The History of America... Told in 27 Rap Styles

Part I: A New World

[Style 1: Beastie Boys]
Now, here's a little story I gotta tell
About a big bad country you know so well
It started way back in history
Around thirteen thousand (BCE!)
Asian people walked through the Bering Strait
And migrated down here cause the land was great
A viking named Leif Erikson came to
But he was like "Man, this place sucks, fuck you"

[Style 2: DMX]
In 1492, there was Christopher Columbus (What!)
And he say, "Yo dawg, there's a new world that needs discovered"
He went and tried to find a land called Japan
So he got a few ships from his man Ferdinand
There was the Nina, the Pinta, the Santa, Maria
The Tanya, the Donna, the Anna, the Tina
The Kristi, the Bridget, the Mandy, the Tesha
I'm just lyin' about Columbus like your teacher (What!)

[Style 3: Migos]
Columbus is sailing and landed up
In the Bahamas of beautiful islands
He was greeted by the Arawak Indians
It was so friendly it's bad
So we started a war with them
Stole all their spices, and gold, and their gucci
Columbus ain't never step foot in the USA
It's named after Amerigo Vespucci
Vespucci, Vespucci, Vespucci
Italian explorer, a liar so douchey
He said he discovered America so
Columbus was left off bad and boujee
And just like that, A-meri-ca was born
Built on a foundation of lies and war

[Style 4: E-40]
In the 1500s the Conquistadors from Spain
Came with Ponce de León lookin' for the Fountain of Youth, mayne
They had some bibles, mayne
They had some swords, mayne
They tried to convert all the natives into Christia-ins (Byatch!)
They found a place called Florida
Where lots of drugs, crime, and butt naked stage performers, bruh
The beach is beautiful, the sun looks bright
This is the home of the Worldstar hood fight

[Style 5: 2 Chainz]
By now all the natives knew the Spainards were just villains
In the 1600s guess who showed up? The Pilgrims
Holdin' onto bibles, all the goddamn Indians were like
"Uh, not this shit again"
The Pilgrims was like "Nah, man, we diff-erent
But we ran out of food, we fuckin' hungry, need food pronto
We heard all you natives ball, like LaVar and Lonzo" (swish)
Met the homie Squanto, taught 'em how to farm real good, y'all
Now every year we have a feast where we eat food and watch football

[Style 6: Wiz Khalifa]
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, in 1620
The Pilgrims farmed tobacco to get money
They just wanted to be fly, have the baddest bitch
So they created the Plymouth Rock establishment
Up north, some Dutch people from Holland
Bought Manhattan from the natives for twenty-four dollars
That's a true story, they called it New Amsterdam
English people took it from them and said
"Nah bitch, this is called New York now"

[Style 7: Kevin Gates]
1682, King Charles II owed money to William Penn
But he said "Uh, I can't find my checkbook, eh, uh, I don't have a pen"
But wait, "Maybe I could give you a state"
And William Penn said "Really, thank ya"
And King Charles II said, "Uh, sure, here
You can have Pennsylvania"
William Penn was a little gangsta
He was a breadwinner, he was so real
He moved to Pennsylvania with his Quaker friends
And they created oatmeal
And chocolate, and Cheez-Whiz
And the Philadelphia Eagles and the Rocky movies
And Meek Mill and Beanie Siegel and some other shit

[Style 8: Cypress Hill]
Skip ahead to 1754
Let's talk about the French and Indian War
Young kid named George Washington, age 22
Was still a SoundCloud rapper hoping he can break through
(Can break through)
He took troops and attacked the French
And now the British Army ran the whole East Coast, bitch

[Style 9: Kanye West (Old)]
In 1850, Louis Vuitton
Had everyone pretty at the beauty salon
What Kim? This video's about who?
America? My bad, y'all I'm doin' it wrong
It passed 1773, dawg
The King of England raised taxes on our tea, dawg
Man they sound like he Sean C. Carter
So we threw a bunch of tea off the Boston Harbor

[Style 10: Kanye West (New)]
England wanna raise our taxes, haaah?
They wanna kill our economy?
Why you tryna fuck with us, dawg?
All we tryna do is build a fuckin' colony
Fuck the King of England, dawg
That shit is final
He releases new albums, dawg
That you can only listen to on Tidal

[Style 11: Eminem (On Drugs)]
Let's start a revolution, I'm sick of payin' taxes
I run up on the British Army now and spray my gat clip
And you can tell the King of England that a maniac is
On the loose and I'm so fuckin' crazy Imma make him backflip
My name is George
Washington I got two Glocks
And Imma bust a few shots
At you like you was 2Pac
And you'll be layin' dead up on the rooftop
Naked in nothin' but tube socks
Suckin' a red, white, and blue cock

[Style 12: Eminem (Sober)]
And the colonists won the revolution
America got retribution
To beat the British
And take the land
Let's all pray to Jesus, take my hand
We signed the Declaration of Independence
On July 2nd, 1776
Sayin' that we hold these truths to be self-evident
That all men are created equal
Except women, poor, Native American, and black people

_____________________________________________________

Part II: Titties, Beer, & Metallica

[Intro: Mac Lethal]
We finally got our own country, but we needed a goverment
So two of the greatest Americans ever debated what that government should be

[Style 13: Future as Thomas Jefferson]
*incomprehensible gibberish*

[Style 14: Desiigner as Alexander Hamilton]
You got slaves in Atlanta
Tommy, boy, why did you stand up?
See my name's Alexander
Hamilton, I got the answer
Your family, a panda
Black on white 'cause you fucked Sally
And you say you want small goverment
But you sound like a bitch at political rallies
You got slaves in Atlanta
Jefferson, why did you stand up?
You don't teach them grammar
You just give them shovels and hammers
Family, a panda
Black on white 'cause you fucked Sally
And you say that I'm dumb 'cause I want a big goverment
Man, how the fuck could you doubt me?

