Bartholomew Fayre Act 5. Scene 4

To them Win-wife, Grace, Knockhum, Whitt, Edgworth,
Win, Mistris Over-doo. And to them Waspe.

Look yonder's your Cokes gotten in among his Play-
fellows; I thought we could not miss him at such
a Spectacle.

Gra.
Let him alone, he is so busie he will never
spy us.

Lea.
Nay, good Sir.

Cok.
I warrant thee I will not hurt her, Fellow; what
dost think me uncivil? I pray thee be not jealous: I am
toward a Wife.

[Cokes is handling the Puppets.

Joh.
Well, good Master Lantern, make ready to begin,
that I may fetch my Wife, and look you be perfect, you
undo me else, i' my Reputation.

Lan.
I warrant you, Sir, do not you breed too great
an Expectation of it among your Friends: that's the
only hurter of these things.

Joh.
No, no, no.

Cok.
I'll stay here and see; pray thee let me see.

Win-w.
How diligent and troublesome he is!

Gra.
The place becomes him, me thinks.

Jus.
My ward, Mistris Grace, in the Company of a
stranger? I doubt I shall be compell'd to discover my self
before my time.

Fil.
Two Pence a piece, Gentlemen, an Excellent
Motion.

[The Door-keepers speak.

Kno.
Shall we have fine Fire-Works, and good Va-
pours.

Sha.
Yes, Captain, and Water-works too.

Whi.
I pree dee take a Care o' dy shmall Lady
there, Edgworth: I will look to dish tall Lady my self.

Lan.
Welcome Gentlemen, welcome Gentlemen.

Whi.
Predee Mashter o' de Monshtersh, help a very sick
Lady here to a Chair to shit in.

Lan.
Presently, Sir.

Whi.
Good fait now, Ursla's Ale, and Aquæ-vitæ ish
to blame for't; Shit down, shweet heart, shit down and
shleep a little.

[They bring Mistris Overdoo a Chair.

Edg.
Madam, you are very welcome hither.

Kno.
Yes, and you shall see very good Vapours.

Jus.
Here is my Care come! I like to see him in so
good Company; and yet I wonder that persons of such
Fashion should resort hither!
[By Edgworth.

Edg.
This is a very private house, Madam.

[The Cut-purse courts Mistris Little-wit.

Lan.
Will it please your Ladyship sit, Madam?

Win.
Yes, Goodman. They do so all to be Madam
me, I think they think me a very Lady!

Edg.
What else Madam?

Win.
Must I put off my Mask to him?

Edg.
O, by no means.

Win.
How should my Husband know me then?

Kno.
Husband? an idle Vapour; he must not know
you, nor you him; there's the true Vapour.

Jus.
Yea, I will observe more of this: is this a Lady,
friend?

Whi.
I, and dat is anoder Lady, shweet heart; if dou
hasht a mind to 'em, give me Twelve pence from tee,
and dou shalt have eder-oder on 'em.

Jus.
I? This will prove my chiefest Enormity: I will
follow this.

Edg.
Is not this a finer Life, Lady, than to be clogg'd
with a Husband?

Win.
Yes, a great deal. When will they begin, trow?
in the Name o' the Motion?

Edg.
By and by, Madam; they stay but for Com-
pany.

Kno.
Do you hear, Puppet-Master, these are tedious
Vapours; when begin you?

Lan.
We stay but for Master Lettle-wit, the Au-
thor, who is gone for his Wife; and we begin pre-
sently.

Win.
That's I, that's I.

Edg.
That was you, Lady; but now you are no such
poor thing.

Kno.
Hang the Author's Wife, a running Vapour!
here be Ladies will stay for ne're a Delia o' 'em all.

Whi.
But hear me now, here ish one o' de Ladish a
shleep, stay till shee but vake, man.

Was.
How now, Friends? what's here to do?

Fil.
Two pence a piece, Sir, the best Motion in the
Fair.

[The Door-keepers again.

Was.
I believe you lie; if you do, I'll have my money
again, and beat you.

Win.
Numps is come!

Was.
Did you see a Master of mine come in here, a
tall Young Squire of Harrow o' the Hill, Master Barthol-
mew Cokes?

Fil.
I think there be such a one within.

Was.
Look he be, you were best: but it is very like-
ly: I wonder I found him not at all the rest. I ha'
been at the Eagle, and the Black Wolf, and the Bull
with the Five Legs, and Two Pizzles: (He was a
Calf at Uxbridge Fair Two Years agone:) And at
the Dogs that daunce the Morrice, and the Hair o'
the Taber; and mist him at all these! Sure this must
needs be some fine Sight, that holds him so, if it
have him.

