In the Movies

[RAY]
I paid sixty cents for the cab

[TED]
Ray paid sixty cents for the cab

[ARTIE]
Sixty cents for the cab?

[DINO]
Sixty cents for the cab?

[ARTIE]
The meter only said forty cents

[RAY]
Well, what about the tip?
Twenty cents for the tip!

[HANK]
Big spender!

[ARTIE]
Big shot!

[DINO]
Big tipper!

[TED]
I paid fifty cents for the hat check

[RAY]
Fifty cents for the hat check

[ARTIE]
I didn't wear any hat!

[DINO]
I didn't wear any hat!

[ARTIE]
So we don't have to pay for the hat check!

[HANK]
So what about the gum?
Thirty cents for the gum!
You guys chewed the gum
So pay me for the gum!

[DINO]
I paid!

[RAY]
I paid!

[HANK]
And don't forget the Hershey bars!

[MILDRED]
Stella Dallas had her dreams
She would see her daughter dwell
In stately homes and palaces
Stella went to all extremes
'Til finally a wealthy fella
Showed at Stella Dallas's

[CELESTE]
Stella worked it pretty well
But in the last analysis
Though Stella's daughter got the swell
All Stella got was calluses

[MILDRED]
It just goes to show that even though
Your family tree is bare
You still can wind up the intended of
A well-to-do millionaire
It's so true!
It's so real!
It has such universal appeal

[CELESTE]
And it proves Mr. Samuel Goldwyn
Is nobody's schlemiel

If a person treads the path of sin
So her daughter can eat quail
In the movies, she's a heroine
But in Brooklyn, she'd go to jail
In the movies, life is finer
Life is cleaner
But in Brooklyn, it's a minor
Misdemeanor

In the movies, when a girl has come
From the wrong side of the tracks
In a week, she has a wealthy chum
Who can buy her presents at Saks
You can start with a bagel
And end up with Conrad Nagel
On the screen
But in life you wind up
Right behind a
Pillar in the mezzanine

Feed the plot to the fish
Life is not what the movies make it seem
Still, we've got Dorothy Gish—
We can lean back
And settle for the dream

[ARTIE]
I paid three bucks for the doll

[HANK]
That's a personal present

[RAY]
Mildred's your date!

[DINO]
Mildred's your date!

[ARTIE]
Mildred's our collective date!
We all agreed to split her

[HANK]
A personal gift don't count, though

[ARTIE]
Split three bucks four ways:
You and me and Ray and Dino—

[RAY]
It only cost two—
It only cost two for all that we know!

[MILDRED]
Look what's coming:
Valentino!
Valentino—
Vilma Banky—

[CELESTE]
Lots of sand and
Hanky-panky—

[MILDRED]
Ah! Ah!
Wearing a purple turban
Panting, he holds his hand out
He crushes her lips, she shivers and sighs—

[CELESTE]
But wait till she tries
Picking the sand out

[MILDRED]
Ah!

[CELESTE]
Hey, wake up there
Theda Bara
You're a long way
From the Sahara...

In the movies, you get kidnapped
By a sheik dressed in silk robes
On a sand dune built for two, you lie
While he gaily kisses your lobes
Then he murmurs, "Come, I bid you
In my tent" yet
But in real life, he says, "Did you
Pay the rent yet?"

When a girl needs male companionship
On the screen she can keep cool
She just slouches and extends her hips
While she whispers, "Kiss me, my fool!"
It's a movie tradition
But when I'm in that position
I get cramps
So I fold my tent and
Pay the rent and
Leave the vamping to the vamps

If you must
Be like them
And you're just
Getting up a head of steam
Never trust
MGM
Keep your hips in
And settle for the dream