Waves

I can vaguely recall
The panic attacks I’d get when I was young
And how my lower back would ache
When my bottom rib stuck to my lung

How were they suppose to know
I wasn’t lying, crying wolf
All I wanted was a hug
All I got was 'stop your crying'
Pleasure died that day between the rusty swing set monkey bars—
The more I'd run from that the more
I found I never got too far
From an ugly memory just waiting to remind me
How naïve and vulnerable I was before my eyes could see us dying

Out of tune out off touch nothing new just not enough
Never thought there’d come a day where I’d consider giving up
I’ve hit the ground been down and out before but never for this long..
It’s never been so hard to force my head Up

When it rains it pours… I lay my face it drifts away
I know that this isn’t me… I know who I want to be
All that I’ve been working for suddenly means nothing Now
Build a castle watch it crumble no more walls –a dummy’s smile

Waves crashing pulling shore
Lifting—drenched weeping—sore
WAVES CRASHING WAVES—shore

I find myself spending time trying to figure out whats wrong
Instead of taking time to cry and reflecting all alone
All day long it's almost gone I can feel it in my gut
What I've done who I was who I am and why I run…

I took a test, took a guess
It was wrong—I made it up, made it right
I know I'll die, its quite alright
I know I’m strong, makes me cry… keep it in 'til I can’t
That’s the problem I have yet to figure out how to adapt to sudden trauma
Something's wrong-there's something here
Something I can’t be a part of, left out
I want the lead, what is this for?
I help the world, I hurt it more
Watch it bleed, need forgiveness
Oh, I'm sorry, over confident
Contrived, cuz I'm still trying to hide my flaws

Waves crashing pulling shore
Lifting—drenched weeping—sore
WAVES CRASHING WAVES—shore

I watch the cheetah chase its prey-
I look away she licks the blood
I cried until I watched her lay and feed it to her little cub-
I'm not sure what I need but this isn’t what I want
My decisions tire me
Wiring got tied knots
Witnessing a murder is half the reason why
I feel half alive, unsure concerned with
With why we have to die

I know that this isn’t fair but in time will we find out
Exactly how we wound up here
And why our insides cry out loud
I'm a cloud, vapor child …
You can’t count on me right now
I'm dissolving
Falling slowly, fading hope I make it out
Sink or drown
Get back up make a path, take a walk
Grab my partner by the hand ask her if she’d like to come…. gotta go
It's okay, save the rest for in between
No mistake could take the place of lessons learned
Chase or flee

Waves crashing pulling shore
Lifting—drenched weeping—sore
WAVES CRASHING WAVES—shore

Nature has its way with me it takes what I call mine
From six feet deep climbing up out to cloud nine
No direction in my sense turned my world from out to in

Side—lies head

Its my world—it’s the end
Let me spin back in control
New beginning—
Hole I left
Feels a lot more like my home
Something I’ve learned to accept
Higher float—low I get
There no fence
Clear as day
Comes in waves
Glad you’re here

Reconnecting with my birth
Gaining faith, painting fear, aging aches
Tasting love-making love—tasting tears
Making war, waging-it—breaking up
Perfect picture timing naked—making it
Facing it now
Waking up

Shore