Every Man out of His Humour Act 3. Scene 1

THE MIDDLE AISLE OF ST. PAUL'S.

Shift.
[COMING FORWARD.] This is rare, I have set up my bills without
discovery.

[ENTER ORANGE.

Orange.
What, signior Whiffe! what fortune has brought you into these
west parts?

Shift.
Troth, signior, nothing but your rheum; I have been taking an ounce
of tobacco hard by here, with a gentleman, and I am come to spit private in Paul's. 'Save you, sir.

Orange.
Adieu, good signior Whiffe.
[PASSES ONWARD.

[ENTER CLOVE.

Clove.
Master Apple-John! you are well met; when shall we sup together,
and laugh, and be fat with those good wenches, ha?

Shift.
Faith, sir, I must now leave you, upon a few humours and occasions; but when you please, sir.

[EXIT.

Clove.
Farewell, sweet Apple-John! I wonder there are no more store of
gallants here.

Mit.
What be these two, signior?

Cor.
Marry, a couple, sir, that are mere strangers to the whole scope of
our play; only come to walk a turn or two in this scene of Paul's, by
chance.

Orange.
Save you, good master Clove!

Clove.
Sweet master Orange.

Mit.
How! Clove and Orange?

Cor.
Ay, and they are well met, for 'tis as dry an Orange as ever grew:
nothing but salutation, and "O lord, sir!" and "It pleases you to say so, sir!" one that can laugh at a jest for company with a most plausible and extemporal grade; and some hour after in private ask you what it was. The other monsieur, Clove, is a more spiced youth; he will sit you a whole afternoon sometimes in a bookseller's shop, reading the Greek, Italian, and Spanish, when he understands not a word of either; if he had the tongues to his suits, he were an excellent linguist.

Clove.
Do you hear this reported for certainty?

Orange.
O lord, sir.

[ENTER PUNTARVOLO AND CARLO, FOLLOWED BY TWO SERVING-MEN, ONE LEADING A
DOG, THE OTHER BEARING A BAG.

Punt.
Sirrah, take my cloak; and you, sir knave, follow me closer. If
thou losest my dog, thou shalt die a dog's death; I will hang thee.

Car.
Tut, fear him not, he's a good lean slave; he loves a dog well, I
warrant him; I see by his looks, I: — Mass, he's somewhat like him. 'Slud
[TO THE SERVANT.] poison him, make him away with a crooked pin, or somewhat, man; thou may'st have more security of thy life; and — So sir; what! you have not put out your whole venture yet, have you?

Punt.
No, I do want yet some fifteen or sixteen hundred pounds; but my
lady, my wife, is 'Out of her Humour', she does not now go.

Car.
No! how then?

Punt.
Marry, I am now enforced to give it out, upon the return of myself,
my dog, and my cat.

Car.
Your cat! where is she?

Punt.
My squire has her there, in the bag; sirrah, look to her. How
lik'st thou my change, Carlo?

Car.
Oh, for the better, sir; your cat has nine lives, and your wife has
but one.

Punt.
Besides, she will never be sea-sick, which will save me so much in
conserves. When saw you signior Sogliardo?

Car.
I came from him but now; he is at the herald's office yonder; he
requested me to go afore, and take up a man or two for him in Paul's, against his cognisance was ready.

Punt.
What, has he purchased arms, then?

Car.
Ay, and rare ones too; of as many colours as e'er you saw any fool's coat in your life. I'll go look among yond' bills, an I can fit him with legs to his arms.

Punt.
With legs to his arms! Good! I will go with you, sir.
[THEY GO TO READ THE BILLS.

ENTER FASTIDIOUS, DELIRO, AND MACILENTE.

Fast.
Come, let's walk in Mediterraneo: I assure you, sir, I am not the
least respected among ladies; but let that pass: do you know how to go into the presence, sir?

Maci.
Why, on my feet, sir.

Fast.
No, on your head, sir; for 'tis that must bear you out, I assure
you; as thus, sir. You must first have an especial care so to wear your hat, that it oppress not confusedly this your predominant, or foretop; because, when you come at the presence-door, you may with once or twice stroking up your forehead, thus, enter with your predominant perfect; that is, standing up stiff.

