A Little Priest

[MRS. LOVETT, spoken]
That's all very well, but what are we going to do about the Italian?

[TODD, spoken]
Later on, when it's dark, we'll take him out of the trunk and bury him.

[MRS. LOVETT, spoken]
Well, yes, of course, we could do that. I don't suppose he's got any relatives gonna come poking around looking for him. But you know me, bright ideas just pop into my head and I keep thinking...
(sung)
Seems a downright shame

[TODD, spoken]
Shame?

[MRS. LOVETT]
Seems an awful waste...
Such a nice plump frame
Wot's-his-name
Has…
Had…
Has...
Nor it can't be traced

Business needs a lift
Debts to be erased
Think of it as thrift
As a gift...
If you get my drift...
No?
Seems an awful waste

I mean
With the price of meat what it is
When you get it
If you get it

[TODD, spoken]
Ha!

[MRS. LOVETT]
Good, you got it
Take, for instance
Mrs. Mooney and her pie shop
Business never better, using only pussycats and toast
And a pussy's good for maybe six or seven at the most
And I'm sure they can't compare as far as taste...

[TODD]
Mrs. Lovett
What a charming notion
Eminently practical
And yet appropriate as always

[MRS. LOVETT]
Well, it does seem a waste

[TODD]
Mrs. Lovett
How I've lived without you all these years

[MRS. LOVETT]
It's an idea

[TODD]
I'll never know!
How delectable!
Also undetectable
How choice!
How rare!

[MRS. LOVETT]
Think about it
Lots of other gentlemen'll
Soon be coming for a shave
Won't they?
Think of
All them
Pies!

[TODD]
For what's the sound of the world out there?

[MRS. LOVETT]
What, Mr. Todd, what, Mr. Todd
What is that sound?

[TODD]
Those crunching noises pervading the air?

[MRS. LOVETT]
Yes, Mr. Todd, yes, Mr. Todd
Yes, all around

[TODD]
It's man devouring man, my dear—

[TODD & MRS. LOVETT]
And who are we to deny it in here?

[TODD, spoken]
Ah, these are desperate times, Mrs. Lovett. And desperate measures must be taken.

[MRS. LOVETT, spoken]
Here we are now, hot out of the oven.

[TODD, spoken]
What is that?

[MRS. LOVETT]
It's priest
Have a little priest

[TODD]
Is it really good?

[MRS. LOVETT]
Sir, it's too good, at least
Then again, they don't commit sins of the flesh
So it's pretty fresh

[TODD]
Awful lot of fat

[MRS. LOVETT]
Only where it sat

[TODD]
Haven't you got poet
Or something like that?

[MRS. LOVETT]
No, you see the trouble with poet is
How do you know it's
Deceased?
Try the priest

[TODD, spoken]
Mm, heavenly. Not as hearty as bishop, perhaps, but then not as bland as curate, either.

[MRS. LOVETT, spoken]
Good for business, too—always leaves you wanting more. Trouble is, we only get it on Sundays...
Lawyer's rather nice

[TODD]
If it's for a price

[MRS. LOVETT]
Order something else, though, to follow
Since no one should swallow
It twice

[TODD]
Have you any dean?

[MRS. LOVETT]
No, but if you're British and loyal
You might enjoy Royal
Marine
Anyway, it's clean
Though of course, it tastes of wherever it's been

[TODD]
Is that squire
On the fire?

[MRS. LOVETT]
Mercy no, sir
Look closer
You'll notice it's grocer

[TODD]
Looks thicker
More like vicar

[MRS. LOVETT]
No, it has to be grocer—it's green

[TODD]
The history of the world, my love

[MRS. LOVETT]
Save a lot of graves
Do a lot of relatives favors...

[TODD]
Is those below serving those up above

[MRS. LOVETT]
Everybody shaves
So there should be plenty of flavors...

[TODD]
How gratifying for once to know—

[TODD & MRS. LOVETT]
That those above will serve those down below!

[MRS. LOVETT, spoken]
Now let me see
Ah, we've got tinker

[TODD, spoken]
No, no, something pinker

[MRS. LOVETT, spoken]
Tailor?

[TODD, spoken]
Paler

[MRS. LOVETT, spoken]
Butler?

[TODD, spoken]
Subtler

[MRS. LOVETT, spoken]
Potter?

[TODD, spoken]
Hotter

[MRS. LOVETT, spoken]
Locksmith?
(sung)
Lovely bit of clerk

[TODD]
Maybe for a lark

[MRS. LOVETT]
Then again, there's sweep
If you want it cheap
And you like it dark

Try the financier—
Peak of his career

[TODD]
That looks pretty rank

[MRS. LOVETT]
Well, he drank
It's a bank
Cashier

Last one really sold
Wasn't quite so old

[TODD]
Have you any beadle?

[MRS. LOVETT]
Next week, so I'm told
Beadle isn't bad till you smell it
And notice how well it's
Been greased
Stick to priest
(spoken)
Now this might be a bit stringy, but then, of course, it's fiddle player.

[TODD, spoken]
No, this isn't fiddle player. It's piccolo player.

[MRS. LOVETT, spoken]
How can you tell?

[TODD, spoken]
It's piping hot.

[MRS. LOVETT, spoken]
Then blow on it first!

[TODD]
The history of the world, my sweet

[MRS. LOVETT]
Oh, Mr. Todd, ooh, Mr. Todd
What does it tell?

[TODD]
Is who gets eaten, and who gets to eat

[MRS. LOVETT]
And, Mr. Todd, too, Mr. Todd
Who gets to sell

[TODD]
But fortunately, it's also clear—

[TODD & MRS. LOVETT]
That everybody
Goes down well with beer

[MRS. LOVETT, spoken]
Since marine doesn't appeal to you, how about Rear Admiral?

[TODD, spoken]
Too salty. I prefer General.

[MRS. LOVETT, spoken]
With or without his privates?

[TODD, spoken]
What is that?

[MRS. LOVETT]
It's fop
Finest in the shop
And we have some shepherd's pie peppered
With actual shepherd
On top
And I've just begun
Here's the politician; so oily
It's served with a doily—
Have one?

[TODD]
Put it on a bun
Well, you never know if it's going to run

[MRS. LOVETT]
Try the friar
Fried, it's drier

[TODD]
No, the clergy is really
Too coarse and too mealy

[MRS. LOVETT]
Then actor—
That's compacter

[TODD]
Yes, and always arrives overdone
I'll come again when you
Have judge on the menu

Have charity towards the world, my pet

[MRS. LOVETT]
Yes, yes, I know, my love

[TODD]
We'll take the customers that we can get

[MRS. LOVETT]
High-born and low, my love

[TODD]
We'll not discriminate great from small
No, we'll serve anyone
Meaning anyone—

[TODD & MRS. LOVETT]
And to anyone
At all!