Bartholomew Fayre Act 4. Scene 4

Knockhum, Nordern, Puppy, Cutting, VVhit, Edgworth,
Quarlous, Overdoo, VVasp, Bristle.

Whit, bid Val Cutting continue the Vapours for a
lift, VVhit, for a lift.

Nor.
I'll ne mare, I'll ne mare; the Eale's too meeghty.

Kno.
How now! my Galloway Nag the Staggers! ha!
VVhit, gi' him a Slit i' the Forehead. Chear up, Man;
a Needle and Thred, to stitch his Ears. I'ld cure him
now, an I had it, with a little Butter and Garlick, Long
Pepper and Grains. Where's my Horn? I'll gi' him a
Mash presently, shall take away this Dizziness.

Pup.
Why, where are you, Zurs? Do you vlinch, and
leave us i' the Zuds now?

Nor.
I'll ne mare, I'is e'en as vull as a Paipers Bag, by
my troth, I.

Pup.
Do my Northern Cloth zhrink i' the wetting? ha?

Kno.
Why, well said, old Flea-bitten; thou'lt never
tire, I see.

[They fall to their Vapours again.

Cut.
No, Sir; but he may tire, if it please him.

VVhi.
VVho told dee sho? that he vuld never teer,
Man?

Cut.
No matter who told him so, so long as he knows.

Kno.
Nay, I know nothing, Sir, pardon me there.

Edg.
They are at it still, Sir; this they call Vapours.

VVhi.
He shall not pardon dee, Captain; dou shalt
not be pardon'd. Pre'dee shweet heart do not pardon him.

Cut.
'Slight, I'll pardon him, an' I list, whosoever says
nay to't.

Quar.
VVhere's Numps? I miss him.

[Here they continue their Game of Vapours, which
is Nonsense. Every Man to oppose the last Man
that spoke, whether it concern'd him, or no.

VVas.
VVhy, I say nay to't.

Quar.
O, there he is.

Kno.
To what do you say nay, Sir?

VVas.
To any rhing, whatsoever it is, so long as I do
not like it.

VVhi.
Pardon me, little Man, dou musht like it a little.

Cut.
No, he must not like it at all, Sir; there you are
i' the wrong.

VVhi.
I tink I be; he musht not like it, indeed.

Cut.
Nay, then he both must, and will like it, Sir,
for all you.

Kno.
If he have reason, he may like it, Sir.

Whi.
By no meansh Captain, upon reason, he may
like nothing upon reason.

VVas.
I have no reason, nor I will hear of no reason,
nor I will look for no reason, and he is an Ass, that ei-
ther knows any, or looks for't from me.

Cut.
Yes, in some sense you may have reason, Sir.

VVas.
I, in some sense, I care not if I grant you.

VVhi.
Pardon me, thou ougsht to grant him nothing,
in no shensh, if dou do love dy shelf, angry Man.

VVas.
Why then, I do grant him nothing; and I
have no sense.

Cut.
'Tis true, thou hast no sense indeed.

VVas.
'Slid, but I have sense, now I think on't better,
and I will grant him any thing, do you see?

Kno.
He is i' the right, and do's utter a sufficient Va-
pour.

Cut.
Nay, it is no sufficient Vapour, neither, I deny
that.

Kno.
Then it is a sweet Vapour.

Cut.
It may be a sweet Vapour.

Was.
Nay, it is no sweet Vapour neither, Sir, it stinks,
and I'll stand to't.

Whi.
Yes, I tink it dosh shtink, Captain. All Vapour
dosh shtink.

Was.
Nay, then it do's not stink, Sir, and it shall not
stink.

Cut.
By your leave, it may, Sir.

Was.
I, by my leave it may stink, I know that.

Whi.
Pardon me, thou knowesht nothing, it cannot
by thy leave, angry Man.

Was.
How can it not?

Kno.
Nay, never question him, for he is i' the right.

Whi.
Yesh, I am i' de right, I confesh it, so ish de
little Man too.

Was.
I'll have nothing confest, that concerns me. I
am not i' the right, nor never was i' the right, nor ne-
ver will be i' the right, while I am in my right
mind.