Maci.
As if one were frighted?

Fast.
Ay, sir.

Maci.
Which, indeed, a true fear of your mistress should do, rather than
gum-water, or whites of eggs; is't not so, sir?

Fast.
An ingenious observation. Give me leave to crave your name, sir?

Dali.
His name is Macilente, sir.

Fast.
Good signior Macilente, if this gentleman, signior Deliro, furnish
you, as he says he will, with clothes, I will bring you, to-morrow by this time, into the presence of the most divine and acute lady in court; you shall see sweet silent rhetorick, and dumb eloquence speaking in her eye, but when she speaks herself, such an anatomy of wit, so sinewised and arterised, that 'tis the goodliest model of pleasure that ever was to behold. Oh! she strikes the world into admiration of her; O, O, O! I cannot express them, believe me.

Maci.
O, your only admiration is your silence, sir.

Punt.
'Fore God, Carlo, this is good! let's read them again.
[READS THE BILL.
"If there be any lady or gentlewoman of good carriage that is desirous to entertain to her private uses, a young, straight, and upright gentleman, of the age of five or six and twenty at the most; who can serve in the nature of a gentleman-usher, and hath little legs of purpose, and a black satin suit of his own, to go before her in; which suit, for the more sweetening, now lies in lavender; and can hide his face with her fan, if need require; or sit in the cold at the stair foot for her, as well as another gentleman: let her subscribe her name and place, and diligent respect shall be given."

Punt.
This is above measure excellent, ha!

Car.
No, this, this! here's a fine slave.
[READS.
"If this city, or the suburbs of the same, do afford any young gentleman of the first, second, or third head, more or less, whose friends are but lately deceased, and whose lands are but new come into his hands, that, to be as exactly qualified as the best of our ordinary gallants are, is affected to entertain the most gentleman-like use of tobacco; as first, to give it the most exquisite perfume; then, to know all the delicate sweet forms for the assumption of it; as also the rare corollary and practice of the Cuban ebolition, euripus and whiff, which he shall receive or take in here at London, and evaporate at Uxbridge, or farther, if it please him.
If there be any such generous spirit, that is truly enamoured of these good faculties; may it please him, but by a note of his hand to specify the place or ordinary where he uses to eat and lie; and most sweet attendance, with tobacco and pipes of the best sort, shall be ministered. 'Stet, quaeso, candide Lector.'"

Punt.
Why, this is without parallel, this.

Car.
Well, I'll mark this fellow for Sogliardo's use presently.

Punt.
Or rather, Sogliardo, for his use.

Car.
Faith, either of them will serve, they are both good properties:
I'll design the other a place too, that we may see him.

Punt.
No better place than the Mitre, that we may be spectators with you, Carlo. Soft, behold who enters here:

ENTER SOGLIARDO.

Signior Sogliardo! save you.

Sog.
Save you, good sir Puntarvolo; your dog's in health, sir, I see: How
now, Carlo?

Car.
We have ta'en simple pains, to choose you out followers here.
[SHOWS HIM THE BILLS.

Punt.
Come hither, signior.

Clove.
Monsieur Orange, yon gallants observe us; prithee let's talk
fustian a little, and gull them; make them believe we are great scholars.

Orange.
O lord, sir!

Clove.
Nay, prithee let us, believe me, — you have an excellent habit in
discourse.

Orange.
It pleases you to say so, sir.

Clove.
By this church, you have, la; nay, come, begin — Aristotle, in his
daemonologia, approves Scaliger for the best navigator in his time; and in his hypercritics, he reports him to be Heautontimorumenos: — you understand the Greek, sir?

Orange.
O, good sir!

Maci.
For society's sake he does. O, here be a couple of fine tame parrots!