Cok.
Come, come, are you ready now?

Lan.
Presently, Sir.

Was.
Hoyday, he's at work in his Doublet and Hose;
Do you hear, Sir? are you imploy'd, that you are bare
headed, and so busie?

Cok.
Hold your peace, Numps; you ha' been i' the
Stocks, I hear.

VVas.
Do's he know that? Nay, then the Date of my
Authority is out; I must think no longer to reign, my
Government is at an end. He that will correct another
must want fault in himself.

Win-w.
Sententious Numps! I never heard so much
from him before.

Lan.
Sure Master Little-wit will not come; please
you take your place, Sir, we'll begin.

Cok.
I pray thee do, mine Ears long to be at it; and
my Eyes too. O Numps, i' the Stocks, Numps? where's
your Sword, Numps?

Was.
I pray you intend your Game, Sir, let me
alone.

Cok.
Well then, we are quit for all. Come, sit down,

Numps;
I'll interpret to thee: Did you see Mistris

Grace?
It's no matter neither, now I think on't, tell
me anon.

Win-w.
A great deal of Love and Care he ex-
presses.

Gra.
Alas! would you have him to express more than
he has? that were Tyranny.

Cok.
Peace, ho; now, now.

Lan.
Gentiles, that no longer yonr Expectations may wander,
Behold our chief Actor, amorous Leander.
With a great deal of Cloth, lapp'd about him like a Scarf,
For he yet serves his Father, a Dyer at Puddle-Wharf,
Which place we'll make bold with, to call it our Abidus,
As the Bank-side is our Sestos; and let it not be deny'd us.
Now as he is beating, to make the Dye take the fuller,
Who chances to come by, but Fair Hero, in a Sculler;
And seeing Leander's naked Leg, and goodly Calf,
Cast at him from the Boat a Sheeps Eye and an half.
Now she is landed, and the Sculler come back,
By and by you shall see what Leander doth lack.

Pup. L.
Cole, Cole, Old Cole.

Lan.
That is the Sculler's Name, without controle.

Pup. L.
Cole, Cole, I say, Cole.

Lan.
We do hear you.

Pup. L.
Old Cole.

Lan.
Old Cole? Is the Dyer turn'd Collier? how do you sell?

Pup. L.
A Pox o'your manners, kiss my hole here, and smell.

Lan.
Kiss your hole and smell? there's manners indeed.

Pup. L.
Why, Cole, I say, Cole.

Lan.
It's the Sculler you need.

Pup. L.
I, and be hang'd.

Lan.
Be hang'd; look you yonder.
Old Cole, you must go hang with Master Leander.

Pup. C.
Where is he?

Pup. L.
Here. Cole: What Fairest of Fairs,
Was that Fare that thou landest but now at Trigs-Stairs?

Cok.
What was that fellow? Pray thee tell me, I scarce
understand 'em.

Lan.
Leander do's ask, Sir, what fairest of Fairs,
Was the Fare he landed but now at Trigs Stairs?

Pup. C.
It is loverly Hero.

Pup. L.
Nero?

Pup. C.
No, Hero.

Lan.
It is Hero.
Of the Bank-side, he saith, to tell you truth, without erring,
Is come over into Fish-Street, to eat some Fresh Herring.Leander says no more, but as fast as he can,
Gets on all his best Clothes, and will after to the Swan.

Cok.
Most admirable good, is't not?

Lan.
Stay, Sculler.

Pup. C.
What say you?

Lan.
You must stay for Leander,
And carry him to the Wench.

Pup. C.
You Rogue, I am no Pandar.

Cok.
He says he is no Pandar. 'Tis a fine Language; I
understand it now.

Lan.
Are you no Pandar, Goodman Cole? Here's no Man
says you are:
You'll grow a hot Cole, it seems, pray you stay for your Fare.

Pup. C.
Will he come away?

Lan.
What do you say?

Pup. C.
I' de ha' him come away.
Lea. Would you ha' Leander come away? why 'pray' Sir,
stay.
You are angry, Goodman Cole; I believe the Fair Maid
Came over w' you a' trust: tell us Sculler, are you paid.

Pup. C.
Yes Goodman Hogrubber, o' Pickt-hatch.

Lan.
How? Hogrubber o' Pickt-hatch?

Pup. C.
I Hogrubber o' Pickt-hatch. Take you that.

[The Puppet strikes him over the Pate.

Lan.
O, my Head!

Pup. C.
Harm watch, harm catch.

Cok.
Harm watch, harm catch, he says: Very
good i' faith, the Sculler had like to ha' knock'd you,
Sirrah.

Lan.
Yes, but that his Fare call'd him away.

