The Lady’s Paying

[NORMA]
Hurry up, the birthday boy is on his way
This is a surprise celebration
I hope you've remembered everything I've said
I want to see a total transformation

[JOE,spoken]
What's all this?

[NORMA,spoken]
Happy birthday, darling. Did you think we'd forgotten?

[JOE,spoken]
Well, I ... I don't know

[NORMA,spoken]
These people are from the best men's shop in town. I had them close it down for the day

[JOE,spoken]
Norma, now listen!

[NORMA,spoken]
I'll leave you boys to it

[MANFRED]
Happy birthday, welcome to your shopathon!

[JOE]
What's going on?

[MANFRED]
Help yourself, it's all been taken care of
Anyone who's anyone is dressed by me

[JOE]
Well, golly gee

[MANFRED]
Pick out anything you'd like a pair of
You just point, I'll do the rest
I've brought nothing but the best
You're a very lucky writer
Come along now, get undressed
Unless I'm much mistaken
That's a 42-inch chest

[JOE]
I don't understand a word you're saying

[MANFRED]
Well, all you need to know's the lady's paying
It's nice to get your just reward this time of year

[JOE]
Get outta here!

[MANFRED]
And all my merchandise is strictly kosher
When you've thrown away all your old worn-out stuff

[JOE]
Hey, that's enough

[MANFRED]
Perhaps you'd like to model for my brochure
I have just the thing for you
Chalk-stripe suits

[SALESMAN 1]
In black

SALESMAN 2]
Or blue

[SALESMAN 3]
Glen plaid trousers

[SALESMAN 4]
Cashmere sweaters

[SALESMAN 5]
Bathing shorts for Malibu

[SALESMAN 6]
Here's a patent leather lace-up

[SALESMAN 7]
It's a virtuoso shoe

[MANFRED]
And a simply marvelous coat made of vicuna

[JOE]
You know what you can do with your vicuna

[NORMA]
Come on Joe, you haven't even started yet

[JOE]
You wanna bet?

[NORMA]
I thought by now he'd look the height of fashion
He always takes forever making up his mind
Don't be unkind
I thought you writers knew about compassion

I love flannel on a man

[MANFRED]
This will complement his tan

[NORMA]
We'll take two of these and four of those

[MANFRED]
I'm still your greatest fan!
Very soon now we'll have stopped him
Looking like an also-ran

[JOE]
You're going to make me sorry that I'm staying

[NORMA]
Well, all right, I'll choose, after all, I'm paying!

[MANFRED]
Evening clothes?

[NORMA]
I want to see your most deluxe

[JOE]
Won't wear a tux

[NORMA]
Of course not, dear, tuxedos are for waiters

[MANFRED]
What we need are tails, a white tie and top hat

[JOE]
I can't wear that

[NORMA]
Joe, second-rate clothes are for second-raters

[JOE, spoken]
Norma, please...

[NORMA]
Shut up, I'm rich
Now some platinum blonde bitch
I own so many apartments
I've forgotten which is which

[JOE]
I don't have to go to premieres
I'm never on display
You seem to forget that I'm a writer
Who cares what you wear when you're a writer?

[NORMA]
I care, Joe, and please don't be so mean to me

[JOE]
O.K., all right

[NORMA, spoken]
You can't come to my New Year's Eve party in that filling-station shirt

[JOE, spoken]
I've been invited somewhere else on New Year's Eve

[NORMA, spoken]
Where?

[JOE, spoken]
Artie Green. He's an old friend of mine

[NORMA]
I can't do without you, Joe, I need you
I've sent out every single invitation

[JOE]
All right, Norma, I give in

[NORMA]
Of course you do
And when they've dressed you
You'll cause a sensation

[SALESMEN]
We equip the chosen few of Movieland

[MANFRED]
The latest cut

[SALESMEN]
We dress every movie star and crooner
From their shiny toecaps to their hatband

[MANFRED]
Conceal your gut
You won't regret selecting the vicuna

[SALESMEN]
If you need a hand to shake
If there's a girl you want to make
If there's a soul you're out to capture
Or a heart you want to break
If you want the world to love you

[MANFRED]
You'll have to learn to take

[SALESMEN]
And gracefully accept the role you're playing

[MANFRED]
You will earn every cent the lady's paying

[SALESMEN]
So why not have it all?

[MANFRED]
Now that didn't hurt, did it?

[SALESMEN]
The lady's paying!