Pirelli’s Miracle Elixir

[TOBIAS]
Ladies and gentlemen!
May I have your attention, please?
Do you wake every morning in shame and despair
To discover your pillow is covered with hair
Wot ought not to be there?

Well, ladies and gentlemen
From now on you can waken at ease
You need never again have a worry or care
I will show you a miracle marvelous rare
Gentlemen, you are about to see something
That rose from the dead—!
On the top of my head

Scarcely a month ago, gentlemen
I was struck with a horrible
Dermatologic disease
Though the finest physicians in London were called
I awakened one morning amazed and appalled
To discover with dread that my 'ead was as bald
As a novice's knees
I was dying of shame
Till a gentleman came
An illustrious barber, Pirelli by name
He give me a liquid as precious as gold
I rubbed it in daily like wot I was told
And behold!
Only thirty days old!

'Twas Pirelli's
Miracle Elixir
That's wot did the trick, sir
True, sir, true
Was it quick, sir?
Did it in a tick, sir
Just like an elixir
Ought to do!

How about a bottle, mister?
Only costs a penny, guaranteed

[FIRST MAN]
Penny buys a bottle, I don't know...

[TOBIAS]
Go ahead and tug, sir

[SECOND MAN]
You don't need—

[TOBIAS]
Go ahead, sir, harder...

[FIRST MAN]
Ah, let's go!

[TOBIAS]
Does Pirelli's
Stimulate the growth, sir?
You can have my oath, sir
'Tis unique
Rub a minute—
Stimulating, i'nn'it?
Soon you'll have to thin it
Once a week!

Penny buys a bottle, guaranteed!

[FIRST MAN]
Penny buys a bottle, might as well...

[TOBIAS]
How about a sample?

[THIRD MAN]
Wotcher think?

[SECOND WOMAN]
Go ahead and try it, wot the hell...

[TOBIAS]
Have you ever smelled a cleaner smell?

[FIRST WOMAN]
Isn't it a crime they let these urchins clog the pavement?

[FOURTH MAN]
Penny buys a bottle, does it?

[TOBIAS]
That's enough, sir, ample

Gently dab it
Gets to be a habit
Soon there'll be enough, sir
Somebody can grab it
See this chap with
Hair like Shelley's?
You can tell he's
Used Pirelli's

[FIRST MAN]
Let me have a bottle

[SECOND MAN]
Make that two

[TODD]
Pardon me, ma'am, what's that awful stench?

[MRS. LOVETT]
Are we standing near an open trench?

[FIRST WOMAN]
Then again I could get some for Harry

[SECOND MAN]
How about a beer?

[SECOND WOMAN]
Nothing works on Harry, dear
Bye, bye

[FIRST MAN]
You know a pub?

[THIRD WOMAN]
I'm just passing by

[FIRST MAN]
There's one close by

[THIRD MAN]
Pass it by

[TOBIAS]
Buy Pirelli's
Miracle Elixir
Anything wot's slick, sir
Soon sprouts curls
Try Pirelli's—
When they see how thick, sir
You can have your pick, sir
Of the girls

Want to buy a bottle, missus?

[TODD]
What is this?

[FIRST MAN]
Propagates the hair, sir

[MRS. LOVETT]
What is this?

[FOURTH MAN]
I'll take one!

[TOBIAS]
Penny for a bottle...

[TODD]
Smells like piss

[THIRD MAN]
What was that?

[TOBIAS]
Have you ever smelled a cleaner smell?

[MRS. LOVETT]
Smells like—phew!

[SECOND MAN]
He says it smells like piss

[FIFTH MAN & SECOND WOMAN]
Says it smells like piss or something

[TODD]
Looks like piss

[MRS. LOVETT]
Wouldn't touch it if I was you, dear!

[TOBIAS]
How about a sample?

[SECOND MAN]
Wotcher think?

[TODD]
This is piss. Piss with ink

[TOBIAS]
How about a sample, mister?

[MEN & WOMEN]
Let me smell that bottle
I don't want no ink piss!
What is this?

[MRS. LOVETT]
What does that smell like to you, sir?

[TOBIAS]
Never mind that madman, mister

[WOMEN]
Gives back our money!

[MEN]
What does that smell like to you ma'am?

[MRS. LOVETT]
Give 'em back their money!

[TOBIAS]
Never mind the madman

[TODD]
Where is this Pirelli?

[CROWD]
Yeah, where is this Pirelli?

[TOBIAS]
Let Pirelli's
Activate your roots, sir—

[TODD]
Keep it off your boots, sir—
Eats right through

[CROWD]
Go and get Pirelli!

[TOBIAS]
Yes, get Pirelli's!
Use a bottle of it
Ladies seem to love it—

[MRS LOVETT]
Flies do, too!

[CROWD]
Hand the bloody money over!
Hand the bloody money over!

[TOBIAS]
See Pirelli's
Miracle Elixir
Grow a little wick, sir
Then some fuzz
The Pirelli's
Soon'll make it thick, sir
Like a good elixir
Always does!

Trust Pirelli's
If your hair is sick, sir
Fix it in the nick, sir
Don't look grim
Just Pirelli's
Miracle Elixir
That'll do the trick, sir—

[FIRST MAN]
What about the money?

[TOBIAS]
If you've got a kick, sir—

[CROWD]
What about the money?
Where is this Pirelli?
Go and get Pirelli!
What about our money?

[TOBIAS]
Tell it to the mixer
Of the Miracle Elixir
If you've got a kick, sir—!

[CROWD]
Go and get Pirelli!
What about it?
Where is this Pirelli?

[TOBIAS]
Talk to him!