Pup. L.
Row apace, row apace, row, row, row, row,
row.

Lan.
You are knavishly loaden, Sculler, take heed where
you go.

Pup. C.
Knave i' your Face, Goodman Rogue.

Pup. L.
Row, row, row, row, row, row.

Cok.
He said, Knave i' your Face, Friend.

Lan.
I, Sir, I heard him. But there's no talking to
these Water-men, they will ha' the last word.

Cok.
God's my life! I am not allied to the Sculler
yet; he shall be Dauphin my Boy. But my Fiddle-stick
do's fiddle in and out too much: I pray thee speak to
him on't: Tell him, I would have him tarry in my
sight more.

Lan.
I pray you be content; you'll have enough on
him, Sir.

Now, Gentiles, I take it, here is none of you so stupid,
But that you have heard of a Little God of Love call'd
Cupid.
VVho out of Kindness to Leander, hearing he but saw her,
This present day and hour doth turn himself to a Drawer.
And because he would have their first Meeting to be merry,
He strikes Hero in love to him with a Pint of Sherry.
VVhich he tells her from amorous Leander is sent her,
VVho after him, into the Room of Hero doth venture.

[Pup. Leander goes into Mistris Hero's Room.

Pup. Jo.
A Pint of Sack, score a Pint of Sack i' the
Conney.

Cok.
Sack? you said but e'en now it should be Sherry.

Pup. Jo.
Why so it is; Sherry, Sherry, Sherry.

Cok.
Sherry, Sherry, Sherry. By my Troth he makes
me merry. I must have a Name for Cupid too. Let
me see, thou might'st help me now, an' thou would-
est, Numps, at a dead lift; but thou art dreaming
o' the Stocks still. Do not think on't, I have for-
got it; 'tis but a Nine Days Wonder, Man; let it not
trouble thee.

Was.
I would the Stocks were about your Neck, Sir;
condition I hung by the Heels in them till the Wonder
were off from you, with all my heart.

Cok.
Well said, resolute Numps: But hark you friend,
where is the friendship all this while between my Drum
Damon, and my Pipe Pythias?

Lan.
You shall see by and by, Sir.

Cok.
You think my Hobby-horse is forgotten too; no,
I'll see 'em all enact before I go; I shall not know which
to love best else.

Kno.
This Gallant has interrupting Vapours, trouble-
some Vapours; Whit, puff with him.

VVhit.
No, I pre dee, Captain, let him alone. He is
a Child i' faith, la'.

Lan.
Now Gentiles, to the Friends, who in Number are Two,
and lodg'd in that Ale-house, in which Fair Hero do's do.
Damon (for some kindness done him the last VVeek)
Is come, Fair Hero, in Fish-street, this morning to seek:
Pythias do's smell the Knavery of the Meeting,
And now you shall see their true friendly greeting.

Pup. Pi.
You VVhore-masterly Slave, you.

Cok.
Whore-masterly Slave, you? very friendly and
familiar, that.

Pup. Da.
VVhore-master i' thy Face,
Thou hast lien with her thy self, I'll prove't i' this place.

Cok.
Damon says Pythias has lien with her himself, he'll
prove't in this place.

Lan.
They are VVhore-masters both, Sir, that's a plain
Case.

Pup. Pi.
You lie, like a Rogue.

Lan.
Do I lie, like a Rogue?

Pup. Pi.
A Pimp, and a Scab.

Lan.
A Pimp, and a Scab?
I say, between you, you have both but one Drab.

Pup. Da.
You lie again.

Lan.
Do I lie again?

Pup. Da.
Like a Rogue again.

Lan.
Like a Rogue again?

Pup. Pi.
And you are a Pimp again.

Cok.
And you are Pimp again, he says.

Pup. Da.
And a Scab again.

Cok.
And a Scab again, he says.

Lan.
And I say again, you are both VVhore-masters again.
And you have both but one Drab again.

[They fight.

Pup. Da. Pi.
Dost thou, dost thou, dost thou?
Lan,VVhat, both at once?

Pup. P.
Down with him, Damon.

Pup. D.
Pink his Guts, Pythias.

Lan.
VVhat, so malicious?
VVill ye murder me, Masters both, i' my own House?

Cok.
Ho! well acted, my Drum; well acted, my Pipe,
well acted still.

VVas.
Well acted, with all my heart.

Lan.
Hold, hold your Hands.

Cok.
I, both your Hands, for my sake! for you ha' both
done well.

Pup. D.
Gramercy, pure Pythias.

Pup. P.
Gramercy, dear Damon.

Cok.
Gramercy to you both, my Pipe and my Drum.