Clove.
Now, sir, whereas the ingenuity of the time and the soul's
synderisis are but embrions in nature, added to the panch of Esquiline, and the inter-vallum of the zodiac, besides the ecliptic line being optic, and not mental, but by the contemplative and theoric part thereof, doth demonstrate to us the vegetable circumference, and the ventosity of the tropics, and whereas our intellectual, or mincing capreal (according to the metaphysicks) as you may read in Plato's Histriomastix — You conceive me
sir?

Orange.
O lord, sir!

Clove.
Then coming to the pretty animal, as reason long since is fled to
animals, you know, or indeed for the more modelising, or enamelling, or rather diamondising of your subject, you shall perceive the hypothesis, or galaxia, (whereof the meteors long since had their initial inceptions and notions,) to be merely Pythagorical, mathematical, and aristocratical — For, look you, sir, there is ever a kind of concinnity and species — Let us turn to our former discourse, for they mark us not.

Fast.
Mass, yonder's the knight Puntarvolo.

Deli.
And my cousin Sogliardo, methinks.

Maci.
Ay, and his familiar that haunts him, the devil with the shining face.

Deli.
Let 'em alone, observe 'em not.

[SOGLIARDO, PUNTARVOLO, AND CARLO, WALK TOGETHER.

Sog.
Nay, I will have him, I am resolute for that. By this parchment,
gentlemen, I have been so toiled among the harrots yonder, you will not believe! they do speak in the strangest language, and give a man the hardest terms for his money, that ever you knew.

Car.
But have you arms, have you arms?

Sog.
I'faith, I thank them; I can write myself gentleman now; here's my
patent, it cost me thirty pound, by this breath.

Punt.
A very fair coat, well charged, and full of armory.

Sog.
Nay, it has as much variety of colours in it, as you have seen a coat
have; how like you the crest, sir?

Punt.
I understand it not well, what is't?

Sog.
Marry, sir, it is your boar without a head, rampant. A boar without
a head, that's very rare!

Car.
Ay, and rampant too! troth, I commend the herald's wit, he has
decyphered him well: a swine without a head, without brain, wit, anything indeed, ramping to gentility. You can blazon the rest, signior, can you not?

Sog.
O, ay, I have it in writing here of purpose; it cost me two shilling
the tricking.

Car.
Let's hear, let's hear.

Punt.
It is the most vile, foolish, absurd, palpable, and ridiculous
escutcheon that ever this eye survised. — Save you, good monsieur Fastidious.

[THEY SALUTE AS THEY MEET IN THE WALK.

Cor.
Silence, good knight; on, on.

Sog.
[READS.] "Gyrony of eight pieces; azure and gules; between three plates, a chevron engrailed checquy, or, vert, and ermins; on a chief argent, between two ann'lets sable, a boar's head, proper."

Car.
How's that! on a chief argent?

Sog.
[READS.] "On a chief argent, a boar's head proper, between two ann'lets sable."

Car.
'Slud, it's a hog's cheek and puddings in a pewter field, this.

[HERE THEY SHIFT. FASTIDIOUS MIXES WITH PUNTARVOLO; CARLO AND SOGLIARDO;
DELIRO AND MACILENTE; CLOVE AND ORANGE; FOUR COUPLE.

Sog.
How like you them, signior?

Punt.
Let the word be, 'Not without mustard': your crest is very rare, sir.

Car.
A frying-pan to the crest, had had no fellow.

Fast.
Intreat your poor friend to walk off a little, signior, I will
salute the knight.

Car.
Come, lap it up, lap it up.

Fast.
You are right well encounter'd, sir; how does your fair dog?

Punt.
In reasonable state, sir; what citizen is that you were consorted
with? A merchant of any worth?

Fast.
'Tis signior Deliro, sir.

Punt.
Is it he? — Save you, sir!
[THEY SALUTE.

Deli.
Good sir Puntarvolo!

Maci.
O what copy of fool would this place minister, to one endued with
patience to observe it!

Car.
Nay, look you, sir, now you are a gentleman, you must carry a more
exalted presence, change your mood and habit to a more austere form; be exceeding proud, stand upon your gentility, and scorn every man; speak nothing humbly, never discourse under a nobleman, though you never saw him but riding to the star-chamber, it's all one. Love no man: trust no man: speak ill of no man to his face; nor well of any man behind his back.
Salute fairly on the front, and wish them hanged upon the turn. Spread yourself upon his bosom publicly, whose heart you would eat in private. These be principles, think on them; I'll come to you again presently.

