Nobody’s Perfect

[AGNES, spoken]
Michael, you've changed

[MICHAEL, spoken]
Well, so have you

[AGNES]
Well, nobody's perfect, nobody's perfect
I am human, so are you

[MICHAEL]
Nobody's perfect, nobody's perfect
Here is what we ought to plan to do
Let's make a list of irritating habits
That we think the other person has

[AGNES]
Then once we know our irritating habits
We can correct then

[MICHAEL]
As for example:
Now please don't be offended
But because these things exist
I have taken the little liberty
Of fixing up a little list

[MICHAEL, spoken]
Now, you're sure you don't mind?

[AGNES, spoken]
Oh, I am absolutely sure

[MICHAEL, spoken]
Well, I think that's very bid of you

[AGNES, spoken]
Well, you see dear, it just so happens that I have made up a little listing too

(Agnes pulls out an enormous roll of paper.)

[AGNES]
A pair of socks does not represent
The end of the civilized world
If you're out of socks, believe me when I say
That there's bound to be a more effective way
To get them washed than to stand in your drawers
In the middle of the kitchen screaming:

(spoken)
"Someone has stolen my socks!"

[MICHAEL]
This is a piece of paper
This is a column which, as you see
I have placed on the piece of paper
This is a list of receipts and bills
What we might call household expense
Which I have entered along this line
Forming a business-like design
Inside the column which I've prepared
Upon this piece of paper

This is a total of all those bills
It's represents a month's expense
The whole outlay in checks and cash
That went for the rent and the cornbeef hash
In short, the sum and net result
Of all the figures inside the column which I've prepared
Upon this piece of paper

Now this, as you know is a statement from the bank!
It must be compared with the total result
Of all the figures inside the column
If we are to know, in terms of cost
Just how much money we've made or lost
How far, in fact, we've come or gone
What I'm trying to say is, honey
You're overdrawn!
Again!

[AGNES]
You chew in your sleep!

[MICHAEL, spoken]
Do what?

[AGNES]
You chew!
You go like this:

(Agnes makes an exaggerated chewing noise.)

[MICHAEL, spoken]
I don't!

[AGNES]
You do!

[MICHAEL, spoken]
I've never done that one time in my life!

[AGNES]
Darling, please remember
I'm your wife
You chew in your sleep!
You do it frequently!

[MICHAEL]
But that's absolutely awful

[AGNES]
I quite agree

[MICHAEL]
You are always late

[AGNES]
You are always early

[MICHAEL]
We're totally dressed
And ready to go
I open the door
But do we make it?
No!

It's "Where are my gloves, my gloves, my gloves?"
And "where is my purse, my purse, my purse?"
"Where are my keys?"
"Where is my hat?"
"Where is my this?"
"Where is my that?"
If I protest, it only makes it worse
Hat and gloves; keys and purse
Pain in the neck; terrible curse!
And I would simply like to state
That if you ask me what I hate
It's the terrible, horrible
Habit you have of always being late!

[AGNES]
Oh, when I start to tell a story
An amusing anecdote I've read
When I start to tell a funny, funny story
I get flustered 'cause I know what lies ahead
It always happens!
Yes, when I start to tell a story
It makes no difference where we are
When I get where the joke should be
You say it just ahead of me!
I mean to say
It drives me mad!

[MICHAEL]
You give me Russian dressing which I happen to detest!

[AGNES]
You grab the morning papers, and you take the part that's best!

[MICHAEL]
Every night since we've been wed
You've worn cold cream into bed!
Every night beneath the sheet
Must you look like trick or treat?

[AGNES]
Nobody's perfect!

[BOTH]
Nobody's perfect!
I am human; so are you!
Nobody's perfect, nobody's perfect

[MICHAEL]
Now here is what we ought to plan to do:
You take my list and see if you can't do a little better!

[AGNES]
You take mine and see if you can't notice an improvement!

[BOTH]
'Cause nobody's perfect, especially

[MICHAEL]
Not you!

[AGNES]
Not you!

[BOTH]
Not you!
Not you!
Not you!
Not you!
Not you!