Pup. P. D.
Come, now we'll together to breakfast to Hero.

Lan.
'Tis well you can now go to breakfast to Hero,
You have given me my breakfast, with a hone and honero.

Cok.
How is't friend, ha' they hurt thee?

Lan.
O, no!
Between you and I, Sir, we do but make show.
Thus, Gentiles, you perceive, without any denial,
'Twixt Damon and Pythias here, Friendships true tryal.
Tho hourly they quarrel thus, and roar each with other,
They fight you no more than do's Brother with Brother.
But friendly together, at the next Man they meet,
They let fly their Anger, as here you might see't.

Cok.
Well, we have seen't, and thou hast felt it, what-
soever thou sayest. What's next? what's next?

Lea.
This while young Leander, with fair Hero is drinking,
and Hero grown drunk, to any mans thinking!
Yet was it not three Pints of Sherry could flaw her,
till Cupid distinguish'd like Jonas the Drawer,
From under his Apron, where his lechery lurks,
put love in her Sack. Now mark how it works.

Pup.
H. O Leander Leander, my dear my dear Leander,
I'll for ever be thy Goose, so thou'lt be my Gander.

Cok.
Excellently well said, Fiddle, she'll ever be his
Goose, so he'll be her Gander: was't not so?

Lan.
Yes, Sir, but mark his answer, now.

Pup.
L. And sweetest of Geese, before I go to Bed,
I'll swim o're the Thames, my Goose, thee to tread.

Cok.
Brave! he will swim o're the Thames, and tread
his Goose to night, he says.

Lan.
I, peace, Sir, they'll be angry, if they hear
you eaves-dropping, now they are setting their match.
Pup. L. But lest the Thames should be dark, my Goose,
my dear Friend,
let thy Window be provided of a Candles end.

Pup.
H. Fear not, my Gander, I protest, I should handle
my matters very ill, if I had not a whole Candle.

Pup.
L. Well then, look to't, and kiss me to Boot.

Lan.
Now, here come the Friends again, Pythias, and
Damon.

[Damon and Pythias enter.

and under their Clokes, they have of Bacon, a Gammon.

Pup.
P. Drawer, fill some Wine here.

Lan.
How, some Wine there?
there's company already, Sir, pray forbear!

Pup.
D. 'Tis Hero.

Lan.
Yes, but she will not be taken,
after Sack, and fresh Herring, with youo Dunmow-bacon.

Pup.
P. You lye, it's Westfabian.

Lan.
Westphalian you should say.

Pup.
D. If you hold not your peace, you are a Coxcomb,
I would say.

[Leander and Hero are kissing.

Pup.
What's here? what's here? kiss, kiss, upon kiss.

Lan.
I, Wherefore should they not? what harm is in this?
'tis Mistris Hero.

Pup.
D. Mistris Hero's a whore.

Lan.
Is she a whore? keep you quiet, or Sir Knave out of door.

Pup.
D. Knave out of door?

Pup.
H. Yes, Knave out of door.

[Here the Puppets quarrel and fall together by the Ears.

Pup.
D. VVhore out of door.

Pup.
H. I say, Knave, out of door.

Pup.
D. I say, Whore out of door.

Pup.
P. Yea, so say I too.

Pup.
H. Kiss the whore o' the Arse.

Lan.
Now you ha' something to do:
you must kiss her o' the Arse, she says.

Pup.
D. P. So we will, so we will.

Pup.
H. O, my Hanches, O my Hanches, hold, hold.

Lan.
Stand'st thou still?Leander, where art thou? stand'st thou still like a Sot,
and not offer'st to break both their Heads with a Pot?
See who's at thine Elbow, there! Puppet Jonas and Cupid.

[They fight.

Pup.
I. Upon 'em Leander, be not so stupid.

Pup.
L. You Goat-bearded Slave!

Pup.
D. You whore-master Knave.

Pup.
L. Thou art a whore-master.

Pup.
I. VVhore-masters all.

Lan.
See, Cupid with a word has tane up the brawl.

Kno.
These be fine Vapours!

Cok.
By this good day, they fight bravely! do they not,
Numps?

VVas.
Yes, they lack'd but you to their second all this
while.

Lan.
This tragical encounter, falling out thus to busie us,
It raises up the Ghost of their Friend Dionysius:
Not like a Monarch, but the Master of a School,
In a Scriveners furr'd Gown, which shews he is no Fool.
For therein he hath wit enough to keep himself warm.
O Damon he cries, and Pythias; what harm,
Hath poor Dionysius done you in his Grave,
That after his death you should fall out thus and rave,
And call amorous Leander whore-master Knave?

Pup.
D. I cannot, I will not, I promise you endure it.