Every Man out of His Humour Act 4. Scene 4

PUNTARVOLO'S LODGINGS.

ENTER PUNTARVOLO, NOTARY, AND SERVANTS WITH THE DOG AND CAT.

Punt.
I wonder monsieur Fastidious comes not! But, notary, if thou please
to draw the indentures the while, I will give thee thy instructions.

Not.
With all my heart, sir; and I'll fall in hand with them presently.

Punt.
Well then, first the sum is to be understood.

Not.
[WRITES.] Good, sir.

Punt.
Next, our several appellations, and character of my dog and cat,
must be known. Shew him the cat, sirrah.

Not.
So, sir.

Punt.
Then, that the intended bound is the Turk's court in Constantinople; the time limited for our return, a year; and that if either of us miscarry, the whole venture is lost. These are general, conceiv'st thou? or if either of us turn Turk.

Not.
Ay, sir.

Punt.
Now, for particulars: that I may make my travels by sea or land, to
my best liking; and that hiring a coach for myself, it shall be lawful for my dog or cat, or both, to ride with me in the said coach.

Not.
Very good, sir.

Punt.
That I may choose to give my dog or cat, fish, for fear of bones; or
any other nutriment that, by the judgment of the most authentical
physicians where I travel, shall be thought dangerous.

Not.
Well, sir.

Punt.
That, after the receipt of his money, he shall neither, in his own
person, nor any other, either by direct or indirect means, as magic,
witchcraft, or other such exotic arts, attempt, practise, or complot any thing to the prejudice of me, my dog, or my cat: neither shall I use the help of any such sorceries or enchantments, as unctions to make our skins impenetrable, or to travel invisible by virtue of a powder, or a ring, or to hang any three-forked charm about my dog's neck, secretly conveyed into his collar; (understand you?) but that all be performed sincerely, without fraud or imposture.

Not.
So, sir.

Punt.
That, for testimony of the performance, myself am to bring thence a Turk's mustachio, my dog a Grecian hare's lips, and my cat the train or tail of a Thracian rat.

Not.
[WRITES.] 'Tis done, sir.

Punt.
'Tis said, sir; not done, sir. But forward; that, upon my return,
and landing on the Tower-wharf, with the aforesaid testimony, I am to receive five for one, according to the proportion of the sums put forth.

Not.
Well, sir.

Punt.
Provided, that if before our departure, or setting forth, either
myself or these be visited with sickness, or any other casual event, so that the whole course of the adventure be hindered thereby, that then he is to return, and I am to receive the prenominated proportion upon fair and equal terms.

Not.
Very good, sir; is this all?

Punt.
It is all, sir; and dispatch them, good notary.

Not.
As fast as is possible, sir.

[EXIT.

ENTER CARLO.

Punt.
O Carlo! welcome: saw you monsieur Brisk?

Car.
Not I: did he appoint you to meet here?

Punt.
Ay, and I muse he should be so tardy; he is to take an hundred
pounds of me in venture, if he maintain his promise.

Car.
Is his hour past?

Punt.
Not yet, but it comes on apace.

Car.
Tut, be not jealous of him; he will sooner break all the
commandments, than his hour; upon my life, in such a case trust him.

Punt.
Methinks, Carlo, you look very smooth, ha!

Car.
Why, I came but now from a hot-house; I must needs look smooth.

Punt.
From a hot-house!

Car.
Ay, do you make a wonder on't? why, it is your only physic. Let a
man sweat once a week in a hot-house, and be well rubb'd, and froted, with a good plump juicy wench, and sweet linen, he shall ne'er have the pox.

Punt.
What, the French pox?

Car.
The French pox! out pox: we have them in as good a form as they,
man; what?

Punt.
Let me perish, but thou art a salt one! was your new-created
gallant there with you, Sogliardo?

Car.
O porpoise! hang him, no: he's a leiger at Horn's ordinary, yonder;
his villainous Ganymede and he have been droning a tobacco-pipe there ever since yesterday noon.

Punt.
Who? signior Tripartite, that would give my dog the whiffe?

