How to Recognise a Witch

[Birgit]
I was skipping down the lane
Not a care in the world
When a nice-seeming lady
Said "hello little girl"

She gave me a lolly
And I gave it a suck
Then she gave her head a scratch
And that’s when I started to cluck

[Gran]
Feathers started popping out
From under her skin
Scales grew over her legs
Now poor Birgit's a chicken
But you ought to taste her eggs!

[Gran & Kids]
Witches want to squiggle you
So you better learn the telltale signs
Wigs, gloves, pinchity shoes
Don't they send a shiver down your spine?
Cuz anyone you meet
And anyone you see
They just might be a witch
And witches want to get you!

[Luke, spoken]
This is such a weird joke
[Gran, spoken]
This is just the tip of the iceberg! Meet Leif Gundersun!

[Leif]
I was walking down the beach
On a hot summer’s day
When a nice-seeming lady
Said "hello, wanna play?"

I said "That sounds fun
Do you know how to fish?"
Then the lady smoothed her gloves
And that's when I started to squish

[Gran]
Arms became flippers
Legs became flukes
And a fin started to sprout
And now poor Leif’s a porpoise
But it blows a lovely spout

[Leif]
[Porpoise sound]!

[Gran & Kids]
Witches want to squiggle you
So you better learn the telltale signs
Wigs, gloves, pinchity shoes
Don't they send a shiver down your spine?
Cuz anyone you meet
And anyone you see
They just might be a witch
And witches want to get you!

[Gran, spoken]
There are children here who've been turned into pheasants, fleas, slugs – even hot dogs
[Hotdog Kid, spoken]
Howdy!
[Luke, spoken]
Hot dogs?!
[Gran, spoken]
Oh yes, to trick Americans into eating their own children. But I have saved the worst for last. Just look at poor Solveg Christiansen:

[Solveg]
I was sitting on my porch
Eating pineapple tart
When a nice-seeming lady
With a big piece of art

Walked up kind of funny
Like her shoes didn't fit
She looked into my eyes...
And reality began to split

[Gran]
Parents came home
Their little girl is gone
Mama is close to fainting
Then Papa looks up
On the bedroom wall
Sees their little girl
In a painting

Trapped in a frame
Perfectly flat
Solveg doesn't breathe or eat
Still alive
But frozen
Without a heartbeat
[Gran, spoken]
All together now!

[Gran & Kids]
Witches want to squiggle you
So you better learn the telltale signs
Wigs, gloves, pinchity shoes
Don't they send a shiver down your spine?
Cuz anyone you meet
And anyone you see
They just might be a witch
And witches want to get you!
They're all around us
Anywhere you go
You never know
It might be your teacher
Or the bus driver
Or the nice usher with the bright eyes
Who took your ticket to the theatre
Or it could just be that random lady
Sitting in front of you right now
We’re not saying she's a witch
But she might be
It’s not impossible
The world's a hard and scary place
And a real witch never gets caught
She can make tongues of flame
Flicker across the surface of the water
It’s very frightening
So look out
For the wigs
And the gloves
And the pinchity shoes
It just might save you
From getting squelched
Squiggled
Frizzled
Fried
Or worse
Seriously
Like we really really
Really really really really mean it
No joke
Look out
Cuz witches want to get you