Modern Bummer

[Announcer:]
You're in for a real treat. Very funny man.
Please welcome Mr. Bill Hicks!

[Bill Hicks:]
Thank you!
Anyway, it's good to be here. I, uh... what? Recording an album tonight and tomorrow, so you're on the album. If you could make a little more noise than that, that'd be... [laughs]
There you go, that's what we want to hear on the fuckin' album.
[laughs]
Don't worry, funny material and laughter will be dubbed in later, so... hey, you know, why pressure ourselves?

It's good to be here. I'm from Houston, Texas originally, I moved up here a year ago and, um... thanks.
No, it's that warmth I've come to know on the island.
It is my object to be stared at like a dog that's just been shown a card trick.

So... it's good. The first thing I noticed when I came up here was, of course, the homeless situation. Now, I'm no bleeding heart, okay? But... when you're walking down the streets of New York City and you're steppin' over a guy on the sidewalk who, I don't know, might be dead... does it ever occur to you to think, "Wow, maybe our system doesn't work!"
Does that question ever bubble up out of you?

I mean, if it was only a couple of bums, I'd think, "Well, they're fuckin' bums," but there's thousands of these fuckin' guys! I mean, I'm runnin', like, a bum hurdle down the fuckin' sidewalk.
The hundred-yard bum hurdle. "Watch out guys, there we go!"
"Hey, you got any money? Hey, you got any money? Hey, you got any money?"
"Oh, whoa, I tipped that last guy! But it's okay, I didn't tip him over. That hurdle counts!"

And I had no idea there was thousands of these guys! You know what I mean? So when I first moved here, I was walking down the street and all I get is, you know, 10-15 guys per block.
"You got any money?"
I was like, "Yeah, I do. Thanks for reminding me, it feels great. See ya!"
I thought they were, like, asking about my wealth! You know, "You okay? You got money? You calling your mom? Your health alright?"
"Yeah. Boy, people in New York are so friendly!"

Man! Some of these guys, though, they look healthy, I don't get it. They're just fuckin' bums, you know what I mean? The very idea they want me to just give them the hard-earned money my folks send to me every week. Fuck!
You leech, get a job, man! My dad works eight hours a day for this money! God dammit, I'll get on a soapbox right on the street. I will!
The nerve of these people!

I mean, I had to cut the line every Saturday for 15 years for a fuckin' quarter, this guy comes out from behind a dumpster and wants a cut of my action. You know?
Shit, where were you when I was edging?

You ever have the one that flips on you, that turns psycho on you? 'Cause I give 'em quarters but sometimes I don't have any fuckin' change and I'm not gonna break a 20 for a bum, okay? I've got a life.
And, you know, you ever have the one that turns on you?
"Hey, could you help me out?"
"Sorry, I don't have anything."
"MOTHERFUCKEEEEER!"
"Whoa, whoa, where's my checkbook, hold on!
Is that Mr. Bum, how do I make it out?
Capital Baker? What?
Didn't know you were psycho, definitely wasn't your personality that put you in the street, was it?"

Jesus, they got balls, man!
One of them said to me, you know, I said that, "Sorry, I don't have any money, man."
"Thanks for nothin', buddy! You don't know what it's like to be broke!"
"Well, yeah I do. That's why I work.
I know exactly what it's like, you sleep on the pavement, you dig through the garbage for food and you bum money from strangers, am I right?"
"That IS what I do!"
"See ya."

I feel very sorry for these guys, 'cause I don't know why they're bums. Do you know why they're bums? No one asks. When the guy's diggin' through the garbage, no one ever goes up, "What the fuck you doin'?"
"Why you diggin' through the garbage?"
They're just psychos!

You know, and some of 'em, "You got any money? You got a quarter?" Hey, for the same quarter, I could get that bum to squeegee my window! You know what I mean? I'm gonna comparatively bum shop. I want...
I want the most for my bum quarter! Goddammit, I mean...
And I want a receipt!
That's how you get rid of 'em, get a receipt, you know?
[mimes receipt tearing]
"Here."
"Thanks."

And some people are like, "Oh, don't give them any money. It's probably for drugs or alcohol."
Well, yeah, you've never been a fuckin' drug addict, then.
Drugs are pretty important for a drug addict!
[laughs] "Goddamn right, it's for drugs, lady. If I don't get 'em, I'm gonna cut your fuckin' heart out and eat it in front of you."
"Well, you put it that way... Ding!"
"Thank you!"

See, I feel very sorry for these guys, 'cause I-- I was an alcoholic. I quit drinking two years ago. I could've been a bum! Anybody could be a bum! All it takes is the right girl, the right bar and the right friends, man. You're a well... oh, your buddies will see you off, goddammit.
They'll christen your dumpster for ya!

Embarrassing drinker, I was. I get pulled over by the cops, I'd be so drunk, I'd be out dancing to their lights, thinking I'd made it to another club.
"Turn the music up!
Hey, what is this, a leather bar? Hey, hey, hey! I'm not into this, you faggots!
Oh shit! You guys go all out!"

Man, I don't even want to chance that, too. The attitude's changed. Little too serious.
Remember 10 years ago, if you got pulled over and you'd been drinking, a cop came up to your car, "Son, you been drinkin'?"
"Yeeeep."
"Oops, sorry to bother ya.
Hope I didn't bring your buzz down any! Haha, alright, get on out of here and have a good time. Bye bye!
Back in the car, Tommy, it's just a drunk guy behind the wheel of an automobile. Come on."