[Style 15: Bone Thugs n Harmony]
Mmmm, into the 1800s
Were French on a lot of American land and so we said we wanted
And the Louisiana Purchase
And Natives or something that you heard of
Until the white man brought the
Murda mo, murda mo, murda mo, murrdaa
Lewis and Clark went on an expedition
Left St. Louis on search on the fuckin' Pacific
Then there was the War of 18-12
And nothing changed 'til the place was hell
And you can tell that when Andrew Jack
Went and signed the Indian Removal Act
We kicked the Indians out they home
And they missed their uncle, child, y'all

[Style 16: Jadakiss]
Jadakiss went to war with Mexico
Standoff at the Alamo, we took Texas, yo
The California Gold Rush is where Jada be
Unfortunately, Americans still use slavery

[Style 17: XXXTentacion]
Why the fuck does slavery exist, what we thinkin'?
I'm the new president, my name is Abe Lincoln
Southern states, want some slaves
We can't give them more
We will have to take them fuckin' to the Civil War now

[Style 18: R. Kelly]
Hey, Robert E. Lee, how ya' doin'
Heard you came to Gettysburg for the weekend
Lookin' for a Civil War to get into
Gonna send the Union Army down to kill you, hooyoo
The Union Army is partyin' and dancin' all in the club
We won the Civil War 'cause we got too much money and guns
And now we poppin' bottles 'cause we about to free the slaves
Kneel down, but baby, lemme pee in your face

[Style 19: 2Pac]
Abe Lincoln had some enemies
He was at the theater sippin' Hennessey
John Wilkes Booth stuck him
And afterwards America entered Reconstruction
We gave black people the right to vote
Then we took it away five minutes later with Jim Crow
Feel me! I fought for your freedom
But I don't think that we should share the same fountain for drinkin'
I don't have a reason

_____________________________________________________

Part III: More Fucked Up Shit Happens

[Intro: Mac Lethal]
America needed a railroad, so we built one
And when I said "we", I mean we made Chinese and Irish people build one

[Style 20: Young Thug]
1869 the Transatlantic Railroad
Had the whole country travel for the band, oh
Susan B. Anthony said "listen man, [? I ain't that type of ho ?]"
1920, women got the right to vote
The economy was buildin' in the Roaring 20's
We was out at the strip club pouring money
Lots of fake capitalists and we ain't learn a lesson
Cause we woke up in the 30's with The Great Depression

[Style 21: Die Antwoord]
I see you think you motherfuckers listen
FDR came in and ended Prohibition
Before that you think that the man [?]
He brought the New Deal to save the US
The motherfucking north here is mostly poop
But like the government programs, enough of that soup
[? The other plundering was pretty hot too, kay
Bitches would have worked on World War 2 ?]

[Style 22: 21 Savage]
1939, Nazis invaded Poland
Adolf Hitler had a stick-up in his colon
The Japanese acting like an angry baby mama
And in 1941, they invaded Pearl Harbor like wooo
They started playa hatin' on the Jews
America sent troops to World War 2 like
"Fuck your little three-way"
Normandy on D-Day
Hitler drank some cyanide like "Peace, y'all, be safe"
And we told Japan, "Issa nuke"

_____________________________________________________

Part IV: The Empire Strikes Back

[Intro: Mac Lethal]
Wooo! That was a close one. Germany almost took over the world. Luckily, they didn't. In response, we decided to try to take over the world. So did Russia

[Style 23: Rae Sremmurd]
In the 50's too, superpowers took charge
One was the USA, the other? The USS-R
Communism versus Capitalism, it set the stage
For the Cold War, Joseph Stalin was a bold whore

[Style 24: Lil B]
November 22nd, 1963
Young Based God shot John F. Kennedy
Layin' in the car dead with Jacqueline Onassis
"Oh my god, Based God, look how big her ass is!"
A guy named Martin Luther King said "Wait
If you could stop racism, that'd be great"
So they went and shot him like blang da-dang-de-dang
The Vietnam War happened, swag, gang gang gang

[Style 25: Kendrick Lamar]
1970s, proof we still full of shit, President
Richard Nixon said "I'm not a crook" and quit
Then emerged was bellbottoms pot smokin' and rolled in 'em
And finally men learned that they couldn't control women
There were war people and anti-war people and anti-anti-war people that went to war with anti-war people and more steeples
Were built, silent majority hated all the non-whites
And watched the violence on Walter Cronkite

[Style 26: Cam'ron]
Killer Cam, wearin' pink in my Mercedes
Light a blunt, let's talk about the 1980's
We got Reagonomics, they came from Ronald Reagan
He said that taxes were sky high like Carl Sagan
So we cut him, it set all the poor people back
Then in the 90s, we went and started the war in Iraq
But nevermind slavery or genocide
The worst thing in American history was a blowjob

[Style 27: Lil Yachty]
And then the Internet's invented
And we can finally hate each other with our names hidden
And then we get attacked, they crash planes into our buildings
So, we invade an unrelated country and we kill them
And then a bunch of bankers almost ruined our whole nation
And all we do is put cheeseburgers in our faces
All we do is try to make our fat bodies bigger
And our president is arguing right now on Twitter

[Outro: Mac Lethal]
Part 2 coming in 500 years