[EXIT.

Punt.
[TO HIS SERVANT.] Sirrah, keep close; yet not so close: thy breath will thaw my ruff.

Sog.
O, good cousin, I am a little busy, how does my niece? I am to walk
with a knight, here.

ENTER FUNGOSO WITH HIS TAILOR.

Fung.
O, he is here; look you, sir, that's the gentleman.

Tai.
What, he in the blush-coloured satin?

Fung.
Ay, he, sir; though his suit blush, he blushes not, look you, that's
the suit, sir: I would have mine such a suit without difference, such
stuff, such a wing, such a sleeve, such a skirt, belly and all; therefore, pray you observe it. Have you a pair of tables?

Fast.
Why, do you see, sir, they say I am fantastical; why, true, I know
it, and I pursue my humour still, in contempt of this censorious age. 'Slight, an a man should do nothing but what a sort of stale judgments about him this town will approve in him, he were a sweet ass: I'd beg him, i'faith. I ne'er knew any more find fault with a fashion, than they that knew not how to put themselves into it. For mine own part, so I please mine own appetite, I am careless what the fusty world speaks of me. Puh!

Fung.
Do you mark, how it hangs at the knee there?

Tai.
I warrant you, sir.

Fung.
For God's sake do, not all; do you see the collar, sir?

Tai.
Fear nothing, it shall not differ in a stitch, sir.

Fung.
Pray heaven it do not! you'll make these linings serve, and help me
to a chapman for the outside, will you?

Tai.
I'll do my best, sir: you'll put it off presently.

Fung.
Ay, go with me to my chamber you shall have it — but make haste of it, for the love of a customer; for I'll sit in my old suit, or else lie a
bed, and read the 'Arcadia' till you have done.

[EXIT WITH HIS TAILOR.

RE-ENTER CARLO.

Car.
O, if ever you were struck with a jest, gallants, now, now, now, I do
usher the most strange piece of military profession that ever was
discovered in 'Insula Paulina'.

Fast.
Where? where?

Punt.
What is he for a creature?

Car.
A pimp, a pimp, that I have observed yonder, the rarest superficies
of a humour; he comes every morning to empty his lungs in Paul's here; and offers up some five or six hecatombs of faces and sighs, and away again. Here he comes; nay, walk, walk, be not seen to note him, and we shall have excellent sport.

ENTER SHIFT; AND WALKS BY, USING ACTION TO HIS RAPIER.

Punt.
'Slid, he vented a sigh e'en now, I thought he would have blown up
the church.

Car.
O, you shall have him give a number of those false fires ere he depart.

Fast.
See, now he is expostulating with his rapier: look, look!

Car.
Did you ever in your days observe better passion over a hilt?

Punt.
Except it were in the person of a cutlet's boy, or that the fellow
were nothing but vapour, I should think it impossible.

Car.
See again, he claps his sword o' the head, as who should say, well,
go to.

Fast.
O violence! I wonder the blade can contain itself, being so provoked.

Car.
"With that the moody squire thumpt his breast,
And rear'd his eyen to heaven for revenge."

Sog.
Troth, an you be good gentlemen, let's make them friends, and take up the matter between his rapier and him.

Car.
Nay, if you intend that, you must lay down the matter; for this
rapier, it seems, is in the nature of a hanger-on, and the good gentleman would happily be rid of him.

Fast.
By my faith, and 'tis to be suspected; I'll ask him.

Maci.
O, here's rich stuff! for life's sake, let us go:
A man would wish himself a senseless pillar,
Rather than view these monstrous prodigies:
"Nil habet infelix paupertas durius in se,
Quam quod ridiculos homines facit —"

[EXIT WITH DELIRO.

Fast.
Signior.

Shift.
At your service.

Fast.
Will you sell your rapier?

