Every Man out of His Humour Act 5. Scene 1

THE PALACE STAIRS.

ENTER PUNTARVOLO, WITH HIS DOG, FOLLOWED BY FASTIDIOUS
BRISK AND FUNGOSO.

Punt.
Come, gentles, Signior, you are sufficiently instructed.

Fast.
Who, I, sir?

Punt.
No, this gentleman. But stay, I take thought how to bestow my dog;
he is no competent attendant for the presence.

Fast.
Mass, that's true, indeed, knight; you must not carry him into the
presence.

Punt.
I know it, and I, like a dull beast, forgot to bring one of my
cormorants to attend me.

Fast.
Why, you were best leave him at the porter's lodge.

Punt.
Not so; his worth is too well known amongst them, to be forth-coming.

Fast.
'Slight, how will you do then?

Punt.
I must leave him with one that is ignorant of his quality, if I will
have him to be safe. And see! here comes one that will carry coals, ergo, will hold my dog.
ENTER A GROOM, WITH A BASKET.
My honest friend, may I commit the tuition of this dog to thy prudent care?

Groom.
You may, if you please, sir.

Punt.
Pray thee let me find thee here at my return; it shall not be long,
till I will ease thee of thy employment, and please thee. Forth, gentles.

Fast.
Why, but will you leave him with so slight command, and infuse no
more charge upon the fellow?

Punt.
Charge! no; there were no policy in that; that were to let him know
the value of the gem he holds, and so to tempt frail nature against her disposition. No, pray thee let thy honesty be sweet, as it shall be short.

Groom.
Yes, sir.

Punt.
But hark you, gallants, and chiefly monsieur Brisk: when we come in eye-shot, or presence of this lady, let not other matters carry us from our project; but, if we can, single her forth to some place —

Fast.
I warrant you.

Punt.
And be not too sudden, but let the device induce itself with good
circumstance. On.

Fung.
Is this the way? good truth, here be fine hangings.

[EXEUNT PUNT., FAST., AND FUNGOSO.

Groom.
Honesty! sweet, and short! Marry, it shall, sir, doubt you not;
for even at this instant if one would give me twenty pounds, I would not deliver him; there's for the sweet: but now, if any man come offer me but two-pence, he shall have him; there's for the short now. 'Slid, what a mad humorous gentleman is this to leave his dog with me! I could run away with him now, an he were worth any thing.

ENTER MACILENTE AND SOGLIARDO.

Maci.
Come on, signior, now prepare to court this all-witted lady, most
naturally, and like yourself.

Sog.
Faith, an you say the word, I'll begin to her in tobacco.

Maci.
O, fie on't! no; you shall begin with, "How does my sweet lady",
or, "Why are you so melancholy, madam?" though she be very merry, it's all one. Be sure to kiss your hand often enough; pray for her health, and tell her, how "More than most fair she is". Screw your face at one side thus, and protest: let her fleer, and look askance, and hide her teeth with her fan, when she laughs a fit, to bring her into more matter, that's nothing:
you must talk forward, (though it be without sense, so it be without blushing,) 'tis most court-like and well.

Sog.
But shall I not use tobacco at all?

Maci.
O, by no means; 'twill but make your breath suspected, and that you use it only to confound the rankness of that.

Sog.
Nay, I'll be advised, sir, by my friends.

Maci.
Od's my life, see where sir Puntarvolo's dog is.

Groom.
I would the gentleman would return for his follower here, I'll
leave him to his fortunes else.

Maci.
'Twere the only true jest in the world to poison him now; ha! by
this hand I'll do it, if I could but get him of the fellow. [ASIDE.]
Signior Sogliardo, walk aside, and think upon some device to entertain the lady with.

Sog.
So I do, sir.

[WALKS OFF IN A MEDITATING POSTURE.

Maci.
How now, mine honest friend! whose dog-keeper art thou?

Groom.
Dog-keeper, sir! I hope I scorn that, i'faith.

Maci.
Why, dost thou not keep a dog?

Groom.
Sir, now I do, and now I do not: [THROWS OFF THE DOG.] I think this be sweet and short. Make me his dog-keeper!

[EXIT.

Maci.
This is excellent, above expectation! nay, stay, sir;
[SEIZING THE DOG.] you'd be travelling; but I'll give you a dram shall shorten your voyage, here. [GIVES HIM POISON.] So, sir, I'll be bold to take my leave of you. Now to the Turk's court in the devil's name, for you shall never go o' God's name. [KICKS HIM OUT.] — Sogliardo, come.

Sog.
I have it i'faith now, will sting it.

Maci.
Take heed you leese it not signior, ere you come there; preserve it.

[EXEUNT.

Cor.
How like you this first exploit of his?

Mit.
O, a piece of true envy; but I expect the issue of the other device.

Cor.
Here they come will make it appear.