I Pooped On Santa’s Lap

Oh Santa, Santa, I so want to see you
Even though I've got a case of diarrhea
"You're not going anywhere," said my mum
"Until that brown water stops flowing from your bum"
If that's the rule, as she told it
I'm guessing that I'm gonna have to hold it

To see Santa Claus, I would hold it for weeks
I don't have a problem just a-squeezing my cheeks
A couple hours passed, I haven't used the bathroom
I say, "Mum, I'm better, let's see Santa soon"
She says, "Fine, we'll go see him at the mall
But if you got to go poop, you got to do it in the stall"

We get to the mall and I'm feeling just fine
I'm prepared to wait a while in this long line
Santa's at the end of it, so exciting, so fun
I've almost forgotten 'bout my case of the runs
But then I hear a rumble and a gurgle in my tummy
I've got to go real bad, no, it's not funny

Oh darn, oh darn, oh darn, oh crap
I think I'm gonna poop on Santa's lap
Oh darn, oh darn, oh darn, oh crap
I think I'm gonna poop on Santa's lap
Oh darn, oh crap
I think I'm gonna poop on Santa's lap

Well, if you think I'd leave my place in line, you're out of your mind
I just reach with my hands and clutch my behind
I probably look silly to the other girls and boys
It's the price I have to pay to make sure that all the toys
That Santa Claus leaves me under the tree
All the toys that I really, really want to see

The moment that I get on Santa's knees
Is the moment that my bowels decide to release
A gallon of this stinky water that's brown
Santa stands up and I fall down
He's swearing and he's screaming, he's out of control
So this Christmas morning, I'm expecting coal