There’s Something About a War

[SOLDIERS]
One-two, one-two!

[MILES]
We not only fought but we won, too!

[SOLDIERS]
One-two, one-two!

Left-right, left-right!

[MILES]
There's none of the enemy left, right?

[SOLDIERS, becoming confused]
Right!
Left-uh-righ-left-right!
Right-left-uh-uh-uh-right!

[MILES]
Halt!

I don't know how to say it
But there's something about a war
Mere words cannot convey it
But there's something about a war
It's noisy and it's crowded
And you have to stand in line
But there's something about a war
That's divine!

You march until you're bleary
But there's something about a war
The company is dreary
But there's something about a war
Your fingernails get broken
And the food is often vile
But there's something about a war
Makes you smile

The rain my rust your armor
Your straps may be too tight
But decapitate a farmer
Your heart feels light!

There's something about a war
Something about a war
Something about a war
That makes this little old world all right

[SOLDIERS]
Oh, it's tread, tread, tread
Through the mud, mud, mud
And it's shed, shed, shed
All the blood, blood—

[THIRD SOLIDER]
Yich!

[MILES & SOLDIERS]
There's something about a war
There's something about war

Oh, it's plunge, plunge, plunge
Through the dust, dust, dust
And it's lunge, lunge, lunge
And it's thrust, thrust—

[THIRD SOLDIER]
Ooh!

[MILES & SOLDIERS]
There's something about a war
There's something about a war

You know it isn't massacres and laughter all day long
Still there's something about a war
That's like a song!

A warrior's work is never done
He seldom can get a rest
There always are lands to overrun
And people to be oppressed

There's always a town to pillage
A city to be laid waste
There's always a little village
Entirely to be erased

And citadels to sack, of course
And temples to attack, of course
Children to annihilate
Priestesses to violate
Houses to destroy—hey!
Women to enjoy—hey!
Statues to deface—hey!
Mothers to debase—hey!
Virgins to assault—hey!

[MILES]
Halt, hey!

[MILES & SOLDIERS]
Oh, it's hurry, hurry hurry
But there's something about a war
It's worry after worry
But there's something about a war
It isn't all the drama and heroics it may seem
But there's something about a war
That's a scream!

There's never time for reading
Yet there's something about a war
The elephants keep breeding
But there's something about a war
You frequently feel lonely when the enemy has gone
But there's something about a war
That goes on... and on... and on...

You sulk when someone's suing
For temporary truce
Then another war starts brewing
And soon breaks loose!
There's something about a war
Something about a war
Something about a war—!

It isn't just the glory or
The groaning or the gorier
Details that cause a warrior
To smirk
It's the knowledge that he'll never be out of work!