December Ruined Everything

I haven't felt this low in a long time
I haven't seen sunlight for 5 days
And now the inside of my mouth is a mess
Just like the inside of my head
I know I shouldn't have dropped by tonight
But I just didn't know who else I could talk to
And December never seems to listen
When I kindly ask for it to leave
All of this uncertainty and these unfinished bus rides
Are breaking me like you wouldn't believe

So I just sit here grinding my teeth
And think about that beautiful smile that's stuck in my head, I know she doesn't exist
All she ever seems to want to do is talk to me at great length about our dead parents
So I get up, get out and start walking
And try to think of ways to make winter go
And as I slipped and fell on black ice, I felt no urgency to get back up
Sometimes it just doesn’t pay to get up
Just like most mornings
Lay awake and think about the past
A stairwell full of dirty needles and broken glass
Nights spent on cold wooden floors scratching scabies
7 years on, fingers still crossed, hoping that maybe

Someday I'll sober up, and I won't be a joke
And I'll stop smoking half your cigarette before realizing I don't smoke
And I'll stop giving in to vices when I feel like life's a lost cause
And I'll stop going to bed with a splitting headache then waking up with a sore jaw
And I'll appreciate the small amount of time that you decided to spend with me
Instead of learning to hate you so that I can get this over with quickly
And I'll stop checking for bad news about planes flying out of Scotland
In case they've crashed into the ocean with my family members on them

But until that day, I know I'll always be
Your pair of broken headphones on your loneliest ride home
And you'll always be that song about a fresh start
For which I can't seem to write the ending