A Note about Witches

[Witches]
We work ordinary jobs
Live in ordinary houses
Scrubbing ordinary hobs
Wearing ordinary blouses
Smiling sweetly and discreetly
Walking neatly and petitely
Not important
Not commanding
Just polite and understanding

We recycle, we make pie
We do yoga and Pilates
And we run the bring and buy
And do the washing up at parties
Going out for cappuccino
Or a naughty glass of Pinot
Forgettable
Disposable
Never too emotional
Don’t mind us
Don’t make a fuss

Everybody knows what a witch looks like
(Silly black hats, silly black cats)
Which looks not like we look like
(Broom and cloak, warts and smoke)
Everybody knows what a witch looks like
Which looks not like we look like
So when we little ladies strike
You look the other way
Hot liquid evil in a candy-coloured shell
We are not women
We are Hell

And there’s one thing that we hate
With a red-hot sizzling hatred
That is more sizzling and red-hot than any hatred you can possibly imagine
Children
Awful children
Stinking children
Ugh, just like dogs' droppings!
Children smell!
Children reek!
Like a sewer!
Like manure!
Rancid!
Wretched!
Sour!
Skunky!
Filthy!
Foul!
Fetid!
Funky!
Every little thing about you is putrid and disgusting!
Baby noises
Tiny hands
Toys and nappies
Poo and prams

[Melanie, spoken]
Which is why all witches have a motto:
[Witches]
One child a week is fifty two a year
Squish them and squiggle them
And make them disappear!
One child a week is fifty two a year
Squish them and squiggle them
And make them disappear!

Hye! Hye! Hye! Hye!
Hye! Hye! Hye! Hye!
Hye! Hye! Hye! Hye!

Everybody knows what a witch looks like
(Silly black hats, silly black cats)
Which looks not like we look like
(Broom and cloak, warts and smoke)
Everybody knows what a witch looks like
Which looks not like we look like
So when we little ladies strike
You look the other way
Hot liquid evil in a candy-coloured shell
We are not women
We are Hell

And when a child disappears
Who do you think gets the blame?
Not we ordinary ladies
We’ve learned to play the game
And we filled your head with stories
Of cauldrons, cats and frogs
Not cozy cashmere cardies
From the Boden catalogue
Just a nudge to Mr. Shakespeare
Some hints to Brothers Grimm
In Salem we made scapegoats
And you
Tore them limb from limb
[Phyllis, spoken]
Let go of me! I’m not a witch! I just like being single! They’re the real witches, over there!

[Witches]
And young girls cry "Expelliarmus!"
And young women buy their crystals
Hapless humans pull the spotlight
From the real smoking pistols
Go run and tell your parents
They’re never ever believe you
However much you holler it
They’ll still ask us to babysit
The greatest trick the devil ever pulled
Was learning how to knit

Everybody knows what a witch looks like
Which looks not like we look like
So when we dear little ladies strike
You look the other way
Everybody knows what a witch looks like
Which looks not like we look like
So when we dear little ladies strike
You look the other way
Everybody knows what a witch looks like
Which looks not like we look like
So when we dear little ladies strike
You look the other way
Hot liquid evil in a candy-coloured shell
We are not women
We are Hell!
Hell!
Hell! Hell! Hell! Hell!
Hell! Hell! Hell! Hell!
Hell! Hell! Hell! Hell!
Hell!