Cut.
Mind, why here's no Man minds you, Sir, nor
any thing else.

[They drink again.

Pup.
Vriend, will you mind this that we do;

Qua.
Call you this Vapours? this is such belching of
quarrel, as I never heard. Will you mind your busi-
ness, Sir?

Edg.
You shall see, Sir.

Nor.
I'll ne maire, my waimb warkes too mickle with
this auready.

Edg.
Will you take that, Master Waspe, that no body
should mind you?

Was.
Why? what ha' you to do? is't any matter to
you?

Edg.
No, but methinks you should not be unminded,
though.

Was.
Nor, I wu' not be, now I think on't, do
you hear, new acquaintance? do's no Man mind me,
say you?

Cut.
Yes, Sir, every Man here minds you, but how?

Was.
Nay, I care as little how as you do; that was not
my question.

Whi.
No, noting was ty question, tou art a learned
Man, and I am a valiant Man, i'faith la, tou shalt speak
for me, and I vill fight for tee.

Kno.
Fight for him, Whit? A gross Vapour, he can
fight for himself.

Was.
It may be I can, but it may be, I wu' not,
how then?

Cut.
Why, then you may chuse.

Wasp.
Why, and I'll chuse whether I'll chuse or
no.

Kno.
I think you may, and 'tis true; and I allow it
for a resolute Vapour.

VVas.
Nay then, I do think you do not think, and it
is no resolute Vapour,

Cut.
Yes, in some sort he may allow you.

Kno.
In no sort, Sir, pardon me, I can allow him no-
thing. You mistake the Vapour.

Was.
He mistakes nothing, Sir, in no sort.

Whi.
Yes, I pre dee now, let him mistake.

Was.
A turd i' your Teeth, never pre dee me, for I
will have nothing mistaken.

Kno.
Turd, ha turd? a noisome Vapour, strike Whit.

[They fall by the Ears.

Ove.
Why, Gentlemen, why Gentlemen, I charge
you upon my Authority, conserve the Peace. In the
King's name, and my Husbands, put up your Weapons,
I shall be driven to commit you my self, else.

Qua.
Ha, ha, ha.

Was.
Why do you laugh, Sir?

Qua.
Sir, you'll allow me my Christian liberty. I
may laugh, I hope.

Cut.
In some sort you may, and in some sort you may
not, Sir.

Kno.
Nay in some sort, Sir, he may neither laugh, nor
hope in this company.

Was.
Yes, then he may both laugh, and hope in any
sort, an't please him.

Qua.
Faith, and I will then, for it doth please me ex-
ceedingly.

Was.
No exceeding neither, Sir.

Kno.
No, that Vapour is too lofty.

Qua.
Gentlemen, I do not play well at your Game
of Vapours, I am not very good at it, but —

Cut.
Do you hear, Sir? I would speak with you in
Circle?

[He draws a Circle on the Ground.

Qua.
In Circle, Sir? what would you with me in
Circle?

Cut.
Can you lend me a Piece, a Jacobus? in Circle?

Qua.
'Slid, your Circle will prove more costly than
your Vapours, then. Sir, no, I lend you none.

Cut.
Your Beard's not well turn'd up, Sir.

Qua.
How Raskal? are you playing with my Beard?
I'll break Circle with you.

[They draw all, and fight.

Pup. Nor.
Gentlemen, Gentlemen!

Kno.
Gather up, Whit, gather up, Whit, good Va-
pours.

Ove.
What mean you? are you Rebels? Gentlemen?
shall I send out a Serjeant at Arms, or a Writ o' Rebel-
lion, against you? I'll commit you upon my Woman-
hood, for a Riot, upon my Justice-hood, if you per-
sist.

Was.
Upon your Justice-hood? Marry shite o'your
Hood, you'll commit? Spoke like a true Justice of
Peace's Wife, indeed, and a fine female Lawyer! turd
i' your Teeth for a fee, now.

Over.
Why, Numps, in Master Overdoo's name, I
charge you.

Was.
Good Mistris Underdoo hold your Tongue.

