I Know What’s Best for Everyone

Your first boyfriend or girlfriend
Should be your mate for life
Your first job is the one you should keep
Until the day you die
Your permanent record
Will follow you for good
It's a sin to masturbate
And don't play with your food

Don't you play in traffic
Or get close to the street
Don't you count your chickens
Before you've heard them say tweet
Be aware of any gift horse
And don't look him in the beak
You can lead it to water
But you can't make him drink

Don't let your teenage concubines
Lead you all adrift
Would you follow them
If they all jumped off of a cliff?
Don't talk with your mouth full
Don't swim after you eat
I know what's best for everyone
But not what's best for me

Don't make mistakes of your own
Are you gonna spend your teenage years
On that cellular phone?
Oh no

Don't drink from the garden
Put it in a cup
The first time you have intercourse
Somebody's gonna get knocked up
And if you'll have gonnorhea
And a case of genital warts
Then besides, half of today's marriages
End up in divorce

Don't let your teenage concubines
Lead you all adrift
Would you follow them
If they all jumped off of a cliff?
Don't talk with your mouth full
Don't swim after you eat
I know what's best for everyone
But not what's best for me