When The Kids Get Married

[MICHAEL]
When the kids get married
I'm gonna spend each day in bed!
Chocolates in my pocket
A pillow underhead!
I'm gonna read just what I please
Even finish "War and Peace"
I wish they'd marry soon!

(spoken)
Agnes, would you pass me my collected Tolstoy, please?
Ah, thank you. Now if you'll just excuse me for a couple of years?

[AGNES, spoken]
Quite alright, dear, I have plans of my own

(sung)
When the kids get married
I'm gonna teach myself to paint
Nothing very fancy
Something kind of quaint!
I'm gonna paint the way we live
Call it "early primitive"

[BOTH]
I wish they'd marry soon!

[MICHAEL]
When the kids get married
I'm gonna play the saxophone
Practice 'til I master
Every golden tone
Then when I've got my sax in hand
I may form a little band!

[BOTH]
I wish they'd marry soon!

[AGNES]
When the kids get married
I'm gonna try the violin
Something nice and simple
That's how I'll begin
Then when I finish "Clair de Lune"
I'll attack another tune!

[BOTH]
I wish they'd marry soon!

[MICHAEL, spoken]
Agnes, here's your fiddle

[AGNES, spoken]
And Michael, here's your sax

[MICHAEL, spoken]
Thank you

[AGNES, spoken]
I've been waiting thirty years for this

(They play their instruments together, badly.)

[MICHAEL]
When the kids get married
We're gonna play for one and all

[AGNES]
Maybe give recitals
At Philharmonic Hall!

[BOTH]
We're gonna be a double bill:
The oldest team in Vaudeville
If they don't marry soon!

[MICHAEL]
I'm gonna spend a year in bed!

[AGNES]
I'm gonna dye my hair bright red!

[MICHAEL]
And I'm gonna learn to shoot some golf!

[AGNES]
I'm gonna take my girdle off!

[MICHAEL]
Play the sax

[AGNES]
Claire de Lune

[BOTH]
Take a second honeymoon
I wish they'd marry soon!

[AGNES, spoken]
Oh, Michael