Dear God

Dear God
Please don't let my face explode
Please don't let my bones fall out
Please don't turn my nipples into giant screaming heads
Don't like Bjork and Dracula
Make out with my spatula
Please don't let my butt be confiscated by the feds

These things I do implore thee
Oh God, please don't ignore me
I may be paranoid as hell but who made me that way?
The world is really scary
And that is why I'm very concerned about all that could happen today
(Dear God!)

Don't stick me 'tween two irate
Rhinos who are trying to mate
Don't replace the raisins in my bagels with dead flies
Please don't let my spleen expire
Please don't set my mom on fire
Please don't let my wife be Gilbert Gottfried in disguise

Oh God, why won't you listen
I've been a perfect Christian
Except for all the blasphemy and heresy and sin
Not looking for direction
Just asking for protection from this screwed-up world that you have stuck me in
(Dear God!)

Please don't let my sperm mutate
Grow until they're six foot eight
Start a revolution and devour me from within
Please don't turn my Pepsi One
Into rancid bison dung
Please don't let me be gang-raped by Teletubbies again

It's not that I'm not grateful
In fact I'm very faithful
Whenever I had to fart in church I always held it in
I'll follow you forever
Just promise that you'll never let anything bad happen to me again

[Spoken]
Dear God!
Please don't let Optimus Prime be waiting for me in my bedroom with a bouquet of flowers and a strap-on
Please don't let me be reincarnated as Starr Jones’ bicycle seat Please don't let me be force-fed crowbar sandwiches while a screaming horde of inbred nuns seductively rub my wife’s armpits with a croissant
Please don't let Aquaman be living in my toilet
Please don't let me be impregnated by a cross-eyed accountant in a day-glo green crotchless lobster costume
Please don't let Jell-O shoot from every orifice in my body every time I see a rake
Please don't let the IRS decide to pay me my tax refund in Miracle Whip
And please, God, don’t strike me with lightning for writing this song!
Woah, oh, woah, oh!

It's not that I'm not grateful
In fact I'm very faithful
'Sides Allah said he'd do it so don’t make me turn to him
I'll follow you forever
Just promise that you’ll never let anything bad happen to me
Never let anything bad happen to me
Never let anything bad happen to me
Never let anything bad happen to me again!