Over.
Alas! poor Numps.

Was.
Alas! and why alas from you, I beseech you?
or why poor Numps, goody Rich? am I come to be pit-
tied by your tuft Taffata now? why Mistris, I knew
Adam the Clerk, your Husband, when he was Adam
Scrivener, and writ for two Pence a Sheet, as high as
he bears his Head now, or you your Hood, Dame. What
are you, Sir?

[The Watch comes in.

Bri.
We be Men, and no Infidels; what is the mat-
ter, here, and the noises? can you tell?

VVas.
Heart, what ha' you to do? cannot a Man
quarrel in quietness? but he must be put out on't by
you? what are you?

Bri.
Why, we be his Majesties Watch, Sir.

VVas.
Watch? 'Sblood, you are a sweet Watch, in-
deed. A body would think, and you watch'd well a
nights, you should be contented to sleep at this time a
day. Get you to your Fleas and your Flock-beds, you
Rogues, your Kennels, and lie down close.

Bri.
Down? yes, we will down, I warrant you, down
with him in his Majesties name, down, down with him,
and carry him away to the Pidgeon-holes.

Ove.
I thank you honest Friends, in the behalf o' the
Crown, and the Peace, and in Master Overdoo's name,
for suppressing enormities.

Whi.
Stay, Bristle, here ish a noder brash o'Drunkards,
but very quiet, special Drunkards, will pay de five Shil-
lings very well. Take 'em to de, in de graish o' God:
one of hem do's change Cloth for Ale in the Fair, here;
te toder ish a strong Man, a mighty Man, my Lord May-
or's Man, and a wrastler. He has wrashled so long with
the Bottle, here, that the Man with the Beard, hash al-
mosht streek up hish heelsh.

Bri.
'Slid, the Clerk o' the Market, has been to cry
him all the Fair over here, for my Lord's service.

Whi.
Tere he ish, pre de taik him hensh, and make ty
best on him. How now Woman o' Shilk, vat ailsh ty
shweet faish? art tou melancholy?

Ove.
A little distemper'd with these enormities; shall
I intreat a courtesie of you, Captain?

Whi.
Intreat a hundred Velvet Voman, I vill do it,
shpeak out.

Ove.
I cannot with modesty speak it out, but —

Whi.
I vill do it, and more, and more, for de. What

Ursla,
an't be Bitch, an't be Baud an't be!

Urs.
How now Raskal? what roar you for? old
Pimp.

Whi.
Here, put up de Clokes Ursh; de purchase, pre
de now, shweet Ursh, help dis good brave Voman to a
Jordan, and't be.

Urs.
'Slid call your Captain Jordan to her, can you
not?

Whi.
Nay, pre de leave dy consheits, and bring the
Velvet Woman to de ——

Urs.
I bring her, hang her: heart must I find a common
Pot for every Punk i' your Purlews?

Whi.
O good voordsh, Ursh, it ish a guest o' Velvet,
i' fait la.

Urs.
Let her sell her Hood, and buy a spunge, with a
Pox to her, my Vessel is employed Sir. I have but one,
and 'tis the bottom of an old Bottle. An honest Pro-
ctor and his Wife are at it within, if she'll stay her
time, so.

VVhi.
As soon ash tou cansht shweet Ursh. Of a vali-
ant Man I tink I am the patientsh Man i' the World, or
in all Smithfield.

Kno.
How now Whit? close Vapours, stealing your
leaps? covering in corners, ha?

VVhi.
No fait, Captain, dough tou beesht a vishe Man,
dy vit is a mile hence, now. I vas procuring a shmall
courtesie for a Woman of fashion here.

Ove.
Yes, Captain, though I am Justice of Peace's
Wife, I do love Men of War, and the Sons of the Sword,
when they come before my Husband.

Kno.
Say'st thou so Filly? thou shalt have a leap pre-
sently, I'll horse thee my self, else.

Urs.
Come, will you bring her in now? and let her
talk her turn?

Whi.
Gramercy good Ursh, I tank de.

Over.
Master Overdoo shall thank her.