Car.
He is turn'd wild upon the question; he looks as he had seen a serjeant.

Shift.
Sell my rapier! now fate bless me!

Punt.
Amen.

Shift.
You ask'd me if I would sell my rapier, sir?

Fast.
I did indeed.

Shift.
Now, lord have mercy upon me!

Punt.
Amen, I say still.

Shift.
'Slid, sir, what should you behold in my face, sir, that should
move you, as they say, sir, to ask me, sir, if I would sell my rapier?

Fast.
Nay, let me pray you sir, be not moved: I protest, I would rather
have been silent, than any way offensive, had I known your nature.

Shift.
Sell my rapier? 'ods lid! — Nay, sir, for mine own part, as I am
a man that has serv'd in causes, or so, so I am not apt to injure any
gentleman in the degree of falling foul, but — sell my rapier! I will
tell you, sir, I have served with this foolish rapier, where some of us
dare not appear in haste; I name no man; but let that pass. Sell my
rapier! — death to my lungs! This rapier, sir, has travell'd by my side, sir, the best part of France, and the Low Country: I have seen Flushing, Brill, and the Hague, with this rapier, sir, in my Lord of Leicester's time; and by God's will, he that should offer to disrapier me now, I would — Look you, sir, you presume to be a gentleman of sort, and so likewise your friends here; if you have any disposition to travel for the sight of service, or so, one, two, or all of you, I can lend you letters to divers officers and commanders in the Low Countries, that shall for my cause do you all the good offices, that shall pertain or belong to gentleman of your
—— [LOWERING HIS VOICE.] Please you to shew the bounty of your mind, sir, to impart some ten groats, or half a crown to our use, till our ability be of growth to return it, and we shall think oneself —— 'Sblood! sell my rapier!

Sog.
I pray you, what said he, signior? he's a proper man.

Fast.
Marry, he tells me, if I please to shew the bounty of my mind, to
impart some ten groats to his use, or so —

Punt.
Break his head, and give it him.

Car.
I thought he had been playing o' the Jew's trump, I.

Shift.
My rapier! no, sir; my rapier is my guard, my defence, my revenue,
my honour; — if you cannot impart, be secret, I beseech you — and I will maintain it, where there is a grain of dust, or a drop of water. [SIGHS.]
Hard is the choice when the valiant must eat their arms, or clem. Sell my rapier! no, my dear, I will not be divorced from thee, yet; I have ever found thee true as steel, and — You cannot impart, sir? — Save you, gentlemen; — nevertheless, if you have a fancy to it, sir —

Fast.
Prithee away: Is signior Deliro departed?

Car.
Have you seen a pimp outface his own wants better?

Sog.
I commend him that can dissemble them so well.

Punt.
True, and having no better a cloak for it than he has neither.

Fast.
Od's precious, what mischievous luck is this! adieu, gentlemen.

Punt.
Whither in such haste, monsieur Fastidious?

Fast.
After my merchant, signior Deliro, sir.
[EXIT.

Car.
O hinder him not, he may hap lose his title; a good flounder, i'faith.

[ORANGE AND CLOVE CALL SHIFT ASIDE.

Car.
How! signior Whiffe?

Orange.
What was the difference between that gallant that's gone and you, sir?

Shift.
No difference; he would have given me five pound for my rapier, and I refused it; that's all.

Clove.
O, was it no otherwise? we thought you had been upon some terms.

Shift.
No other than you saw, sir.

Clove.
Adieu, good master Apple-John.

[EXIT WITH ORANGE.

Car.
How! Whiffe, and Apple-John too? Heart, what will you say if this
be the appendix or label to both you indentures?

Punt.
It may be.

Car.
Resolve us of it, Janus, thou that look'st every way; or thou,
Hercules, that has travelled all countries.

Punt.
Nay, Carlo, spend not time in invocations now, 'tis late.

Car.
Signior, here's a gentleman desirous of your name, sir.

Shift.
Sir, my name is cavalier Shift: I am known sufficiently in this
walk, sir.

Car. Shift! I heard your name varied even now, as I take it.