Car.
Ay, he. They have hired a chamber and all, private, to practise in,
for the making of the patoun, the receipt reciprocal, and a number of other mysteries not yet extant. I brought some dozen or twenty gallants this morning to view them, as you'd do a piece of perspective, in at a key-hole; and there we might see Sogliardo sit in a chair, holding his snout up like a sow under an apple-tree, while the other open'd his nostrils with a poking-stick, to give the smoke a more free delivery. They had spit some three or fourscore ounces between 'em, afore we came away.

Punt.
How! spit three or fourscore ounces?

Car.
Ay, and preserv'd it in porrengers, as a barber does his blood, when
he opens a vein.

Punt.
Out, pagan! how dost thou open the vein of thy friend?

Car.
Friend! is there any such foolish thing in the world, ha? 'slid I
never relished it yet.

Punt.
Thy humour is the more dangerous.

Car.
No, not a whit, signior. Tut, a man must keep time in all; I can oil
my tongue when I meet him next, and look with a good sleek forehead; 'twill take away all soil of suspicion, and that's enough: what Lynceus can see my heart? Pish, the title of a friend! it's a vain, idle thing, only venerable among fools; you shall not have one that has any opinion of wit affect it.

ENTER DELIRO AND MACILENTE.

Deli.
Save you, good sir Puntarvolo.

Punt.
Signior Deliro! welcome.

Deli.
Pray you, sir, did you see master Fastidious Brisk? I heard he was
to meet your worship here.

Punt.
You heard no figment, sir; I do expect him at every pulse of my watch.

Deli.
In good time, sir.

Car.
There's a fellow now looks like one of the patricians of Sparta;
marry, his wit's after ten i' the hundred: a good bloodhound, a
close-mouthed dog, he follows the scent well; marry, he's at fault now, methinks.

Punt.
I should wonder at that creature is free from the danger of thy tongue.

Car.
O, I cannot abide these limbs of satin, or rather Satan indeed, that
will walk, like the children of darkness, all day in a melancholy shop, with their pockets full of blanks, ready to swallow up as many poor unthrifts as come within the verge.

Punt.
So! and what hast thou for him that is with him, now?

Car.
O, d—n me! immortality! I'll not meddle with him; the pure element
of fire, all spirit, extraction.

Punt.
How, Carlo! ha, what is he, man?

Car.
A scholar, Macilente; do you not know him? a rank, raw-boned
anatomy, he walks up and down like a charged musket, no man dares encounter him: that's his rest there.

Punt.
His rest! why, has he a forked head?

Car.
Pardon me, that's to be suspended; you are too quick, too apprehensive.

Deli.
Troth, now I think on't, I'll defer it till some other time.

Maci.
Not by any means, signior, you shall not lose this opportunity, he
will be here presently now.

Deli.
Yes, faith, Macilente, 'tis best. For, look you, sir, I shall so
exceedingly offend my wife in't, that —

Maci.
Your wife! now for shame lose these thoughts, and become the master of your own spirits. Should I, if I had a wife, suffer myself to be thus passionately carried to and fro with the stream of her humour, and neglect my deepest affairs, to serve her affections? 'Slight, I would geld myself first.

Deli.
O, but signior, had you such a wife as mine is, you would —

Maci.
Such a wife! Now hate me, sir, if ever I discern'd any wonder in
your wife yet, with all the speculation I have: I have seen some that have been thought fairer than she, in my time; and I have seen those, have not been altogether so tall, esteem'd properer women; and I have seen less noses grow upon sweeter faces, that have done very well too, in my judgment. But in good faith, signior, for all this, the gentlewoman is a good, pretty, proud, hard-favour'd thing, marry not so peerlessly to be doted upon, I must confess: nay, be not angry.

Deli.
Well, sir, however you please to forget yourself, I have not
deserv'd to be thus played upon; but henceforth, pray you forbear my house, for I can but faintly endure the savour of his breath, at my table, that shall thus jade me for my courtesies.

Maci.
Nay, then, signior, let me tell you, your wife is no proper woman,
and by my life, I suspect her honesty, that's more, which you may likewise suspect, if you please, do you see? I'll urge you to nothing against your appetite, but if you please, you may suspect it.

Deli.
Good sir.

[EXIT.

Maci.
Good, sir! now horn upon horn pursue thee, thou blind, egregious
dotard!

