Top Ten

[KELLY]
Now, let’s have the ceremony!

[SAM]
What ceremony?

[KELLY]
Uh, the one where you honor me

[SAM]
You want a ceremony?

[KELLY]
I want a monument, but I’ll settle for a ceremony. Honor me!

[SAM]
With what?

[KELLY]
The top ten ways for Kelly Manning to die

[SAM]
You’re misappropriating it

[KELLY]
You cannot stop this
Number 10: I go skydiving without a parachute
Number 9:

[SAM]
Old age

[KELLY]
Lame, impossible
Number 8: abducted by aliens with enormous genitalia
Seven:

[SAM]
Kelly eats Mentos with diet coke and explodes

[KELLY]
Now, that's a damn fine way for Kelly Manning to die
Six:

[SAM]
She tours the tundra and is swallowed by a yeti
Five:

[KELLY]
I eat some toenail polish at my mani-pedi
Four:

[SAM]
Hit by a meteor
Three:

[KELLY]
Caught in a gang war
Two:

[SAM]
Kelly likes caffeine and loves a random fling, so one time at a Starbucks she makes out with Sting. And Sting is all like "Kelly, I think you should come on tour." And Kelly’s all like...

[KELLY]
"I don’t know, is that Armani? Sure. Hahaha." But then Sting gets really clingy and when I say I have to go back to the States, he’s like...

[SAM, in British accent]
"I can’t let you go."

[KELLY]
And I’m like "Ew, you’re my dad’s age." And then he makes me listen to his musical. And I’m like "what’s with the ship? Why are we building a ship?" But I never find out because I am literally bored to death

[SAM]
It was scandalous

[KELLY]
But not compared to...

[SAM (KELLY)]
The number one way (Number one way)

[KELLY]
Hit by a car on the way home from the library!

[SAM]
Kelly...

[KELLY]
If only I’d never cracked open a book

[SAM]
Shut up!

[KELLY]
Fine. Not ready to face your demons? Go ahead, sit in that memory swirl for a while

[Memory swirl, overlapping voices]