I Used To Hate That Life

I have flashbacks every single time I close my eyes
I don't think I want to close them anymore
I can think of a sure-fire way to stop them, but I don't have the guts
I hope I'll never ever have the guts
I don't want to live a life of "I've been worse before'”s anymore
I'm losing days left, right and centre
I just want a pair of eyes to get lost in
And then a rectangular box to rest in
And a room with a view at the hospital somewhere in between

But the past is still haunting my dreams

I remember thinking everything would be fine
Then next thing I knew I was coughing up my stomach lining
In a homeless unit at the top of high rise flats
I was too embarrassed to let Holly come see me
I remember my dad telling me I looked like a junkie
To be fair to him back then he wasn't too far off

On a regular basis I seem to find that things I thought I'd left behind
Still stop me from getting out of bed in the morning
And keep me lying here until the sunlight disappears
Then all that's left for me to do is start counting
Every single spring that digs into my spine and ribs
Until I give up because I'm too exhausted
Then turn the TV on, set the volume to 6 then turn and face the wall
And pretend that none of this bothers me at all

I have flashbacks every time I look into your eyes
So I don't think I'm going to do that anymore