Car.
O, you shall hear him speak like envy. — Signior Macilente, you saw monsieur Brisk lately: I heard you were with him at court.

Maci.
Ay, Buffone, I was with him.

Car.
And how is he respected there? I know you'll deal ingenuously with us; is he made much of amongst the sweeter sort of gallants?

Maci.
Faith, ay; his civet and his casting-glass
Have helpt him to a place amongst the rest:
And there, his seniors give him good slight looks,
After their garb, smile, and salute in French
With some new compliment.

Car.
What, is this all?

Maci.
Why say, that they should shew the frothy fool
Such grace as they pretend comes from the heart,
He had a mighty windfall out of doubt!
Why, all their graces are not to do grace
To virtue or desert; but to ride both
With their gilt spurs quite breathless, from themselves.
'Tis now esteem'd precisianism in wit,
And a disease in nature, to be kind
Toward desert, to love or seek good names.
Who feeds with a good name? who thrives with loving?
Who can provide feast for his own desires,
With serving others? — ha, ha, ha!
'Tis folly, by our wisest worldlings proved,
If not to gain by love, to be beloved.

Car.
How like you him? is't not a good spiteful slave, ha?

Punt.
Shrewd, shrewd.

Car.
D—n me! I could eat his flesh now; divine sweet villain!

Maci.
Nay, prithee leave: What's he there?

Car.
Who? this in the starched beard? it's the dull stiff knight
Puntarvolo, man; he's to travel now presently: he has a good knotty wit; marry, he carries little on't out of the land with him.

Maci.
How then?

Car.
He puts it forth in venture, as he does his money upon the return of
a dog and cat.

Maci.
Is this he?

Car.
Ay, this is he; a good tough gentleman: he looks like a shield of
brawn at Shrove-tide, out of date, and ready to take his leave; or a dry pole of ling upon Easter-eve, that has furnish'd the table all Lent, as he has done the city this last vacation.

Maci.
Come, you'll never leave your stabbing similes: I shall have you
aiming at me with 'em by and by; but —

Car.
O, renounce me then! pure, honest, good devil, I love thee above the love of women: I could e'en melt in admiration of thee, now. Ods so, look here, man; Sir Dagonet and his squire!

ENTER SOGLIARDO AND SHIFT.

Sog.
Save you, my dear gallantos: nay, come, approach, good cavalier:
prithee, sweet knight, know this gentleman, he's one that it pleases me to use as my good friend and companion; and therefore do him good offices: I beseech you, gentles, know him, I know him all over.

Punt.
Sir, for signior Sogliardo's sake, let it suffice, I know you.

Sog.
Why, as I am a gentleman, I thank you, knight, and it shall suffice.
Hark you, sir Puntarvolo, you'd little think it; he's as resolute a piece of flesh as any in the world.

Punt.
Indeed, sir!

Sog.
Upon my gentility, sir: Carlo, a word with you; do you see that same fellow, there?

Car.
What, cavalier Shirt?

Sog.
O, you know him; cry you mercy: before me, I think him the tallest
man living within the walls of Europe.

Car.
The walls of Europe! take heed what you say, signior, Europe's a
huge thing within the walls.

Sog.
'Tut, an 'twere as huge again, I'd justify what I speak. 'Slid, he
swagger'd even now in a place where we were — I never saw a man do it more resolute.

Car.
Nay, indeed, swaggering is a good argument of resolution. Do you
hear this, signior?

Maci.
Ay, to my grief. O, that such muddy flags,
For every drunken flourish should achieve
The name of manhood, whilst true perfect valour,
Hating to shew itself, goes by despised!
Heart! I do know now, in a fair just cause,
I dare do more than he, a thousand times;
Why should not they take knowledge of this, ha!
And give my worth allowance before his?
Because I cannot swagger. — Now, the pox
Light on your Pickt-hatch prowess!

Sog.
Why, I tell you, sir; he has been the only 'Bid-stand' that ever kept
New-market, Salisbury-plain, Hockley i' the Hole, Gadshill, and all thehigh places of any request: he has had his mares and his geldings, he, have been worth forty, threescore, a hundred pound a horse, would ha' sprung you over the hedge and ditch like your greyhound: he has done five hundred robberies in his time, more or less, I assure you.

