Everybody Ought To Have A Maid

[SENEX, spoken]
Maids like me. I'm neat.
I like maids. They're neat.
Something no household should be without.

(sung)
Everybody ought to have a maid

[PSEUDOLUS]
Everybody ought to have a maid

[SENEX]
Everybody ought to have a working girl
Everybody ought to have a lurking girl
To putter around the house

Everybody ought to have a maid

[PSEUDOLUS]
Everybody ought to have a maid

[SENEX]
Everybody ought to have a menial
Consistently congenial
And quieter than a mouse

Oh! Oh!
Wouldn't she be delicious
Tidying up the dishes
Neat as a pin?
Oh! Oh!
Wouldn't she be delightful
Sweeping out, sleeping in?

Everybody ought to have a maid

[PSEUDOLUS]
Everybody ought to have a maid

[SENEX]
Someone who you hire
When you're short of help
To offer you the sort of help
You never get from a spouse
Fluttering up the stairway
Shuttering up the windows
Cluttering up the bedroom
Buttering up the master
Puttering all around the house!

Oh! Oh!
Wouldn't she be delicious
Tidying up the dishes
Neat as a pin?
Oh! Oh!
Wouldn't she be delightful
Sweeping out, sleeping in?

Everybody ought to have a maid

[PSEUDOLUS]
Everybody ought to have a maid

[SENEX]
Someone who, when fetching you your slipper, will
Be winsome as a whippoorwill
And graceful as a grouse
Skittering down the hallway
Flittering through the parlor
Tittering in the pantry
Littering up the bedroom

[SENEX & PSEUDOLUS]
Twittering all around the house!

[HYSTERIUM]
A maid?

[SENEX]
A maid

[PSEUDOLUS]
A maid

[SENEX. PSEUDOLUS & HYSTERIUM]
A maid!

Everybody ought to have a maid
Everybody ought to have a serving girl
A loyal and unswerving girl
Who's quieter than a mouse

[HYSTERIUM]
Oh! Oh!
Think of her at the dustbin
'Specially when she's just been
Traipsing about

[SENEX, PSEUDOLUS & HYSTERIUM]
Oh! Oh!
Wouldn't she be delightful

[HYSTERIUM]
Living in...

[SENEX]
Giving out...

[SENEX, PSEUDOLUS & HYSTERIUM]
Everybody ought to have a maid
Daintily collecting bits of paper 'n' strings
Appealing in her apron strings
And graceful as a grouse

[HYSTERIUM]
Pattering through the attic

[SENEX]
Chattering in the cellar

[PSEUDOLUS]
Clattering in the kitchen

[SENEX]
Flattering in the bedroom

[SENEX, PSEUDOLUS & HYSTERIUM]
Puttering all around the house!
The house! The house! The house!

[LYCUS]
A maid?

[HYSTERIUM]
A maid

[SENEX]
A maid

[PSEUDOLUS]
A maid!

[SENEX, PSEUDOLUS, HYSTERIUM & LYCUS]
Everybody ought to have a maid
Someone who's efficient and reliable
Obedient and pliable
And quieter than a mouse!

Oh! Oh!
Wouldn't she be so nimble
Fiddling with her thimble
Mending her gown?
Oh! Oh!
Wouldn't she be delightful

[LYCUS]
Cleaning up...

[SENEX]
Leaning down!

[SENEX, PSEUDOLUS, HYSTERIUM & LYCUS]
Everybody ought to have a maid
Someone who'll be busy as a bumblebee
And even if you grumble, be
As graceful as a grouse!

[LYCUS]
Wriggling in the anteroom

[HYSTERIUM]
Jiggling in the dining room

[PSEUDOLUS]
Giggling in the living room

[SENEX]
Wiggling in the other rooms

[SENEX, PSEUDOLUS, HYSTERIUM & LYCUS]
Puttering all around the house!
The house! The house! The house!