Sex on Trial

[Bill Hicks:]
Hey, man, that Clarence Thomas thing! I guess you watched that, eh?

[Audience:]
Yeah!

[Hicks:]
Boy, I tell you something. I learned something very important watching that Clarence Thomas hearings. You know what I learned?
I don't stand a fuckin' chance. [laughs]
Don't even call the committee to order. It'd be a real short hearing.
"Mistah Hicks, are you familiar at all... with a video series called Clam Lappers, Volumes 1-90?"
"All of them? I don't recall."
"Uh huh. Mr. Hicks, are you familiar at all with a man named Manuel who works at the Show World Adult Video Parlor?"
"Manny!"
"Mista Hicks! They subpoena me! They subpoena me!"
[under his breath] "Shit."

Boy, I tell ya, after the Pee-Wee Herman thing and then after the Clarence Thomas hearings, pornography's gotten a really bad name in our country.
And I'd like to state for the record right now... I love pornography.
Love it. I have tapes that are pure fuckin' art, I'm tellin' ya. People fuckin', suckin', every imaginable position, the finest-lookin' women, fuckin', suckin'... I love it.
For the record.

"Mistah Hicks, thank you for your testimony. I don't know if we have a place for ya right now on the Supreme Court.
But boy, you ever thought about becomin' a Senator? C'mere, boy! Bring some o' them tapes over here. Lookit that. Whoa!
Bring them over to Teddie's house. Yeah. Lookit that there.
Whoo! She go to that like a duck to water, lookit that theah.
Haw, haw, HAW!"

That is one of my big fears in life. That I'm gonna die, you know, and my parents are gonna have to come clean out my apartment.
Find that porno wing I've been adding onto for years.
There'll be two funerals that day.
I can just see my mom going through my stuff.
"Look, honey! Here's Bill when he was a Cub Scout! Look how cute my baby is! His little short pants and his little hat... look how cute my baby was! [sobbing]
I wonder what's in this box over here.
...
Rear Entry, volume 1-40?"
[mimics plane crash]
I'd be the only guy going through the gates of heaven with his Mom spanking him.
[slapping noises]
"Mom, they were on sale!"
[slap]
"Someone named Manny called."
"Oh, shit!"
[slap]