Punt.
What, and scaped?

Sog.
Scaped! i'faith, ay: he has broken the gaol when he has been in
irons and irons; and been out and in again; and out, and in; forty times, and not so few, he.

Maci.
A fit trumpet, to proclaim such a person.

Car.
But can this be possible?

Shift.
Pardon me, my dear Orestes; causes have their quiddits, and 'tis
ill jesting with bell-ropes.

Car.
How! Pylades and Orestes?

Sog.
Ay, he is my Pylades, and I am his Orestes: how like you the conceit?

Car.
O, 'tis an old stale interlude device; no, I'll give you names
myself, look you; he shall be your Judas, and you shall be his elder-tree to hang on.

Maci.
Nay, rather let him be captain Pod, and this his motion: for he
does nothing but shew him.

Car.
Excellent: or thus; you shall be Holden, and he your camel.

Shift.
You do not mean to ride, gentlemen?

Punt.
Faith, let me end it for you, gallants: you shall be his
Countenance, and he your Resolution.

Sog.
Troth, that's pretty: how say you, cavalier, shall it be so?

Car.
Ay, ay, most voices.

Shift.
Faith, I am easily yielding to any good impressions.

Sog.
Then give hands, good Resolution.

Car.
Mass, he cannot say, good Countenance, now, properly, to him again.

Punt.
Yes, by an irony.

Maci.
O, sir, the countenance of Resolution should, as he is, be
altogether grim and unpleasant.

ENTER FASTIDIOUS BRISK.

Fast.
Good hours make music with your mirth, gentlemen, and keep time to your humours! — How now, Carlo?

Punt.
Monsieur Brisk? many a long look have I extended for you, sir.

Fast.
Good faith, I must crave pardon: I was invited this morning, ere I
was out of my bed, by a bevy of ladies, to a banquet: whence it was almost one of Hercules's labours for me to come away,
but that the respect of my promise did so prevail with me. I know they'll take it very ill, especially one, that gave me this bracelet of her hair but over night, and this pearl another gave me from her forehead, marry she— what! are the writings ready?

Punt.
I will send my man to know. Sirrah, go you to the notary's, and
learn if he be ready: leave the dog, sir.

[EXIT SERVANT.

Fast.
And how does my rare qualified friend, Sogliardo? Oh, signior
Macilente! by these eyes, I saw you not; I had saluted you sooner else, o' my troth. I hope, sir, I may presume upon you, that you will not divulge my late check, or disgrace, indeed, sir.

Maci.
You may, sir.

Car.
He knows some notorious jest by this gull, that he hath him so
obsequious.

Sog.
Monsieur Fastidious, do you see this fellow there? does he not look like a clown? would you think there were any thing in him?

Fast.
Any thing in him! beshrew me, ay; the fellow hath a good ingenious face.

Sog.
By this element he is as ingenious a tall man as ever swagger'd about London: he, and I, call Countenance and Resolution; but his name is cavalier Shift.

Punt.
Cavalier, you knew signior Clog, that was hang'd for the robbery at
Harrow on the hill?

Sog.
Knew him, sir! why, 'twas he gave all the directions for the action.

Punt.
How! was it your project, sir?

Shift.
Pardon me, Countenance, you do me some wrong to make occasions public, which I imparted to you in private.

Sog.
God's will! here are none but friends, Resolution.

Shift.
That's all one; things of consequence must have their respects;
where, how, and to whom. — Yes, sir, he shewed himself a true Clog in the coherence of that affair, sir; for, if he had managed matters as they were corroborated to him, it had been better for him by a forty or fifty score of pounds, sir; and he himself might have lived, in despight of fates, to have fed on woodcocks, with the rest: but it was his heavy fortune to sink, poor Clog! and therefore talk no more of him.

Punt.
Why, had he more aiders then?

Sog.
O lord, sir! ay, there were some present there, that were the Nine
Worthies to him, i'faith.

Shift.
Ay, sir, I can satisfy you at more convenient conference: but, for
mine own part, I have now reconciled myself to other courses, and profess a living out of my other qualities.

Sog.
Nay, he has left all now, I assure you, and is able to live like a
gentleman, by his qualities. By this dog, he has the most rare gift in tobacco that ever you knew.