Shift.
True, sir, it pleases the world, as I am her excellent tobacconist,
to give me the style of signior Whiffe; as I am a poor esquire about the town here, they call me master Apple-John. Variety of good names does well, sir.

Car.
Ay, and good parts, to make those good names; out of which I imagine yon bills to be yours.

Shift.
Sir, if I should deny the manuscripts, I were worthy to be banish'd
the middle aisle for ever.

Car.
I take your word, sir: this gentleman has subscribed to them, and is most desirous to become your pupil. Marry, you must use expedition. Signior Insulso Sogliardo, this is the professor.

Sog.
In good time, sir: nay, good sir, house your head; do you profess
these sleights in tobacco?

Shift.
I do more than profess, sir, and, if you please to be a
practitioner, I will undertake in one fortnight to bring you, that you
shall take it plausibly in any ordinary, theatre, or the Tilt-yard, if need be, in the most popular assembly that is.

Punt.
But you cannot bring him to the whiffe so soon?

Shift.
Yes, as soon, sir; he shall receive the first, second, and third
whiffe, if it please him, and, upon the receipt, take his horse, drink his three cups of canary, and expose one at Hounslow, a second at Stains, and a third at Bagshot.

Car.
Baw-waw!

Sog.
You will not serve me, sir, will you? I'll give you more than
countenance.

Shift.
Pardon me, sir, I do scorn to serve any man.

Car.
Who! he serve? 'sblood, he keeps high men, and low men, he! he has
a fair living at Fullam.

Shift.
But in the nature of a fellow, I'll be your follower, if you please.

Sog.
Sir, you shall stay, and dine with me, and if we can agree, we'll not
part in haste: I am very bountiful to men of quality. Where shall we go, signior?

Punt.
Your Mitre is your best house.

Shift.
I can make this dog take as many whiffes as I list, and he shall
retain, or effume them, at my pleasure.

Punt.
By your patience, follow me, fellows.

Sog.
Sir Puntarvolo!

Punt.
Pardon me, my dog shall not eat in his company for a million.

[EXIT WITH HIS SERVANTS.

Car.
Nay, be not you amazed, signior Whiffe, whatever that stiff-necked
gentleman says.

Sog.
No, for you do not know the humour of the dog, as we do: Where shall we dine, Carlo? I would fain go to one of these ordinaries, now I am a gentleman.

Car.
So you may; were you never at any yet?

Sog.
No, faith; but they say there resorts your most choice gallants.

Car.
True, and the fashion is, when any stranger comes in amongst 'em,
they all stand up and stare at him, as he were some unknown beast, brought out of Africk; but that will be helped with a good adventurous face. You must be impudent enough, sit down, and use no respect: when anything's propounded above your capacity smile at it, make two or three faces, and 'tis excellent; they'll think you have travell'd; though you argue, a whole day, in silence thus, and discourse in nothing but laughter, 'twill pass.
Only, now and then, give fire, discharge a good full oath, and offer a great wager; 'twill be admirable.

Sog.
I warrant you, I am resolute; come, good signior, there's a poor
French crown for your ordinary.

Shift.
It comes well, for I had not so much as the least portcullis of
coin before.

Mit.
I travail with another objection, signior, which I fear will be
enforced against the author, ere I can be deliver'd of it.

Cor.
What's that sir?

Mit.
That the argument of his comedy might have been of some other nature, as of a duke to be in love with a countess, and that countess to be in love with the duke's son, and the son to love the lady's waiting maid; some such cross wooing, with a clown to their servingman, better than to be thus near, and familiarly allied to the time.

Cor.
You say well, but I would fain hear one of these autumn-judgments
define once, "Quid sit comoedia?" if he cannot, let him content himself with Cicero's definition, till he have strength to propose to himself a better, who would have a comedy to be 'imitatio vitae, speculum consuetudinis, imago veritatis'; a thing throughout pleasant and ridiculous, and accommodated to the correction of manners: if the maker have fail'd in any particle of this, they may worthily tax him; but if not, why — be you, that are for them, silent, as I will be for him; and give way to the actors.