pain flashed back
Unbearable spasms of anguish are now routine
Panic attacks are happening daily
Alone on a mattress twitching in pain
Waiting for the breakdown to end
An hour dissociating in the shower
Trying to wash away the taste
Trying to wash away the scent
Of your cyprine still plastered in my mouth
Of your saliva stuck inside my throat
Trying to rip my skin off again
’cause I can still feel your hands
Grappling on my neck
And I scratch my skin
Again and again
But it won’t come off

What is left of me
If you already gnawed my soul?
I wish I could have talked to that kid
Who was so insecure
And tell him

Becca told me that it gets better
That the wound will seal after some time
But every time it seems over
It comes back and puts me down
Do You still talk to some of my friends?
And poison them with twisted claims?
Do you still tell them I’m a liar?
Did you really ever change

Sometimes I make noises
To silence the thoughts
I keep making excuses
So I hardly ever leave my home
You can keep denying it was rape
You can phrase it in other ways
In the end it’s still the same
You stole my innocence
When I walk down the avenue
Suddenly everyone looks like you
I collapse in the middle of the street
And choke in my own tears

I know you left a shirt at my place
And I can’t even touch it
Becca wanted to set it ablaze
And I liked the idea
But I know it doesn’t make sense
’cause you’ll come back anyway
Either a thought or a pointless object
You never leave completely

Now, is the pain gonna leave?
I don’t know, we will see
Will I still have nightmares in 10 years?
I try my best not to care
I’d rather live with the trauma
Than die with it unresolved
I’ll pick myself up and clean my room
And find a way without you

I’ll find a way out
I’ll find a way out
I’ll find a way out

I’m gonna try to move on
And call the ones I love
And if I have to listen to my own words
To convince myself
I’ll do it again and again
I know it’ll take time
But it’ll leave after a while
I’ll find a way out
A way out your hands