Car.
He keeps more ado with this monster, than ever Banks did with his
horse, or the fellow with the elephant.

Maci.
He will hang out his picture shortly, in a cloth, you shall see.

Sog.
O, he does manage a quarrel the best that ever you saw, for terms and circumstances.

Fast.
Good faith, signior, now you speak of a quarrel, I'll acquaint you
with a difference that happened between a gallant and myself; sir
Puntarvolo, you know him if I should name him signior Luculento.

Punt.
Luculento! what inauspicious chance interposed itself to your two
loves?

Fast.
Faith, sir, the same that sundered Agamemnon and great Thetis' son; but let the cause escape, sir: he sent me a challenge, mixt with some few braves, which I restored, and in fine we met. Now, indeed, sir, I must tell you, he did offer at first very desperately, but without judgment: for, look you, sir, I cast myself into this figure; now he comes violently on, and withal advancing his rapier to strike, I thought to have took his arm, for he had left his whole body to my election, and I was sure he could not recover his guard. Sir, I mist my purpose in his arm, rash'd his doublet-sleeve, ran him close by the left cheek, and through his hair. He again lights me here, — I had on a gold cable hatband, then new come up,
which I wore about a murey French hat I had, — cuts my hatband, and yet it was massy goldsmith's work, cuts my brims, which by good fortune, being thick embroidered with gold twist and spangles, disappointed the force of the blow: nevertheless, it grazed on my shoulder, takes me away six purls of an Italian cut-work band I wore, cost me three pound in the Exchange but
three days before.

Punt.
This was a strange encounter.

Fast.
Nay, you shall hear, sir: with this we both fell out, and breath'd.
Now, upon the second sign of his assault, I betook me to the former manner of my defence; he, on the other side, abandon'd his body to the same danger as before, and follows me still with blows: but I being loth to take the deadly advantage that lay before me of his left side, made a kind of stramazoun, ran him up to the hilts through the doublet, through the shirt, and yet miss'd the skin. He, making a reverse blow, — falls upon my emboss'd girdle, I had thrown off the hangers a little before — strikes
off a skirt of a thick-laced satin doublet I had, lined with four taffatas, cuts off two panes embroidered with pearl, rends through the drawings-out of tissue, enters the linings, and skips the flesh.

Car.
I wonder he speaks not of his wrought shirt.

Fast.
Here, in the opinion of mutual damage, we paused; but, ere I
proceed, I must tell you, signior, that, in this last encounter, not having leisure to put off my silver spurs, one of the rowels catch'd hold of the ruffle of my boot, and, being Spanish leather, and subject to tear, overthrows me, rends me two pair of silk stockings, that I put on, being somewhat a raw morning, a peach colour and another, and strikes me som half inch deep into the side of the calf: he, seeing the blood come, presently takes horse, and away: I, having bound up my wound with a piece of my wrought shirt —

Car.
O! comes it in there?

Fast.
Rid after him, and, lighting at the court gate both together,
embraced, and march'dhand in hand up into the presence. Was not this business well carried?

Maci.
Well! yes, and by this we can guess what apparel the gentleman wore.

Punt.
'Fore valour, it was a designment begun with much resolution,
maintain'd with as much prowess, and ended with more humanity. —
RE-ENTER SERVANT.
How now, what says the notary?

Serv.
He says, he is ready, sir; he stays but your worship's pleasure.

Punt.
Come, we will go to him, monsieur. Gentlemen, shall we entreat you to be witnesses?

Sog.
You shall entreat me, sir. — Come, Resolution.

Shift.
I follow you, good Countenance.

Car.
Come, signior, come, come.

[EXEUNT ALL BUT MACILENTE.

Maci.
O, that there should be fortune
To clothe these men, so naked in desert!
And that the just storm of a wretched life
Beats them not ragged for their wretched souls,
And, since as fruitless, even as black, as coals!

[EXIT.

Mit.
Why, but signior, how comes it that Fungoso appeared not with his
sister's intelligence to Brisk?

Cor. Marry, long of the evil angels that she gave him, who have indeed tempted the good simple youth to follow the tail of the fashion, and neglect the imposition of his friends. Behold, here he comes, very worshipfully attended, and with good variety.