The Contest

[PIRELLI]
I am Adolfo Pirelli
Da king of da barbers, da barber of kings
E buon giorno, good day
I blow you a kiss!

And I, da so-famous Pirelli
I wish-a to know
Who has-a da nerve-a to say
My elixir is-a piss!
Who says this?

[TODD, spoken]
I do. I am Mr. Sweeney Todd. I have opened this bottle of Pirelli's elixir, and I say to you it is nothing but an arrant fraud. And furthermore—"Signor"—I have serviced no kings, yet I wager that I can shave a cheek and pull a tooth with ten times more dexterity than any street mountebank!

[PIRELLI, spoken]
You hear zis foolish-a man? Watch and-a see how he will regret his-a folly!

[TODD, spoken]
Will Beadle Bamford be the judge?

[BEADLE, spoken]
Glad, as always, to oblige my friends and neighbors. Ready?

[PIRELLI, spoken]
Ready!

[TODD, spoken]
Ready.

[BEADLE, spoken]
The fastest, smoothest shave is the winner.

[PIRELLI]
Now, signorini, signori
We mix-a da lather
But first-a you gather
Around, signorini, signori
You looking a man
Who have had-a da glory
To shave-a da Pope!
Mr. Sweeney-so-smart—
Oh, I beg-a your pardon—'ll
Call me a liar, was-a only a cardinal—
Nope!
It was-a da Pope!

Perhaps, signorini, signori
You'd like-a I tell-a
Da famous-a story
Of Queen Isabella
Da queen of-a Polan
Whose toot' was-a swollen
I pull it so nice from her mout'
That-a though to begin she's a screaming-a murder
She's later-a swoon-a with bliss an' was heard-a
To shout
"Pull all of them out!"

To shave-a da face
To pull-a da toot'
Require da grace
And not-a da brute
For if-a you slip
You nick da skin
You clip-a da chin
You rip-a da lip a bit
And that's-a da trut'!

To shave-a da face
Or even a part
Widout it-a smart
Require da heart
It take-a da art
I show you a chart
I study-a starting in my yout'!

To cut-a da hair
To trim-a da beard
To make-a da bristle
Clean like a whistle
Dis is from early infancy
Da talent give to me
By God!

It take-a da skill
It take-a da brains
It take-a da will
To take-a da pains
It take-a da pace
It take-a da grace—

[BEADLE, spoken]
The winner is Todd!

[TODD, spoken]
And now, who's for a tooth pulling—free without charge!

[MAN WITH HEAD TIED UP IN BAG, spoken]
Oh, me, sir. Me, sir.

[TODD, spoken]
Who else? No one? Then, sir, since there is no means to test the second skill, I claim the victory.

[PIRELLI, spoken]
Wait! One moment. Wait! You, boy! Get on that chair!

[TOBIAS, spoken]
Me, Signor? Not a tooth, sir, I beg of you! I ain't got a twinge— not the slightest pain—

[PIRELLI, spoken]
You do now! We see who is zee victor now!

[BEADLE, spoken]
Ready?

[PIRELLI, spoken]
Ready!

[TODD, spoken]
Ready.

[PIRELLI]
To pull-a da toot'
Widout-a da skill
Can damage da root—
Now hold-a da still!
An' if-a you slip
You grip a bit
You hit da pit of it
Or chip-a da tip
And have-a to fill

To pull-a da toot'
Widout-a da grace
You leave-a da space
All over da place
You try to erase
Widout-a da trace
Sometimes is da case
You even-a kill

To hold-a da clamp
Widout-a da cramp
Wid all dat saliva
It could-a drive-a
You crazy—
Don' mutter
Or back-a you go to da gutter!
My touch is as light as a butter-a
Cup!

I take-a da pains
I learn-a da art
I use-a da brains
I give-a da heart
I have-a da grace
I win-a da race—!
I give-a da up